Hello dear readers of the Samprosvetbyulletin blog!
“I came across such a situation, a woman, she worries, then calms down and suddenly this ex wants to come back to her again. Should you accept it or drive it away from you?” — writes Zhanna.
“My ex wants to get back after leaving me for another girl. They were together for two years, then they broke up, she went away to study somewhere, and now she has returned and started calling him. He told me that something might work out for him here, since they were happy together. After 3 months he suddenly started calling me, at first he just asked how I was doing and what I was doing. Then he called again to say that he was only thinking about me. I still miss and love him too. But I’m afraid that if I take it now, it will all happen again, and it will hurt me even more. Please advise how to behave? — Victoria writes.
Why we can't let go of past relationships see →.
The biggest mistake couples can make after a breakup is simply getting back together. They mistakenly believe that if their feelings are still strong, a second attempt at being together might work. Most do not try to understand what really happened between them and what changes they need. They simply pick up where they left and continue on.
They try to restart relationships that did not work out before. But repeat the same thing again and wait different result is the definition of insanity and insanity.
When you take milk out of the refrigerator and find it's spoiled, you don't put it back in the hope that it will be fresh tomorrow, do you? You will want to purchase fresh milk and get rid of the spoiled milk.
Practice family psychology shows that second-round relationships only work if the partners:
- have become different people compared to who they were at the time of separation;
- retained the qualities that attracted them to each other earlier;
- They begin to build relationships from scratch, and do not just stick together at the place where they separated.
Psychological trap - returning what was lost
Although I always encourage looking for the positive in any situation, now I have to recommend the opposite. If your ex wants to come back, ignore the positive from his appearance and look for the negative. This approach will save you from repeated disappointment and injury and will show what is happening in full perspective.
It is very easy to fall into a psychological trap now if your feelings are still strong and you have not yet met new love. Your wound is still fresh and painful, and it seems like getting your ex back is the best cure.
If you still have a feeling of emotional loss, then you want to return what was lost and regain your previous state. But this actually means going into the past, which is impossible. And does this make sense?
If some life path led you to disappointment and pain, then why return to it again? It probably makes sense to take a different path, avoiding past mistakes. And then the question will be whether you and your ex are on the same path.
Reasons for leaving and returning
Is there a second chance with an ex who wants back? It depends on the motives of his action. You may believe that he was brought back by a conscious and hard-won decision to connect his future with you, but in fact, he may be driven by completely inappropriate, unpleasant motives.
Let's look at a few examples:
1.Searching for convenient options and unwillingness to make efforts
Let me give you an example from personal experience. Once upon a time, I began to develop an acquaintance with one gentleman, but suddenly he decided to try again with his ex-girlfriend, who wanted to get back together with him. We broke up, and a few months later he appeared, saying that things didn’t work out with his girlfriend. I continued to communicate with him in a friendly manner, and soon he told me that he wanted to try to find happiness with a colleague who confessed her love to him.
Then he moved to work in another city, left his colleague and began dating a local woman, because she is always nearby and he doesn’t have to travel anywhere. So throughout his strategy one line was traced - to make it simple, comfortable and without extra costs.
Such a person may return to you, simply because it is easier for him than to look for someone else. Should he dial your phone number and say that he misses you and is thinking about you? You already know each other, something has formed between you, there is no need to start all over again. If he is not accepted, he will simply call the next one and so on. If you accept him, he will leave you again when a more convenient option comes along.
2. Fears and psychological immaturity
I remembered a story that happened to our neighbor. After a year of marriage, her husband went to buy diapers for his son and did not return. He turned off the phone and didn’t even want to explain himself. The neighbor filed for divorce. A year later he knocked on her door.
- “Why did you leave us?” she asked.
“It was hard because of the child, you paid little attention to me, I was afraid that it would always be like this. But I felt bad without you,” he replied.
Men of this type cannot understand what they need in life; they are characterized by irrational fears, inability to cope with responsibility and overcome daily difficulties, immaturity, and uncertainty about their goals and desires. In other words, such people cannot be relied upon; they are unreliable and unpredictable. With them, you risk getting an unpleasant surprise again after some time.
3. Influence of third parties
Your partner leaves you under the influence of your mother, relatives and friends, but then realizes that he was wrong. And here the question arises: how susceptible is he to influence? Is he able to accept independent decisions? Is there a guarantee that he will not succumb to the pressure of authority again?
4. Life circumstances
In my practice, there have been stories when men were forced to separate from their lovers due to some factors little dependent on them: moving, illness of a child or parent, difficult financial difficulties, job loss. They believed that they could not offer themselves while they had unresolved problems. Later, when their life began to return to normal, they wanted to return. For some of these couples, things got better again.
