Sooner or later, probably everyone needs support in words and deeds. If your loved one is experiencing the loss of a loved one or is grieving a friend, you need to know how to support with a word in order to properly reassure and help to endure such a difficult period in life.
Very it is important to choose the right words so as not to inadvertently offend or upset the unfortunate person even more.
Sympathize personally
To support a person with a word, who is sick or who has lost someone close, talk to him personally. You can use routine supportive words like “I’m very sorry,” “I sympathize,” “Accept my condolences,” but these words will not have the power to truly calm a person if your voice sounds insincere and false.
Can't talk in person? Call
It’s easier to sympathize with a person over the phone, but it’s harder to calm him down in difficult times.. When you look into each other’s eyes, you can immediately see whether you are telling the truth or being disingenuous, but during a telephone conversation this factor is not present. But your intentions can be judged by the intonation of your voice– there should be no notes of falsehood or pretense in it. Say that you sincerely sympathize, be sure to ask how else you can help.
Put yourself in the shoes of a grieving person
If your relative is in grief or very good friend, it won’t be so difficult for you to put yourself in his place and think about what words would console you if you were in some kind of trouble. If your friend broke up with her husband and is very worried about this, being in complete apathy, invite her to take care of herself. After all, she already has experience family life, which means it will be easier for her to find love again. Go to a beauty salon together, go shopping- your friend will have fun and thoroughly prepare for the search for new family happiness.
What to do if someone close to you dies?
Your task is to remain calm and try to calm down other relatives and friends. Be close to someone who has lost a loved one and tell them you want to help with funeral arrangements. Add it's the least you can do– it works very well. Try to make someone who is grieving someone who will calm others down. Tell him that others need him, that he himself can calm them down, you can explain what supportive words need to be said and which ones will be completely unnecessary.
The most important phrase
In some cases, just one phrase helps: “I will always be with you, no matter what happens.”. This makes it clear to the grieving person that no one will leave him or leave him without support. After such words, loved ones quickly calm down.
Love your family and friends, do not hesitate to help them and build relationships not only in your family, but also outside it.
Situations in life are completely different, and the psyche cannot always calmly cope with what is happening, then the help of those who are nearby is necessary. Confusion from the need to somehow stabilize the state of another person is quite understandable, especially when it is not clear how to calm a person down with words at a distance, because removing the cause of the experience may not only be overwhelming, but possibly also an unnecessary task.
Most of all, I want to calm down a crying person, since everyone’s own psyche is structured in such a way that the sight of other people’s tears is unbearable. However, we do not take into account those reactions where strong experiences and destructive mental processes can occur without tears or loud laments.
In difficult times
You can help a person overcome difficult experiences without arranging special rescue operations or completing crisis psychology courses - the main thing is to show attentiveness and sensitivity. Don’t rush to take active steps and give advice on how to calm down, but listen to the situation. How more people speaks out, the more the emotional intensity decreases; there are situations when, having told your problem to several friends in a row, negative emotions go away, the significance of bad events decreases or the relevance of what is happening is completely lost.
Even if the situation is more complex and requires real intervention, then after your attentive and active listening, with supporting statements and clarifying questions, a plan for getting out of this situation may emerge or a certain rethinking will come. But you shouldn’t dwell on problems either - it’s one thing to tell your friends what’s happening in order to throw out burning emotions, and the situation develops completely differently if you allow a person to constantly wind himself up with retellings of what happened. As soon as you notice that mentioning a painful situation causes deterioration of the condition rather than emotional relief, gently change the topic of conversation, distracting from the discussion on the established topic. It is even better to distract and calm the person with activities.
Calm a person down panic attack Participation and an offer to help, expressed in a direct form, helps. You can ask how to help or offer your options for the person right now, even little things (bring water, wrap them in a blanket, give them a ride home, etc.).
And don't forget about physical contact - a hug, a friendly pat on the shoulder, a touch on the arm can do much more than any words. If the problem arises of how to calm a person at a distance, then contact techniques are not available, but you can influence emotional background a person using his own voice, namely volume and intonation. Try to speak measuredly, a little drawn out, bringing your voice closer to that of someone falling asleep, both in volume and intonation. Instinctive mechanisms of the psyche are triggered that it is impossible to sleep in danger, and if you fall asleep, it means it is safe, then the other person has a subconscious perception of what is happening as less threatening.
In an extreme situation
The problem with extreme situations is that people who have known each other for a long time in different event scenarios give completely unpredictable reactions. The most common reactions are panic and hysteria. You need to work with them in different ways.
