In an ideal world, every person with whom you communicate will be attentive, kind, generous, sympathetic, and so on. These people will understand any jokes without offense ...
Unfortunately, we do not live in an ideal world. Most of us in Everyday life there are people who cause negative emotions. Sometimes we know why it happens, sometimes we don't. There is no getting away from this, we have to work and communicate with people who are unpleasant to us.
1. Start with yourself
When you communicate with a person who is unpleasant to you, remember that you cannot change him, but you can change the attitude towards him. Take control of your emotions. This person is not worth the nerves that you spend on him.
2. Stay neutral
In a controversial situation, do not find out which of you is right. Let everyone have their own opinion on a particular issue and save your nerves.
3. “What if…?”
This question will allow you to consider communicating with unpleasant person from a different angle. You perceive the relationship with this person as negative, but even in this situation you can see something good. Try to consider the positive aspects in a person and note them for yourself. "What if he wished me well?" — ask yourself.
Very often people do not notice the good. We think this goes without saying. But when a person does something wrong, we immediately notice it.
Try to praise and support the person you don't like when he really deserves it. In time, you will hear the same in response. After a while, you will stop considering him an unpleasant person.
4. Increase the space
Move to work in another room, sit at the other end of the conference table, try to communicate more with other people. Ignoring is an effective way.
When you answer, communication with the person continues. If you say that you are busy and do not have time to talk, then the unpleasant interlocutor will have no choice but to switch his attention to someone else.
5. Draw boundaries
Decide clearly for yourself what you can tolerate and what not, and stick to those limits. Warn the person who tries to violate them about your limits of patience. You must make it clear what is unacceptable for you and what the consequences may be.
6. Don't take it too seriously
If a person treats you badly, don't take it personally. Perhaps he is so critical of everyone around him. There are people who are always dissatisfied with everything. Listen only to those people whose opinion is authoritative for you.
7. Be honest
Directness and openness will help you get rid of unpleasant people. If you can't help someone, don't make excuses, just say no. If you do not want to communicate with someone, just inform the person in mild form. Some people don't even know they annoy you.
Limiting the circle of communication only to close people and friends will not work. Every day you have to contact with different people, and among them there are frankly unpleasant.
We need to learn how to communicate with such people. How to deal with an unpleasant person?
Determine the reason for the dislike
Is the person being rude to you, criticizing for no reason, making remarks, or do some other personal qualities cause your disgust?
Very often, people don't like you just because they are a reflection of your own shortcomings.
The person may not realize that their behavior may be inconvenient for you. You can tell him about it, but correctly, and not get personal.
Limit Communication
by the most simple option to limit communication with an unpleasant person is to meet him less. If this is a colleague, then organize your work so that you see him less often and engage in conversations less.
Communication should be limited to business matters only. If the interlocutor is trying to draw you into a conflict, then politely and calmly return the conversation to the topic of work.
When a relative annoys you or close person, it is not always possible to reduce contacts to a minimum. Talk to him - perhaps his behavior has its own reason, quite understandable and convincing. Often, the cause of a bad relationship is an unfinished conflict that you have forgotten about.
Use humor
Imagine the offender as a piglet with a piglet or Cheburashka. Answer his attacks with non-offensive jokes, which will help reduce the intensity of the conflict and transfer it to another plane.
Have pity on a person who is unpleasant to you, because it is so hard and difficult for him to live in constant quarrels and disputes and conflicts.
Don't stoop to your opponent's level
There is no need to respond to aggression or boasting. Your main weapon is restraint and dignity. Give him an unexpected sincere compliment, and try to find in him positive traits. Don't let yourself be provoked. You will still lose in dealing with a professional boor, but the unpleasant feeling will remain.
How to behave with an unpleasant person - stop the conversation if you have begun to be drawn into a scandal, announce that you do not want to communicate in this form. Be balanced and self-confident, remember your virtues.
Manage your own scenario: find mutual language with an opponent, throw him into confusion with a witty remark or just leave - decide for yourself.