There may also be a variety of other reasons that prompted a man to leave, depending on his unique circumstances and personal characteristics.
So, if your ex who left you wants to come back:
- Don’t give in to the first delight, look for the negative, ignore the positive.
- Find the real motives behind his behavior.
- Get an idea of what kind of relationship you want and what kind of person might suit you.
- Determine whether the answers to points 1 and 2 fit into this view?
- If you still decide not to drive your ex away, start over from scratch without repeating old mistakes. Otherwise, you will create a precedent that you can be left and then, as if nothing had happened, return to your previous positions.
If you still have doubts about what to do when your ex wants to return, ask for advice from loved ones you trust. It's useful to get an outside perspective. You can also contact me at
Hello! My name is Elena and I am 26 years old. My husband's name is Arthur and he is 28 years old. We started dating him when I was 17 years old. At the age of 19 I married him, and at 21 I gave birth to a son. The relationship was average. There were quarrels and mutual understanding. But with the birth of the child, because... I no longer worked and started having financial problems. The husband did not earn much and often spent money on clothes. We didn’t have enough for food, scandals began that lasted for 2.5 years. During this time, I had 2 abortions from my husband, because... I understood that I would have nothing to feed or clothe the babies. It was terribly scary and painful, but I did it. Although the husband asked to leave the children, he continued to spend money only on himself. I began to often correspond with someone on ICQ.. Both day and night (at night we slept in different beds) I was closer to the child. I began to suspect that he had a mistress, but he denied it. And then one winter, when there was no money, he again spent everything on himself. I said that we were getting a divorce, he begged for forgiveness and said that everything would be fine. I believed it, but already in May he sent me an SMS, saying sorry, you deserve better, but I love someone else. I was shocked. but did not scold him. She called into the kitchen and simply spoke. She explained that both were wrong about something. But we need to think about the family, about the child. Every day I came up with something new, either a dinner by candlelight, or a bath with a massage. She did everything so that he would be with us... But already in June he packed his things and moved in with her. She was 17 years old. As I found out, he met her in the winter exactly when I asked for a divorce... She did everything to make me look like a fool in his eyes. He came to us often, cried, said that he was in pain, that he wanted to be with us. We are the closest to him, but she is not. I meet a young man and, probably out of spite for my husband, I start dating him. The husband immediately starts coming every day and getting jealous. He said that he would return, but he didn’t make a single attempt, he just talked. As a result, I broke up with that young man. Hoping in my heart that my husband will now return. But in the end, in February, we officially divorced. But I loved him and still hoped... And already in May next year My husband finally decides to leave his girlfriend and returns to the family. We are going on vacation together to his parents. We don't have sex there. He hardly looks at me, he walks with friends, and I am alone with my son. I was worried, cried and didn’t know what to do. As a result, I return home with the child, and my husband does the paperwork at home. And then it began.. He needed money, I sent it. I helped as much as I could, but instead of thanking him, he just shouted at me, as he later said he was nervous... And I could neither work nor sleep. I just tried to help him. At this moment, I have a man at work who listens to me and gives advice. He gives me money for my husband.. I see that he has sympathy for me. Yes, and I have to go to him. And when I sent money to my husband the last time, he didn’t say anything in response, but just shouted very loudly. And a couple of days later he called with the words that I would come soon, I replied that you can come, but not to us. And he did just that, came and made peace with his girlfriend again. I began to communicate more and more with the young man... I became attached to him, just as he became attached to me. My husband started calling once every two weeks. He goes to live in St. Petersburg and writes or calls from there still once every two weeks. I started dating a man from work. In him I saw a real man, support and support. My husband came to me and begged him to forgive me and give me one night... We had it, after which I became pregnant again. I called him and told him that I was pregnant, he replied that it was not mine. I had an abortion. Before the abortion, he began to call and ask to keep the baby, but did not offer to live together, but said that if I didn’t want to raise him, I should give the child to him. I was shocked.. Having mustered up the courage, I told my boyfriend about the betrayal and expected him to leave immediately. But he hugged me and kissed me tenderly. I told him about the abortion, he was very upset. He went with me to the clinic, gave me money... And then I realized what kind of little man was next to me. Who was there in difficult times and did not run away.
We understand each other perfectly, BUT he has a family. I don’t ask him to always be there, I don’t ask him to leave the family, because... I went through this myself, it’s terrible that I became a mistress, but never before have I experienced what I experience with him. It's easy, calm, fun with him. He says there are no relationships at home. They live because of the child. We work together and come to work together every day. We take my child to kindergarten. He comes to see me often, but doesn’t stay overnight. I think that everything is not so bad there after all. This has been going on for a year now... And then my husband appears. He broke up with his girlfriend 2 months ago and asked for forgiveness with tears in his eyes. He says that he realized what a mistake he made. That he cannot live without us. That he wants to marry and be married to me. That I should give him another chance. But I no longer have those feelings for him. It just remains that he is the father of my child. I have already become attached to someone else, but he is not mine either, he has a family. But I don’t know what to do. My husband proposed and is expecting an answer soon... I am confused... Help me please.