If a person is covered, then focusing on breathing and nearby objects will help to calm down. Initially, you will need to control his breathing, i.e. talk about the need to take breaths, make sure that they are not very deep (hyperventilation leads to loss of consciousness, which is already narrowed in panic) or too frequent (small amplitude of breaths can increase anxiety). 
Shift the person’s attention from abstract concepts or attempts to evaluate the general stop to his well-being - warmth in the limbs, comfort of posture, ask him to do some small work (fold things, type a message).
You'll have to get out of your stupor by physical methods by lightly shaking or rocking the person. Immediately after being brought out of the stupor, all pent-up feelings may pour out, and hysteria will come. Here you need to silently listen to any text spoken, even with threats and insults addressed to you (you will hear an apology later, when the person has stabilized emotionally). If hysteria turns into threatening physical activity, then the task is solely to restrain destructive impulses - perhaps with your hands, you can pour water on it.
During extreme events, the question of how to calm a drunk person is especially important, because harm from his rash and over-emotional reactions can lead to catastrophic consequences. Methods of dealing with hysteria are suitable - listen or pour water on you when you notice that a person is completely losing control of his behavior. Control your own behavior - you need to remain calm and speak only to the point. Choose neutral phrases to calm the person down, in which it is impossible to provoke a new emotional outburst. And there is also secret way- pretend that you don’t notice the drunk, so you deprive him of the emotional feedback and the person either calms down or moves away further in search of those who will support his wave.
When you lose a loved one
The death of a loved one from illness, at predictable dates or due to extreme situations when it happens unexpectedly, always has a strong frustrating effect on those left to live. In addition to the immediate loved ones of the victims, those who will try to help them and somehow calm them down are also subject to secondary traumatization. This is what explains the stupor of many and the impossibility of choosing the right words to calm a person down.
There is no recipe capable of one magic phrase or the action of removing the pain of loss and calming a person who has lost a loved one, but you can help someone else through grief and return to their life by forming new patterns of interaction. Do not try to distract the person from what happened with other conversations or proposals for activities - in the first period, all thoughts will still be devoted only to death, and your attempts can lead to withdrawal. If there are no words, then it is better to sit next to you and be silent, and you can start speaking only when the person experiencing grief turns to you, and it is better to listen to what he tells you.
Your task is to show that you are nearby and can provide support. It is important not to say this phrase, but to make it clear on completely different levels - maintain constant contact. You can call on the phone and ask if the person has food, if they need help in closing accounts and filling out the papers of the deceased, stop by and give them a ride where necessary. Those. you do not focus attention on what happened with questions about your well-being and how difficult it is after the loss. Perhaps one day, when the person himself is ready to talk, he will call and ask for a meeting. Then be prepared for tears and difficult experiences, with which you do not need to do anything, just listen, but listen carefully.
What not to do
Since the suffering of others is unbearable for those nearby, and the desire to calm the person increases to the maximum and requires any decisive action, many stop worrying about who really needs reassurance now and make mistakes. Remember how a mother shouts at a crying child, trying to calm him down in this way, as a result, all participants in the situation become agitated. It’s worth listening to your feelings and walking away; if you find yourself unstable, let others calm you down.
You cannot discount the cause of a person’s disorder, because this can greatly hurt. Those. those who mourn the dead do not need to be told that they are better now or that this should have happened, and a woman going through a divorce should not be told about her beauty and unworthiness of a man, because self-esteem is now at the lowest level, and the suffering from his absence is painful.
If you are going to help, then stay, and do not leave with the phrase that you will come on the first call. When a person needs reassurance, he cannot always adequately test reality in order to understand what help he needs, and he can also fall into such deep depression, pick up the phone and don’t remember the phone number.
When you compare a person’s suffering with others (starving children in Africa, the disabled, the homeless), in an attempt to show that someone is now much worse off, then best case scenario they won't hear you. By reacting more adequately, you can train an aggressive reaction or provoke a desire to emotionally shut down. When you personally are already fed up with the suffering or hysterics of another, then exclude yourself from the situation, and do not start ordering the person to calm down or switch. Believe me, if a person could do this, he would have done it long ago.
Sample phrases on how to calm someone down with words
The right words can be a truly healing force. The first thing to remember is that all wording should convey a positive aspect, but without going too far. You can remember positive stories about the deceased person instead of advice to quickly distract yourself.
For example:
“I can’t live through this pain instead of you, but I can live through this pain with you, together we will endure everything.”
“I'm sorry about what happened. How can I help?"
“Please accept our sincere condolences for the loss, we remember with the warmest words ___!”
“We sympathize with your loss! The news of ___'s death shocked our entire family."
“Words cannot express all the pain and sadness. We sincerely sympathize with your entire family!”