Video: How to deal with an unpleasant person
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In the environment of each person there are such people, communication with which is exhausting and deprives of energy. In dealing with such people, it is very important to develop the right tactics not to succumb to their manipulation attempts. It is important to learn how to protect yourself from them. negative impact and emotional toxicity. How to do it? Let's look at 10 secrets to dealing with negative people.
1. Practice failure.
There are people who often use their negative energy in order to persuade the people around them to do their will. It is very important to learn to recognize such attempts and refuse. Start practicing refusals in communication with such people, and after some time, your acquaintance will understand that his tactics do not work with you, and will fall behind you.
2. Be funny.
A sense of humor and its skillful use is a universal defense against all types of manipulators. Humor will help you keep your distance and get out of awkward situations that lie in wait for you in relationships with people. Make jokes whenever you encounter people like this and your relationship will work out just fine.
3. Don't be sorry.
There is a category of people who like to try on the image of the victim. Almost the whole world is unfair to them, they suffer from everything, and turn to you with a request, if not help, then at least sympathize. In no case should you feel sorry for such people! From the position of a defender and an understanding person, you will very quickly be transferred to the position of another aggressor. When another chronic whiner comes to you, just point him to the cause of his suffering - that is, to himself.
4. Expose the manipulator.
In any situation, regardless of who is trying to manipulate you, and in what way, directly say so. Expose the manipulator's cunning scheme, and tell him that these tricks will not work with you. In 99% of cases, you will be offended and accused of cruelty, misunderstanding and other sins. Never mind - it's just a continuation of trying to manipulate you.
5. Ask questions.
Sometimes it's very easy to get rid of attacks negative people bringing them leading questions understanding that they are doing something wrong. Of course, you should not do this in every contact with such people - it is enough to put a person in his place once. Most manipulators use toxic techniques unconsciously, or even automatically, because they have not been taught other methods of interaction. V this case you can help such people get rid of toxic habits.
6. Point out the manifestations that you consider unacceptable.
In extreme cases, when a person does not respond to any other methods, one can resort to a sharp suppression of negative manifestations. In a conversation with a person directly, looking into his eyes, say which of his actions are unacceptable in a relationship with you. This method will help you save yourself from most of the unpleasant situations associated with such people.
7. Never show emotions!
Quite often, the purpose of the manipulator is to drive you into extreme emotions. It is fear, guilt, anger. They do this in order to seize control over you and take a psychologically superior position. Therefore, in dealing with such people, it is better not to give free rein to your emotions, so as not to give them the slightest chance to take control of you.
8. Be tolerant.
Accepting a person for who they are is one way to defeat negativity once and for all. Acceptance is something that the manipulator does not expect from you for any price. Show the person that you absolutely do not care how he behaves, and that no matter what, you still continue to treat him kindly. Often this disarms people, especially the aggressors.
9. Empathize.
For the most part, these people are deeply unhappy. Often the cause of their negative manifestations are childhood psychological trauma inflicted by parents and loved ones. Therefore, try to understand the wounded soul and show sympathy. This will help you to accept the actions of such people and respond to manifestations of their toxicity in a more positive way.
10. Suggest an alternative.
This trick is best used when someone is trying to manipulate or persuade you to do something. Just show the person that there is another way to solve the problem without resorting to using other people. For example, once again, when a friend comes to you to cry in a vest, give him a business card of a familiar psychotherapist.
As Pythagoras said, live with people so that your friends do not become enemies, and enemies become friends, but if a person is unpleasant, what should you do? How to build communication with unpleasant people? Why do people happen to be evil, rude and tactless boors?
Good and bad qualities of a person
You can determine for yourself the good and bad qualities of a person, but it is important to remember that there is no bad people, there are those who feel bad, as accurately noted in one of the statuses. Or there are those who consider themselves bad or unworthy and behave accordingly. Happy people certainly do not purposefully interfere with the happiness of others, even if they do not contribute.
How to behave with an unpleasant interlocutor? Firstly, do not attribute all his words and actions to your own account (the parable “How to respond to an insult”).
How to respond to an insult?.. A parable about the right reaction.
