Teenagers, due to their maximalism, tend to call everything love. But love is a mature feeling based on realistic expectations for another person. In principle, it is not typical for teenagers.
Marina Slinkova
Family psychologist, leader of trainings for teenagers and their parents
What scares parents
Falling in love is a strong, vivid feeling that can completely take over a person. Just yesterday your child could study, have some goals, hobbies. And now he locks himself in a room, endlessly talks and texts with someone, spends more time outside the house or lies on the sofa and does not react to anything...
Falling in love is a selfish feeling. The emotions that boil in a teenager are much more important to him than the object of sympathy himself. In just a month, several lovers can change - and each time it will be considered that this is serious and for a long time. Your boy or girl's mood during the period of falling in love can be compared to a roller coaster. It’s a difficult time for parents: they simply stop being heard. In addition, for the first time in your life you understand that your child can be completely happy separately from you. Or (in the case of unrequited love) absolutely unhappy, despite all your care. Not everyone can easily accept this.
All you can do for him is be there and emotionally bear his experiences without devaluing them. Well, casually, regardless of his specific passion, throw in information for thought.
Love or friendship
It happens that a child has a long-standing “paired” relationship, but he calls it “just friendship.” But it happens the other way around: all communication comes down to tracking an object on social networks or sitting at the same desk, but your teenager talks about “his girlfriend” or “his boyfriend.” Not like you, it’s hard for him to understand his own experiences. Let's approach the question purely formally. Friendship and love - what do they have in common?
Emotional Attraction. We enjoy being in the same space, seeing another, appreciating the time spent together - be it a friend or a lover.
Confidence. Sharing your dreams, thoughts, plans, and counting on a response revelation is natural both with friends and with your loved one.
Respect. Friendship and love presuppose that relationships are built on mutual respect.
Support. We count on it and expect it from friends and loving people. And they themselves are ready to provide it.
How is love different from friendship? It would seem that the answer is simple - sex. In fact, there is both “sex for friendship” and chaste love - we’ll talk about this later. More in-depth, psychological plots allow you to distinguish a friend from “my girlfriend”:
Common goals. Friends each share their plans, but lovers certainly build them together and include each other in them.
Time and attention. The desire to be together every free minute and give attention to each other, this can never be found even in the strongest friendship.
Positive illusions. When we fall in love, we stop perceiving our chosen one as reality; his negative qualities seem to disappear. If someone talks about the shortcomings of the chosen one, then it is unbearable for the lover to hear it.
This is important to discuss with your children.
Same with sex
If you suddenly find your teenager kissing in the entrance, you may panic: what's next? Most likely nothing.
If we are talking about teenagers 11-14 years old, then sex at this age is a rare occurrence. The first ejaculation in boys normally occurs at 12-13 years, menarche in girls - at 11-12 years. That is, purely physically, they were not previously capable of sex and were not interested in it. Which, of course, does not exclude some behavioral features.
We have already said that teenage girls are afraid of the changes occurring in their own bodies. But at the same time, they strive to announce these changes - this is expressed in attacks on boys, awkward, inept, sometimes frighteningly intrusive coquetry. Boys, still remaining children without signs of puberty, pester girls themselves, trying to touch them, making various jokes, or deliberately building very distant (strictly academic or emphatically friendly) relationships. At the age of 11-12, the discrepancy in communication between girls and boys reaches its maximum.
But at the age of 13-14, both begin to make efforts to build relationships with the opposite sex. In a couple, a teenager learns to communicate correctly: not only to talk about himself, but also to be interested in his partner, giving him the opportunity to talk about himself; seek balance and not overload with your own life's difficulties; talk about your feelings, and not just about events and incidents; do not attack with kisses, but smoothly move from conversation to kisses.
At the age of 14-17, adolescents already have the necessary theoretical knowledge, natural curiosity and the need to establish themselves in the role of adults. In addition, boys have a strong sexual desire, while girls have a desire to be convinced of their feminine attractiveness and strength. And the combination of these factors, even without falling in love, can prompt them to make a sexual debut. You may not approve of this. But pretending that this doesn’t exist is stupid. This is why we need to talk to teenagers about sex and contraception even before puberty.
Stages of libido
Both parents and teenagers need to understand that all of the listed age stages correspond to the stages of libido formation: romantic, erotic and sexual. Each is important in its own way.