“We are shocked by the sad news and share the pain of loss. Golden man ___, of which there are few! We will always remember ___!”
If a person is simply in a difficult situation, and you understand that he will overcome it, then words of support about holding on or not giving up are quite appropriate - they will be in place here. IN complex options You can encourage them with questions about your participation and help, or you can help the person clarify the situation for himself.
For example:
"You can count on me"
"Your failure is a springboard to success"
"I'm here to help"
“I believe in you, you will survive everything”
“The finish line is the start of something new”
“One stage has ended, a new one will begin”
When you see that your friend has withdrawn into himself and can only talk about the problem that is tormenting him, then change the topic - talk about butterflies and plans for the weekend. If the conversation with you is not supported independently, then engage with questions - ask for an opinion regarding your new suit and the planned conference, ask to tell you something related professional sphere friend.
It is not so much semantic, but rather affectively rich phrases that help calm a person in hysterics. Those. Quietly and calmly asking a person to think about his behavior may be useless, but a terrible scream with an order to shut up can easily bring him to his senses.
If a person is sane, his actions are adequate to what is happening, but it is difficult for him, then discuss his feelings with him more. What is valuable here is not your advice and words, but the opportunity for a person to be in the spotlight, to feel true support when all the time and space is devoted to him.
Remember that not only words will help calm a person, but silence and hugs can share and reduce sadness, calm, and return the living experience of emotions.
How to calm a crying person? Sometimes this question arises for many people. More and more often we can see how our loved ones get upset and cry. There can be a million reasons for tears, from a touching film to dismissal from work.
Offer help
Your initial task is not to understand the reason, but to help comfort your friend, mother, wife, in one word, your loved one. Of course, if we are not talking, for example, about a favorite series that is about to end. In this case, everything will soon return to normal without your intervention.
Crying girl
If the reason is more complex and you just can't stay away, then what should you do? Initially, show attention and care. Provide mediocre help and encouragement.
Find out through leading question what happened, then you can correctly assess the situation. Donate your time and let the person talk, of course, if he wants to.
This is a very important point, we can say that your actions begin with it. This can be done as follows:
- Stay. You can't always console someone by talking; sometimes it's more important to just be there. It often happens that at the peak moment words do not work. In this case, your presence is much more effective. Be patient.
- Offer water. As a rule, drinking half a glass of cool water will make you feel relieved, it will help quench your thirst and catch your breath. Agree that it works.
- Offer a handkerchief or recommend washing with cool water. Here you yourself must navigate the situation. It’s stupid to ask a friend with painted eyelashes to wash her face; as a result, she may misunderstand your intentions. You may decide that you are demanding that you stop crying immediately.
To behave correctly, carefully observe the reaction to your words.
How to calm a crying person: provide support
How often do we support our friends, and how correctly do you think you do it?
Let's figure it all out:
- Allow the person to vent their emotions.
It is pointless to ask, especially a woman, to stop crying, no matter what the reason behind it. It is much more important, on the contrary, to allow you to cry out all the negative emotions, all the pain, regret, and anxiety. Do not hold back, otherwise it may entail such Negative consequences like depression.
Try to avoid statements such as “Stop it” or “Don't cry, it's not worth it!” The person gave free rein to his feelings, which means that at least for him it is important, do not disturb him.
- Find out how you can help.
It is possible that you may be asked to leave or asked to stay. In any case, ask the question - is there anything I can help you with now? And regardless of what they answer, make any decision respectfully.
If you are asked to leave, it will be enough to say whatever you say, but if I can help you with anything, let me know about it. Don't be offended under any circumstances. Sometimes you just need to be alone.
- Take your time.
Don't rush to take any action. Sometimes it just shouldn't be done. You are nearby, your presence is already beneficial, and if additional help is needed, I assure you, you will be informed about it.
- Hugs.
Remember how nice it is when your mother hugs you. How necessary it is when something worries us. If your girlfriend or boyfriend loves to hug, don't skimp on this gesture.
If in front of you is an unfamiliar person or someone who avoids physical contact, just ask directly - will you mind if I hug you?
Often, unlike friends, strangers do not strive for such actions, so you need to ask about it.
Discuss experiences
And here there are several very important, but often rarely used algorithms. By using a couple of them you will by example see how effectively they work:
- Don't be forced to speak out.
IN modern world Most people cannot share their experiences and problems with unfamiliar people. In this case, you should not insist.
Don't feel like you have to constantly say something, just stay and make it clear that you can be relied upon. Don't judge, it will only make things worse. The situation with your girlfriend or husband changes radically.
This is your close circle, your relationship with them is different and this is normal. In this case, it is easier for you to navigate based on personal qualities person.