“One of the students asked the Buddha: - If someone insults me, humiliates or hits me, how should I answer? The Buddha replied: - If a dry branch falls on you from a tree and hits you, how will you react? The student said: - What will I do? It's just an accident, a simple coincidence that I ended up under a tree when a dry branch fell from it.
The Buddha said, “So do the same. Someone was mad, angry or upset when they insulted, hit or tried to humiliate you. It's like a branch from a tree has fallen on you. Don't let it bother you, just go your own way as if nothing happened."
Secondly, try to understand how your behavior hurt his “sore spot”, if possible, treat him with sympathy and understand (the parable “Why people are evil”). Stick to the rules: The best way to defeat the enemy is to love him!
Why are people evil? A wise story about kindness.
One day a man came to Buddha and spat in his face. The Buddha wiped his face and asked, "Is that all or do you want something else?" His disciple Ananda saw everything and naturally became furious. He jumped up and, seething with anger, exclaimed:
Master, just let me and I'll show him! He needs to be punished! - Ananda, you want to become enlightened, but you constantly forget about it, answered the Buddha.
This poor fellow has suffered too much already. Just look at his face, his bloodshot eyes! Surely he did not sleep all night and was tormented before deciding on such an act. Spitting at me is the outcome of this madness and his life.
But it can also be liberation. Be compassionate towards him. You can kill him and become as crazy as he is! The man listened to this dialogue. He was confused and puzzled. He wanted to insult and humiliate the Buddha, but for some reason he felt humiliated. The love and compassion shown by the Buddha came as a complete surprise to him.
Go home and rest, said the Buddha. - You look bad. You've already punished yourself enough. Forget this incident and don't worry, it didn't harm me. This body is made of dust and sooner or later will turn into dust again, and people will walk on it. The man got up wearily and left, hiding his tears. In the evening he came back and fell at the feet of the Buddha and said:
Forgive me! "There is no question of me forgiving you because I was not angry," replied the Buddha. - I didn't judge you. But I am happy to see that you have come to your senses and that the hell you have been in has ceased for you. Go in peace. It was a wise parable about kindness and compassion.”
Sometimes such attempts are unsuccessful, and, suppose, you have to communicate with this person due to professional obligations, or related ones (for example, with a client, boss, traffic cop, on the phone, with mother-in-law, son-in-law, etc.).
Psychological types of interlocutors
There are several psychological types interlocutors with whom it is unpleasant to communicate, we will conditionally divide them into several groups, here they are:
"Nihilist" - often goes beyond the scope of the conversation. During the conversation, he behaves impatiently, is unrestrained and agitated. With his position and approach, he confuses the interlocutor and unconsciously pushes him to disagree with his theses and statements.
“Know-it-all” - everything has its own opinion, constantly demands a word and shows initiative that suppresses the interlocutor.
“Loquacious” - often tactless and without any apparent reason interrupts the conversation. Pays no attention to the time he spends on his attacks.
A cold-blooded impregnable interlocutor - feels out of time and space, as well as out of the topic and situation of a particular conversation. Everything seems to him unworthy of his attention and efforts.
“Important bird” - such an interlocutor sees criticism in everything. Feels and behaves like a person standing above other interlocutors.
“Why” - it seems that he participates in the conversation to compose and ask questions, regardless of whether they have a real basis or are far-fetched.
“Cautious” - he is more willing to remain silent, afraid to say something that, in his opinion, may look stupid or funny.
An uninterested interlocutor - the topic of the conversation does not interest him at all. He would gladly sleep through the whole conversation.
Sometimes, these types of behavior can be deliberately resorted to by people with manipulative goals. In many cases, such styles of behavior are nothing more than “masks” that hide the wounds and injuries of a person, a kind of protective behavior.
How to maintain peace of mind during a conversation
Having met in a conversation with an unpleasant interlocutor, how to save peace of mind during a conversation? You can take the following countermeasures to keep your peace of mind and keep your goals in mind.