Hello, Elena! You made some pretty difficult choices in life and you went through a lot - all this time in your marriage and after, you hoped and expected that your husband would understand you, accept you and love you the way you would like - but life may turn out differently - You lived with your husband, you got to know him from different sides, he betrayed and left, disrespected and neglected you, your relationship was confused and built on some kind of game - on revenge - which ultimately led to the loss of several lives (you lost children) that no one will return - you already know what kind of person was next to you, who values only his feelings more, but not yours and not the child, who prefers to escape from problems rather than solve them (and even now having parted with his With a girl, he again does not solve the problems in himself, but returns to where he knows that they can accept - that is, he shifted all the responsibility onto you) - You just have to understand yourself and understand - do you want to be with that person? for what? What will that relationship give and what will it deprive?
Of course, a relationship with a married person is not stable and is also, in principle, irresponsible in relation to you and your child - after all, you are still left alone!
You now have a choice between two extremes - and think about it - is it worth taking them? what will you gain? maybe you should stop and just understand yourself (and also try to understand - maybe in that person from work - you found what you were looking for in a husband, but didn’t get it - but this is also not a reason to choose - you choose a man, not what you received attitude!)
Elena, if you decide to understand yourself, you can safely contact me - call me - I will be glad to see you and help you!
Good answer 7 Bad answer 0Hello, Elena! Building relationships is serious work and the contribution of both. And first of all, you need to decide, what do you actually expect and want from your ex-husband??? What can he really give you that is pleasant for you? What commitments can you make to each other? How is he going to manage your joint family (if you accept him) - financial side? Etc.. And it is advisable to write everything down on paper, so that in a couple of days you can re-read it and confirm that what was written is correct, or rewrite some points. And then, they agreed with him on all the points relating to the family, and also wrote it down and signed it, so that there was responsibility - this is on the one hand; and on the other hand, there is a correspondence between what is written and what is done!!! By changing himself and changing his attitude towards himself, towards the situation and towards his man, he is forced to begin to change in any way, just like the situation as a whole. Only here it is important not to go from one extreme to another, but to be flexible and labile! That is, if you sent him money before, now you don’t need to demand millions from him, but gradually, start with the fact that he brings home money, talk about what amount, and so that this is carried out (and of course, don’t even think about continuing to support him financially!). It is necessary that you determine for yourself your values and how much they coincide with him, since there is an expression that if partners have common values, then they will live together. Talk about this with your friend at work, what he will tell you as a man, how you should behave with your ex-husband who asks to return... It may also be interesting... And remember that you are not responsible for what what other people do, say, feel, but for their own behavior, decisions, actions, actions, feelings, as well as for their own reactions to what is happening. Start treating yourself with care and love; take care of your son, and build your family with a person who is ready to take on responsibilities, show care, respect and share with you a closeness that is pleasant for both of you! All the best. Sincerely, Lyudmila K.
Good answer 6 Bad answer 1Hello, Elena.
Unfortunately, only you can make this decision. But let's try to put everything in its place.
Your experience shows that your ex-husband does not keep his word.
You don't love him.
Why do you need this marriage? To "bad, yes my"? Is this what you deserve? Is that how you value yourself? First of all, a child needs a happy family, even if not complete. If your ex-husband wants to communicate with his son, that is his right. But your life is yours, it is the only one. Imagine yourself a year from now that all these events have already passed. You broke up with your loved one and married your husband again - and think about what you regret and what you don’t. And then imagine the situation the other way around - you rejected your husband, stayed with your loved one, etc.
But you are 26 years old! You still have your whole life ahead of you. You can meet more than one worthy man.
The current relationship gives you joy, lightness, fun. Are you ready to easily give them up?
If it is difficult for you to answer these questions yourself, I will be glad to help you figure it out.
Sincerely,
Good answer 5 Bad answer 1 
Elena, most likely your husband is an immature person trying to bring back romance, it was not in vain that he found a 17 year old girl (the age he met you), he does not take responsibility for the family, or rather you do not give him (and you kill the children yourself and provide for him financially) ...
He is your second (most likely first) child, perhaps that’s why you don’t want more children - to “grow” these ones. Abortion is the end of a relationship (you have three). You can enter into a new relationship with your husband, but for this it is important to do a lot of work on mistakes, otherwise... everything will go in another circle.