Romantic accompanied by surprisingly bright, sharp, incomparable feelings. In their fantasies, young men perform feats to attract the attention of their beloved, or even better, save her and thereby win her. In their dreams, girls picture themselves as desirable, tender, reverent, and their hero as selfless, caring and patient. All this raises attraction to the heights of True Love.
Erotic The stage of libido formation is marked by an increasing craving for physical intimacy: gentle touches, kisses, hugs. This phase in young men is quickly replaced by the need for direct sexual contact, but it is important because it teaches them to notice the partner’s sensual response to caresses. For girls, awakening a sensual response is very important: their emotions prevail over the processes of arousal, they are able to “love without sex” for quite a long time.
Sexy- the final stage in the formation of libido. If the previous stages have not been completed, then in adulthood difficulties may arise in sexual and partner relationships due to the lack of self-regulation skills and experience in observing the partner’s sensory response - there is no combination of physical intimacy and psychological intimacy.
What should parents do?
A child's first love is perhaps one of the most difficult stages in your relationship. On the one hand, you understand perfectly well that a teenager, even in a normal situation, is not inclined to listen to parental lectures, and an attempt to devalue feelings or “denigrate the image” of a lover will completely undermine your relationship. On the other hand, you want to protect from danger... What to do?
Set boundaries. Mutual respect for boundaries is the basis of human relationships. There are no borders - there will be no security and development. First of all, you need to agree on a time to return home. For a teenager, the feeling of control and guardianship is not only practical, but also psychological: he feels the stability of his life, feels the strength of his parental position. If there are consequences for violation, then they must occur. Yes, he protests, resists, threatens not to go to school - remain firm and calm (even visible), do not shout.
The very restrictions that you create for him will help him avoid questionable actions by blaming everything on you: there is an agreement with your parents to come no later than 10 p.m. and not to drink alcohol or drugs.
And over time, you will have to discuss whether it is possible to leave the girl (boy) overnight, whether they can go to a camp site for two days. In order to gain more freedom, a teenager must gain the trust of his parents, that is, fulfill their demands and his own promises. The expansion of freedom comes as a consequence of your trust in him - and this connection must be voiced and emphasized.
Last time we talked to you about children's love, which comes to our babies before puberty. Today I propose to discuss teenage love, try to figure out what it is, how to respond correctly to your child’s feelings and help him cope with them.
Puberty is such a complex and mysterious stage of development in the lives of adolescents. At the age of 12-16 years, our children experience intense love, becoming more absent-minded, apathetic, their mood changes at the speed of sound, and their academic performance decreases. And it is parents who in this situation must take on the role of wise mentors to help their children get through this difficult time. After all, who knows in advance, what if your teenager met his fate?
You shouldn’t take the news of falling in love as a tragedy on a global scale and throw hysterics about it with wringing of hands, fainting and terrible thoughts in the style: “Oh, it’s too early for him to fall in love, he should only have studies in his head.” Remember yourself at this age, your experiences, tossing, fear of confessing to your parents, horror at the thought that someone else besides you will find out about your feelings. Do you remember? And how did you feel? If you are lucky and your parents supported you, do the same with your child. And, if you were unlucky as a teenager, and adults just brushed you off, slapping you on the wrist and punishing you along the way (as was the case with me), you shouldn’t do the same. The opinion that “I coped and survived, and therefore you can too,” can be fatal for your child. Unfortunately, the thought of suicide due to unrequited love and misunderstanding with parents visits teenagers quite often, so they can simply brush it off and not pay attention. If you see that something is wrong with a child, try to have a heart-to-heart talk with him, frankly.
If a child falls in love, then it’s time.
You will have to come to terms with this - the child has grown up. He has grown so much that he is ready to love and accept love. And if you set boundaries: it’s too early for you or he (she) is not a match for you, you will lose the teenager’s trust. What to do, what to do? Let's turn to psychologists for help and see what they recommend.
1. To begin with, you should not elevate yourself above a teenager and put pressure on you with your parental authority - this will provoke a desire to act contrary to you.
2. Your child must understand that you are with him, that his problems are your problems, his experiences are your experiences and that you understand him perfectly.
3. You should not make fun of his feelings - they are too important for teenagers, and your ridicule can hurt him, alienating him from you.