In a conversation with a Nihilist who strongly rejects your proposals, it is advisable to discuss and substantiate controversial points, if they are known, before the start of the main part of the conversation. You are required to remain cool and strive to maintain the required level of competence.
See to it that, whenever possible, decisions are formulated in the words of the Nihilist. try to find out real reasons his nihilism by talking to him face to face, in a confidential atmosphere. In very difficult cases- insist that the conversation be suspended, and continue it later, when "the heads have cooled down."
In a conversation with a know-it-all who hammers you with his knowledge, you should be reminded from time to time that others also want to speak out. Give him the opportunity to deduce and formulate intermediate conclusions.
In case of controversial statements, give the floor to other participants in the conversation to express their point of view. Sometimes ask him difficult special questions, which, if necessary, can be answered by those who participate in the conversation.
A “talkative” interlocutor who takes the initiative should be stopped with maximum tact and asked what he sees as a connection with the issue under discussion. Find out the opinion of other participants in the conversation, if necessary, limit the time of the entire conversation. Make sure he doesn't turn problems upside down just to look at them from a new angle.
When talking with an “impregnable” interlocutor, you must try to interest him in the subject of discussion, ask, for example: “It seems that you do not quite agree with what was said? It's interesting to know why." Try to find out the reasons for this behavior.
In the course of a business conversation with a person wearing a “important bird” mask, one should not allow him to play the role of a guest in a conversation. It is necessary to imperceptibly invite him to take an equal position with the rest of the participants in the conversation, not to allow any criticism of people present or absent. Be mindful of your purpose for the conversation. In a conversation, use the “yes, but…” method.
In a conversation with a “cautious” person who raises many questions, all his questions related to the topic of the conversation should be immediately forwarded to all participants in the conversation, and if he is alone, to himself. Answer questions of an informational nature immediately and immediately recognize his rightness if it is not possible to give the desired answer.
In a conversation with a "disinterested" interlocutor, you should ask questions and give the topic of conversation an interesting and attractive form. Ask stimulating questions and try to find out what interests him personally.
Thus, the answer to the question if a person is unpleasant, what to do and how to properly build communication with unpleasant people lies in the ability to calm down in time and, armed with psychological knowledge, conduct a conversation as friendly as possible.
When something goes wrong, it's always your fault, not him. Familiar situation? When a person behaves this way and you have to tiptoe in front of them, use the strategy below to avoid conflict and prevent similar situations from occurring in the future.
Such a situation can be repeated many times, and if a person who adequately assesses the situation is involved in it, the problem can be solved fairly quickly; if it affects one who is in error, conflict is inevitable.
This behavior is based on low self-esteem. It seems to a person that everything that happens in his life is somehow due to the fact that they are trying to use him. For example, if you keep him waiting, he will decide that you don't care about his condition or that you don't respect him enough to show up to the meeting on time.
If you have a high self-evaluation, you will not hastily write off a person’s lateness to your attitude; you rather assume that something happened. Or decide that the person makes you wait for yourself, trying to feel your own significance. In this situation, do the following: first, do not jump to conclusions that such actions indicate disrespect for you; second, if you do come to that conclusion, don't get angry - you don't need anyone's respect to respect yourself.
The person with low self-esteem thinks (in most cases on a subconscious level) something like this: "This person does not like me and does not respect me enough to behave with me in this way." By accepting ourselves, we accept others. We perceive the outside world through the filter of our own self-image, and if this representation is distorted, our relationships with people worsen.
"I have to look at him!"
That is why you always want to see the driver who cut us on the road. Such an act can always be explained, but if the driver looks like he did it on purpose, from a lack of respect, we get even more angry. If this driver had been an old woman, we would not have been very angry, assuming that she simply did not see well, and we would not have taken what happened to heart. In addition, we always want that person behind the wheel to confirm our idea of \u200b\u200bwho exactly can drive a car like this, because it enhances the feeling of control over the situation - to know everything and always be right.
Low self-esteem makes a person self-centered, he begins to believe that the world revolves around him, and takes into account only own desires and needs.