- You are ready to listen.
If your answer is yes, then throughout the conversation give your full attention, try to maintain eye contact, do not express your judgments, your dissatisfaction with the situation, they are not always correct. Be tactful and polite.
- Don't turn your attention to yourself.
It is a misconception that words - I also recently experienced a similar situation - will somehow help you become closer to a person. This is far from true. With this phrase you focus attention on yourself, and it will not always work in your favor.
Events should develop around someone who now needs comfort. By turning attention to yourself, you can incorrectly make it clear to your interlocutor that his problems are nothing compared to yours.
- Don't look for a solution to the problem.
This is not your task. It is much more important to talk less and listen more, this way you will console much faster and will not break anything in the heat of the moment. You understand that you should not draw hasty conclusions and make hasty decisions.
- Psychotherapist or psychologist.
In some situations this is the solution. The only question is how to say this without hurting a person’s feelings. In this situation, you can only talk about specialist help with close people, and not with the victim. This must be done in a moment of complete despair.
If a person cannot cope with his problems on his own, you can correctly advise him to seek help from a specialist.
To do this, you can ask a leading question - is it really not easy for you? Maybe you can try seeing a psychotherapist.
Summarizing how to calm a crying person, remember that support is required from you. It can often be quite awkward to be around, but try not to think about yourself at this moment. Very soon the person will calm down and will definitely thank you for the care and attention you provided.
“An effective strategy for controlling anger relies on focusing attention on the angry person. You should give him the opportunity to express his anger and at the same time try to correct the situation that led to the outburst of rage, says Jack Schafer, professor of psychology, former special agent, author of the book “Turn on Charm the Secret Service Method.” “This approach breaks the vicious circle and allows you to resolve a critical situation without spoiling the relationship.”
It’s true, if in the course of resolving a conflict you manage to elevate your opponent in his own eyes, then you can not only calm him down, but even please him. And here's how you can do it.
1. Do not try to explain anything to an angry person: he is not able to think sensibly.
Anger triggers the body's fight-or-flight response, which physically and mentally prepares a person for conflict. At the moment of this reaction, the body reacts to the threat instinctively.
As danger increases, a person’s ability to think rationally completely disappears. Angry people behave the same way because anger is a reaction to a real or imaginary threat. They speak and act without reasoning, and the degree of cognitive impairment depends on the intensity of the anger.
How stronger man angry, the less inclined he is to logically comprehend information. In such a state, people do not notice the obvious, because their mind is darkened.
2. Give it time.
An angry person needs about 20 minutes to calm down and regain the ability to think clearly. He will not accept any explanations, solutions or ways to resolve the conflict until he regains control of his mind.
3. Offer a simple solution right away.
People always want to feel like they are in control of the situation. An angry person seeks lost meaning and order in the world. The inability to get back on track causes confusion, and confusion is expressed as anger.
Giving an explanation for this behavior or voicing the problem often helps restore the previous picture of the world and cool down the anger.
4. If a simple solution does not help, formulate a “compassionate statement.”
When an angry person hears that you understand him, he is initially surprised and confused. If sympathy is expressed unexpectedly, it may even arouse suspicion. But if you back up your words, it becomes difficult for a person not to appreciate the opponent’s participation. Empathy quickly leads to trust.
5. Assess the emotional state of the interlocutor.
This will greatly help to express sympathy without being too false. Be empathic and learn to recognize the nuances: anger can consist of different emotions (resentment, rage, sadness, wounded pride, etc.). You can use this to guide the person to the solution you need.
Pay attention to verbal and nonverbal reactions. Watch for the slightest changes in facial expressions.
6. Let the angry person blow off steam.
Most likely, you won't be able to let off steam at once. Remember that the first shock is usually the strongest. It allows a person to release tension, get rid of most of the anger and enter into dialogue. Subsequent times are less intense, especially if you don’t add more wood to the furnace of anger.
After each release there is a natural pause that should be filled with a sympathetic statement.
An angry person will throw out even more anger, although each time the intensity of the outbursts will decrease. This must be done until the anger subsides completely. A sigh, a long exhalation, hunched shoulders and a downcast gaze indicate that the anger has dried up.
7. Make a guess.
The assumption directs the thinking of an angry person towards resolving the conflict. It must be formulated in such a way that the interlocutor cannot deviate from the course of action imposed on him.
The ability to make assumptions requires active listening skills, since the assumption made directs the power of anger towards a resolution of the conflict that is acceptable to both parties.
The assumption must be formulated in such a way that it is difficult for a person to refuse the recommendation.