4. Try to choose a calm form of communication so that there is no irritation or mutual aggression - children are already confused by the feelings that have arisen, and then their closest relatives and friends start scandals.
5. No one excludes the possibility that your child’s chosen one or chosen one does not entirely correspond to your parental plans - however, it’s not up to you to choose, at least not at the very least. acute period If you're in love, you certainly won't do anything. You shouldn’t make fun of his sympathy by responding unflatteringly and derogatorily; it’s better to find kind, sweet words– It’s easy to lose a child’s trust, but it’s difficult to regain it.
6. Super-caring parents will immediately try to give a lecture on the topic of early sexual activity, its dangers, diseases and consequences. Of course, sex education for teenagers is necessary, the main thing is not to overdo it and not provoke excessive interest in that very “forbidden fruit.”
7. To have a clear idea of the object of your child’s adoration, invite him to visit. What will this give you? You will get to know him personally and form your own, objective opinion about him. And it’s better to let them see you at home, in front of your eyes, than somewhere in the gateways. Just don’t “strangle” the young lovers with excessive care, give them a little freedom of action.
8. Choose a good moment and tell about your first love, your experiences, how and how it all ended, what experience you gained.
9. Do not prevent a teenager from making decisions on his own, to take a better look at his object of sympathy, even if he is disappointed in him - this will be his decision, not yours.
And how can you communicate with him, a lover?
A teenager in love does not fully understand what is happening to him: hormones are seething, his mood is up and down, sometimes I love it, sometimes I hate it. Definitely, he needs your support: you are older, you are more experienced, after all, you have already been through this. And young Romeo and Juliet, who so want to be adults, are still only on the path of gaining experience and yours valuable advice, truthful answers to questions, openness and a desire to help will be very helpful.
When a child is in love, he wants to be better, look more beautiful and neat. It's time to teach your offspring how to properly put things in a closet, how to take care of themselves, and a reminder about hygiene would be a good idea. You can go shopping together and pick up a few new things for your child, or beautiful accessories for a girl. In a word, take an active part in the transformation of the child. Your offspring will definitely not hear lectures about their deteriorating studies, but careful conversations on this topic are still worth having. Try to convey to him that quality education is an excellent start for the future and love in this matter is not a hindrance, but on the contrary, an excellent helper. Help plan your day in such a way that you can complete homework sufficient time was given.
Of course, it’s easy to give advice and you can write anything you want, but let’s talk honestly, parents. Answer me this question: Are you scared of your teenager falling in love? Why? What exactly is the source of anxiety? Fear that your child may experience unrequited love? What will suffer and do a bunch of stupid things in this state? Or do you personally not want to worry about this?
In any case, whatever your answers, remember that this is your child, but not property. And he grows, his problems and difficulties also take on a more adult character. Whether you like it or not, he is in love. And it is in your power to help him cope with this avalanche of emotions that are still incomprehensible, let the child feel that you are with him, you are nearby and will always help. Throw your fears and parental jealousy out of your head - they are not helping you. Our children deserve respect, they do not need prohibitions and boundaries, they need our support and love.
Romeo and Juliet - back side love.
Let's talk a little about bad habits. Above, I already cited as an example the advice of a psychologist that it is better to get to know the object of your child’s adoration in person. And if you notice that something is wrong with your chosen one, do not rush to immediately throw him out the door. It’s better to talk to your teenager later and try to find out in more detail who his chosen one is and from what family. The age of 14-16 years is a time of experimentation, when yesterday’s children try to imitate adults: they try smoking, get acquainted with alcohol, alas, but also with drugs. And here it is important not to miss the moment when a teenager turns from an interested person to an addict.
Sports, all kinds of interest groups, sections - this is the distraction that will help you protect your teenager from an early acquaintance with adult life. There is no point in scolding, punishing, and even more so beating. As I wrote above, this can provoke action “in spite of”. Conversations that are even better supported by relevant literature will be more effective.
Due to misunderstandings with my parents, I started smoking at the age of 13, and by the age of 15 I became acquainted with alcohol. All this was done in spite of parental prohibitions: don’t go, don’t play, stay at home and study your homework. It is a miracle that with such behavior I did not end up in bad company, but graduated from school decently and was able to enter a university and receive a higher education.