Self-respect is the basis of self-esteem. If you don't respect yourself, you cannot respect others. And if you also believe that others do not respect you, then you admit that their actions were deliberate.
Psychological decision.
Are you tired of such phrases: “Because of you, I missed my turn” or “Why did you order me this? You know I don't eat fried food," or "Why aren't the documents prepared? You had all night to do this, didn't you? Then read on.
Solving this problem is quite simple. However, first pay attention to the following: no one has the right to insult you. If you feel like you've become someone's psychological punching bag, do whatever it takes to make a difference.
Remember: people will treat you the way you let them. If you are dealing with a person who is at least somewhat reasonable, make it clear that his behavior is unacceptable.
But let's analyze a situation where it is not possible to do this - for example, if you are dealing with your boss, or with your wife, or with not very close family members.
The key to solving the problem is simple: give the interlocutor what he needs so badly, and do it at the moment when he in a good mood. Thus, by the next aggravation of the situation, such a psychological climate will be created that your “enemy” will consider it inappropriate to find fault with you. He can choose another target for attacks, but this target will no longer be you. By applying this strategy, you become a source of psychological support for a person. That is why he cannot cut the notorious branch on which his psyche “sits”.
1. Inspire respect for yourself.
The best protection- attack. Create a psychological reserve for your opponent so that he can use it if necessary. The following are simple ways for this.
- Criticize a person only when absolutely necessary,
while using the methods described in the article "How to criticize without hurting feelings." - When someone makes a mistake, support them and don't be too hard on them.
- Be tactful and polite when communicating.
- Do not discuss the person with others.
- Tell someone you know in common that you deeply respect and appreciate this person.
- Never humiliate the interlocutor and do not show your disrespect for him, especially in the presence of other people.
All these actions seem simple, but sometimes they are difficult to put into practice. However, their role in changing the relationship with a difficult person can be decisive.
2. Change the person's idea of himself.
You have to get the person to identify with someone who won't pick on you and blame you for their problems.
This can be done with a simple but well thought out phrase. This situation requires that the interlocutor perceives himself as a good-natured person, so you can say something like: "I admire your calmness when this craziness begins" or: "I really appreciate that you are patient with me."
Such phrases will help to use such a powerful psychological factor, as internal consistency. With these types of phrases, the person will feel an inner need to act in accordance with your ideas about him, since you have touched his ego. People need to behave in accordance with how they see themselves and how,
in their opinion, they are perceived by others. It sounds very simple, but the results of numerous studies confirm that the image of the self is very easy to change through this technique. People with low self-esteem may do foolish things, but the rejection of self-perception is not one of them.
3. Get the person to do something for you.
Now you become a source of support for this person, his admirer. Criticizing you would mean to him the same thing as criticizing himself, and even worse, because you seem to appreciate him more, than he himself. (In the following article, How to Deal with Unbalanced People, you will find more useful methods solution to this problem.)
Real life example.
The restaurant manager yells at the waiter for any, even the most insignificant reason.
Waiter [choosing an appropriate time]. Do you know what I respect you most for, Mr. Harris? You are always so calm in a tense environment, I just admire it.
Mr Harris. Well, sometimes I still lose my temper...
Waiter. None of us are immune from this. But you control yourself more than anyone else.
Now Mr. Harris sees himself through the eyes of a waiter. The next time a manager wants to raise his voice to his subordinate, he will stop himself (most likely subconsciously), because he does not want to ruin the image of a person who knows how to control himself.
The waiter, in addition, turns to the manager for advice, again choosing the right moment for this:
Mr Harris, I know you are a wise man. This is very personal, but I want to ask you for advice on a problem that I had with a friend ...
The manager will gladly give advice to the waiter by making an emotional investment in him. As in the case of any investment, a person is not indifferent to their future fate. He will never harm the object of his investments. Mr. Harris will no longer yell at the waiter.
Short review.
To calm an irritable, short-tempered person, do the following:
1) inspire him with respect for yourself;
2) change his idea of himself - perceiving himself as a different person, he will begin to behave like a different person;
3) make him put his feelings into you.