Here's how, for example, you can apply this technique in a work situation:
Manager: I expected your report to be ready this morning. Your behavior is unacceptable (anger).
Subordinate: I couldn't finish the report because I didn't receive data from the sales department. They promised to send them within an hour (simple explanation).
Leader: That's not an excuse. I had to go to the sales department and ask for data. You must understand how important it was for me to receive the report this morning. I have an appointment with a client this afternoon. I don't know what to do now (rejects the proposed explanation)
.
Subordinate: You're upset because the client is expecting a report this afternoon. (sympathetic statement).
Leader: Yes. You put me in an awkward position (release of steam).
Subordinate: You are disappointed because you expected to receive my report in the morning (sympathetic statement).
Leader: Exactly! That's the whole point (slouches and sighs; steam has finally been released).
Subordinate: I'll go down to the sales department right away and finish the report within an hour. Most likely, I will have time to give it to you before the client arrives (assumption).
Leader: Okay. See what you can do (the anger has finally subsided).
“Some people feel they are giving up their power and authority if they use nudges rather than intimidation,” says Marvin Carlins, a professor of management at the University of South Florida, a doctorate in psychology at Princeton University, and co-author of Charm the Secret Service. " “But thanks to the fact that a person has gotten rid of anger, he agrees to submit voluntarily.
By allowing the person to blow off steam, you increase the likelihood that he will agree with your decision and feel that you treated him with due respect. You can't think of a better outcome for the confrontation.
We all know how difficult it is to find yourself in a situation where you need to console someone, but you can’t find the right words.
Fortunately, most often people do not expect specific advice from us. It is important for them to feel that someone understands them, that they are not alone. So first, just describe how you feel. For example, using the following phrases: “I know that it’s very difficult for you now,” “I’m sorry that it’s so difficult for you.” This will make it clear that you really see what it’s like now. to a loved one.
2. Confirm that you understand these feelings.
But be careful, don’t draw all the attention to yourself, don’t try to prove that it was even worse for you. Briefly mention that you have been in a similar position before, and ask more about the condition of the person you are comforting.
3. Help your loved one understand the problem
Even if a person is looking for ways to resolve a difficult situation, first he just needs to talk it out. This especially applies to women.
So wait to offer solutions to the problem and listen. This will help the person you are comforting understand their feelings. After all, sometimes it is easier to understand your own experiences by telling others about them. By answering your questions, the interlocutor can find some solutions himself, understand that everything is not as bad as it seems, and simply feel relieved.
Here are some phrases and questions that can be used in this case:
- Tell me what happened.
- Tell me what's bothering you.
- What led to this?
- Help me understand how you feel.
- What scares you the most?
At the same time, try to avoid questions with the word “why”; they are too similar to judgment and will only anger the interlocutor.
4. Do not minimize the suffering of your interlocutor and do not try to make him laugh.
When we encounter the tears of a loved one, we, quite naturally, want to cheer him up or convince him that his problems are not so terrible. But what seems trivial to us can often upset others. So don't minimize another person's suffering.
What if someone is really worried about a trifle? Ask if there is any information that conflicts with his view of the situation. Then offer your opinion and share an alternative way out. It is very important here to clarify whether they want to hear your opinion, otherwise it may seem too aggressive.
5. Offer physical support if appropriate.
Sometimes people don’t want to talk at all, they just need to feel that there is a loved one nearby. In such cases, it is not always easy to decide how to behave.
Your actions should correspond to your usual behavior with a particular person. If you are not too close, putting your hand on your shoulder or giving him a light hug will suffice. Also look at the behavior of the other person, perhaps he himself will make it clear what he needs.
Remember that you should not be too zealous when you console: your partner may take it for flirting and be offended.
6. Suggest ways to solve the problem
If a person only needs your support and not specific advice, the above steps may be sufficient. By sharing your experiences, your interlocutor will feel relieved.
Ask if there is anything else you can do. If the conversation takes place in the evening, and most often this happens, suggest going to bed. As you know, the morning is wiser than the evening.
If your advice is needed, ask first if the interlocutor himself has any ideas. Decisions are made more readily when they come from someone who is themselves in a controversial situation. If the person you are comforting is unclear about what can be done in their situation, help develop specific steps. If he doesn’t know what to do at all, offer your options.
If a person is sad not because of a specific event, but because he has a problem, immediately move on to discussing specific actions that can help. Or suggest doing something, like going for a walk together. Unnecessary thinking will not only not help get rid of depression, but, on the contrary, will aggravate it.
7. Promise to continue to support
At the end of the conversation, be sure to mention again that you understand how difficult it is for your loved one right now, and that you are ready to continue to support him in everything.