The first sexual experience is also acquired at this age: some learn to kiss, and some acquire a sexual partner. And here it is worth reminding you that conversations with your children about sex education should begin from early childhood, presenting information in accordance with the age of your child. A teenager who knows where and how children come from, what sex is and what the consequences can be is unlikely to want full intimacy at this age.
Let's summarize.
Love is, of course, always wonderful! This is a feeling that elevates a person, motivating him to take actions that were previously unusual for him. This is a set of emotions that cannot be described in one sentence, but without this feeling human life is not perfect. And when our children fall in love, we should not disturb them by creating an obstacle course on the way to the object of their affection. Help them, so young and inexperienced, teach them to respect their chosen ones, to appreciate, to be sensitive and attentive, and caring.
Remember, dear parents, that now you are helping your child learn to love, and how closely and sincerely you take part in his life depends on how he will build relationships with the opposite sex in adulthood.
Love is a feeling that makes life brighter, richer and more “real”. It gives meaning to everything a person does and makes him look at the world with different eyes. But the first love of teenagers is most often a tangled tangle of emotions, where there is more suffering than joy. But at the same time, it brings so much happiness that many later consider it the brightest memory of their entire life.
Teenagers do not yet know how to understand other people and attribute their feelings to them. It seems to them that no one has ever felt or suffered so much. They believe that no one understands them - neither their loved ones, nor their parents, nor their friends, and they suffer from loneliness and the inability to look at themselves from the outside. Unfortunately, almost everyone goes through this path, through trial, error and suffering, gaining life wisdom and losing the acuity of feelings. This is why adults look at love between teenagers with both pity and envy.
Teenagers often come up with an ideal for themselves, and then suffer cruelly because it does not correspond to reality. For example, a romantic young man is ready to walk with his beloved under the moon, give her stars in the sky and read poetry. But his girlfriend is quite down-to-earth, she yawns to poetry, loves dancing, parties and noisy companies. Such love between two teenagers results in quarrels, suffering and even the desire to commit suicide.
An example of another love story from the life of teenagers: a guy wants sex, but his girlfriend has not yet matured for it. She cares about their relationship, the spiritual connection, and even after agreeing to have sex, she doesn’t feel anything in bed. What's next? He reproaches her for her coldness, for not loving him. She also reproaches him: for his callousness and that he does not love her. Hence the almost constant quarrels.
Teenage love and complexes
Various complexes seriously affect relationships with others. A minor because he (as he thinks) has a too big nose or pimples on his face (as many as 3 of them, horror!!!) can behave completely inappropriately: he shies away from everyone, does not communicate with his peers, and completely withdraws into the virtual world. Or decide that everything is lost, stop washing, follow fashion and start pretending to be a macho who doesn’t care about other people’s opinions, and secretly suffer from every glance. If the love of teenagers is mixed into all this, then the result is a completely explosive mixture, because young people are generally jealous, due to their egocentrism, and those with complexes are doubly jealous. They constantly poison the lives of both themselves and their significant other.
Unrequited love in adolescence
Another common story is the unrequited love of teenagers. How often it happens that the object of love does not reciprocate, does not pay attention, or even laughs at the unhappy lover. It’s easier for those who fall in love often and, after “suffering” for another month, fall in love with someone else. It is much more difficult for monogamous people, whose whole life revolves around the object of their love. Sometimes you can’t get out of this state on your own and a person dies of love. Of course, this gives rise to beautiful stories about the love of teenagers, but it brings a lot of grief to their loved ones. Therefore, parents who notice that the child has abandoned all his affairs, is not interested in anything, cries and prefers loneliness, should take him to a psychiatrist. Of course, during major quarrels and breakups, many behave this way, but if this lasts for months, then you need to sound the alarm.
The first teenage love remains in our memory for long years. But having become parents ourselves, we often forget about that time. And when our own child admits that love has come to him, sometimes we find ourselves completely unprepared for this event. Especially if this happens at a very young age.
Often parents are openly perplexed and even express their indignation: “What kind of love is there at such and such an age!” And if the object of their son’s or daughter’s adoration is not as good as they would like, some even try to “open the eyes” of their unreasonable offspring, holding endless conversations on the topic “we didn’t raise you for this...” The result is mutual misunderstanding and tension in relationships.
What do family psychologists say about this?
The period from 13 to 16 years is a very difficult age. At this time, teenage negativism is acutely manifested, all statements of adults are called into question. Often a teenager believes that parents and other adults are getting too into his soul. He withdraws into himself or starts relationships with the opposite sex for the sake of self-affirmation. The opinion of friends and peers plays a huge role.
It is incredibly important for a child to be envied and admired by others. Such an object of admiration can be a pretty girlfriend or a charming young man. Sometimes a teenager starts a relationship just because he wants to seem more mature. Whatever motives guide your child, try to calm down your parental fervor and follow the following rules.
Rule one: Be sure to meet your child’s chosen one or chosen one. You shouldn’t make hasty conclusions without talking and without getting to know the person better. Perhaps he is not as bad as you thought at first glance.
Rule two: Hold back complaints and criticism. You should not pointedly point out to your son the shortcomings of his girlfriend or convince your daughter that this boy is not a match for her. This will only make the situation worse. It’s better to try to get him into a frank conversation to understand what attracted him so much to the object of his adoration.
Rule three: Do not turn a confidential conversation into a moral lesson. With reproaches and lectures you will only lower his self-esteem, and then he will try to assert himself at the expense of others. It is better to praise him, and sincerely. Talk about his merits, and, being confident in himself, he will look for a worthy partner.
Rule four: Let him make a mistake. Yes, first love can bring painful and painful experiences. But believe me, you won’t be able to protect him from all troubles in advance. So wouldn't it be better to give him the opportunity to gain his own experience?
Rule five: Do not try to quarrel between young lovers. If you cannot approve of your son or daughter's choice, then at least respect it. Remember that by getting involved in the relationship of lovers, you risk remaining guilty of all his failures. And even many years later, he can remember how you tried to destroy fragile feelings.
Rule six: Don't forget to talk about contraception. Of course, the thought that a very young creature will experience the joys of sex is unlikely to please anyone. More often than not, parents prefer not to think about it, believing that it is too early. But you shouldn’t be an ostrich, escaping problems by sticking your head in the sand. Children today are growing up much faster than two or three generations ago. And the lack of necessary knowledge, the explosive nature of emotions and increased hormonal levels can play a cruel joke. So, it's better to talk in advance. Then it may be too late.
Rule seven: if you absolutely cannot come to terms with your child’s choice, try to tactfully explain to him that first love does not necessarily last a lifetime. And the object of his adoration is not the only representative of the opposite sex on this planet. And most likely not ideal. Let him realize that life path His life is still very long, and many interesting meetings await him ahead.
Last rule: Become a true and sincere friend to your child. After all, he is just entering adult life, and timely, kind advice from a parent will help you cope with your first love experiences.
If you have a son, a new book by sexologist and psychotherapist Alexander Poleev will dispel many parental doubts. How to react if your teenager starts dating a girl? What's really behind this hobby? Can a teenager's feeling be called love? And what should you do if you don’t like your son’s chosen one or you think that there is no time for love now - you need to prepare for the Unified State Exam?
Is teenage love really love?
The main argument of parents who limit, or even completely prohibit (try to prohibit!) their son from meeting a girl, is that a boy of 15-17 years old is simply not capable of any deep and lasting feeling, and there will be nothing terrible if he will give up a relationship with a girl for the sake of studying. And many psychologists believe that a teenager’s love feeling is temporary, frivolous and deceptive.
Modern science knows about love, about this most important feeling in a person’s life, or rather a state, not yet everything, but it knows quite a lot. The basis of the feeling of love is two simple attitudes:
- Idealization of the object of love, that is, attributing to it many positive qualities.
- The idea of the uniqueness of this object for you, to put it simply, the idea that only with this woman can you live happily together - and with no other.
The complex complex of love feelings also includes the desire, first of all, to give to the object of love, and not to take from it; the desire to take care of a loved one, that is, an active interest in his well-being and development; responsibility for him, respect for him, that is, acceptance and positive assessment of his personality, character, views as they currently exist. IN love feeling tenth and eleventh graders already have all these components. Yes they are painted psychological characteristics character of teenagers, but they are present!
An important component of the state called love is the desire to be in the company of the object of passion as quickly as possible and to stay in this society for as long as possible. When lovers are close, even just walking in the park, without even holding hands, they are in a special euphoric state, which bizarrely combines emotional uplift, excitement, great mood and a sense of security.
Love - or Romeo and Juliet syndrome?
The transformation of the first love feeling into the Romeo and Juliet syndrome, in variations from severe to mild, according to experts, occurs in every fourth teenager. It is especially often observed in boys from single-parent families, in those who are raised only by their mother.
The main and practically the only reason for the occurrence of this syndrome is the parents’ resistance to communicating with the girl or even simply criticism of her personality and behavior - without any practical restrictions. Parents need to constantly remember that when the first feeling appears, their son quickly and automatically becomes especially vulnerable and fragile - even if before this love he was completely mentally stable and seemed courageous to you.
The appearance of vulnerability and a decrease in masculinity in teenagers and young people in a situation of love was described by old Shakespeare. These phenomena exist for only five to seven months, but during this time God knows what can happen to a teenager. Psychoanalysts explain this change in the psyche of a 16-18-year-old teenager by the process of identification with a girl, the emergence of romantic feelings and special euphoric states when meeting her. But adolescent psychotherapists believe that we simply do not yet know the causes and mechanisms of this phenomenon in the character of boys.
He may have taken your critical statements about his friends relatively calmly, although he probably did not agree with them. But he perceives critical remarks addressed to the object of love or even affection in a completely different way.
A teenager’s infatuation with a girl is not always a big and bright love. Boys often start relationships with the opposite sex for the sake of self-affirmation, increasing self-esteem. The opinions of friends, peers, and those around him play a huge role in his self-esteem. Don’t forget that for an older teenager (unlike mature men!) it is incredibly important that his peers envy and admire him (the latter is the ultimate dream!). Such an object of admiration could be that he has a pretty girlfriend, or that the girl has a charming young man.
Sometimes a teenager starts a relationship just because he wants to seem more mature. For some teenagers, adulthood means getting higher education, Start independent work, having your own income. For others, having a permanent girlfriend. For others, unfortunately, adulthood is associated with drinking alcohol...
Rules for parents of teenagers in love
But parental prohibitions, restrictions, and even just criticism can turn even a feeling that was not love in the first place into “Romeo and Juliet syndrome.” Whatever motives guide your son in his feelings of love, try to calm down your parental ardor and observe certain rules. Otherwise, the teenage crisis will get out of control, the son will “carry away”, and it will be oh so difficult to stop him.
Rule one: Be sure to meet your son's chosen one. You shouldn’t make hasty conclusions without talking to her and getting to know her better. She may not be as bad or unworthy as you think. Just don’t give her a formal interrogation instead of pleasant communication; there’s no need to humiliate either her or her son.
Rule two: love relationship Having a son, of course, involves confidential conversations with him about love and intimate relationships. Do not turn a confidential conversation into a moral lesson. With reproaches and lectures you will only lower his self-esteem, and then he will try to assert himself at the expense of others.
Rule three: let your son make a mistake. Yes, it can bring him painful and painful experiences. But believe me: you won’t be able to protect him from all troubles in advance. So wouldn’t it be better to give him the opportunity to gain his own experience, including the experience of coping with mental trauma, the experience of overcoming difficulties and failures?
Rule four: do not try to quarrel between your son and his girlfriend; You may not approve of your son’s choice, but you will have to respect this choice. And the most important thing: if you, parents, get involved in the relationship of lovers, you will certainly find yourself and remain in his mind guilty of all his failures, including those completely unrelated to your interference. Even many years later, your son may remember how you interfered in his love relationships, how you tried to destroy them.
Rule five: try to tactfully explain to your son—preferably during the days of his conflict with his beloved—that first love does not necessarily last a lifetime, that the object of his adoration is not the only representative of the fair sex on planet Earth. Let him realize that his life’s journey is still very long, and many interesting meetings with a variety of girls await him ahead.
He cannot hear this thought, this statement from anyone except his parents - well, it’s not his peers who will express such an opinion. Tactfully conveying this idea to your son is your parental responsibility.
Of course, during good relations with a girl and even during periods of small conflicts, the son will only snort; as a rule, he does not even admit the thought that someone can compare with his Masha. He does not admit that he can love someone else. (For an adult man, such thoughts are natural even in the situation of his greatest infatuation with a woman.) But “snorting” does not at all mean that the son did not hear you; he does not agree with this statement, but he remembered it. And when he seriously quarrels with his first love, he will remember your words. He will remember it with great benefit for himself.