Your father took part in your upbringing, how your mother and father’s relationship developed and other questions... From somewhere comes the scenario of relationships with men. Come if you decide, I’ll help you figure out where the “legs grow” from the situation.
Good answer 5 Bad answer 1My name is Anastasia, I am now 33 years old, I want to tell my story. Please don’t judge me harshly, even though I deserve insults and stones. I got married for the first time at the age of 18, he is 2 years older than me, a wonderful, purposeful person, I married for love. A year later, our daughter was born, my husband switched to part-time work, worked day and night so that we would not need anything, was attentive and caring. After 10 years, my feelings for Dima dulled a little, but I wasn’t looking for a new relationship, I wasn’t even looking for entertainment on the side, because I was happily married and what happened came as a surprise to me, as if it was beyond me . All women, if they have another man on the side, say that both are to blame, they try most shift the blame onto her husband: he didn’t pay attention, didn’t appreciate her, left her alone for a long time. Yes, he had business trips, representative offices of the company where he works as a top manager are located throughout Russia and even abroad, but they were not long, from one week to a maximum of a month. He always came with gifts for me and my daughter, everything about sex was great, I don’t think he was to blame for anything, I’m the only one to blame.
I was already 28 years old at that time, I worked as a graphic designer. I met my future lover at an exhibition, his name was Anatoly, he was 14 years older than me, divorced, apparently with life experience. Was general director company competing with her husband. After the exhibition, we went to a cafe, he turned out to be a very interesting conversationalist, he knew how to look after me beautifully, it turned out that we had a lot of common topics, we exchanged phone numbers, I gave him my number as if hypnotized. And then everything started spinning, it didn’t stop him that I was married, that I had a daughter, he was very assertive. In the end I gave up. First, communication, walks in the park, first and subsequent kisses. I hated myself, I wanted to stop all this, I loved my husband and love the site, but not the same feelings as before. There was no spark that I felt for Anatoly at that time; for me, my husband was like a dear, beloved, caring person, the father of my daughter, but there were completely different emotions for the new man.
When my husband went to St. Petersburg for a few days for a congress, Tolik invited me to spend the weekend at his dacha. I already guessed what exactly was going to happen there, but that didn’t stop me. On the contrary, curiosity was bursting; I had been dating Dima since I was 16 years old; physically, he was my first and only man to this day. Trying not to think about my husband, I took my daughter to my mother-in-law, and I called Tolya, and he sent a car for me. I decided that this would be our last meeting and the last stupid thing that would be done on my part. When I arrived there, it seemed to me that I was in a fairy tale, in another world. There was a luxurious table, exotic fruits, a sauna, a swimming pool, and a jacuzzi. Expensive cognac went to my head and that’s where everything happened for the first time. Anatoly surpassed my husband both in experience and temperament, it was as if he read my thoughts and knew all my points, or so it seemed to me, because with Dima everything was somehow ordinary and familiar, he always knew what I wanted, and Tolya knew me just surprised.
It seemed to me that since this would be the last time, I decided to have a blast. He gave me a gorgeous ring, said that in his life he had never loved anyone as much as me, and suggested that I divorce Dima and marry him. I simply did not expect such a turn of events, but he said that he understood me, that he knew how difficult it was for me to make a choice, he said that he knew what it was like to be afraid of being hurt. to a loved one, so they won’t rush me or put pressure on me. But if the answer is positive, I am ready to provide a wonderful future for me and my daughter. At home, sobering and insight came. For the first time I cheated on my husband, my beloved and to a loved one. I lay in the bathroom for three hours, stood in the shower for two hours, and cried until the evening. My daughter took the site. The next day Dima arrived, happy, with gifts, hugged me, and I hid my eyes and my conscience gnawed at me from the inside, I would even say, tore me apart. Dima didn't deserve this. It even seemed to me that he felt something. I deleted all Anatoly’s numbers, all calls and messages, hid the ring he gave me in my locker, tried to erase Tolik and the episode at the dacha from my life. I tried to pay as much attention and affection as possible to my husband, daughter, in general, to my family, but I couldn’t help but think about him. It’s like withdrawal, like a drug, I remembered every touch of Tolya, having sex with my husband, I imagined Anatoly and those hours at his dacha.
At first I ignored his calls, but then I couldn’t stand it and called myself. She said that I wanted to meet, so that I could rent a hotel room and wait for me there, and warned that this would be the last time, because I couldn’t leave my husband. She returned the ring to him in the room and asked him to get straight to the point without saying a word. I endured the second betrayal of my husband on the site more easily, even my feelings of conscience were not as gnawed at, although I still felt disgusting and disgusting. Tolik didn’t want to take his gift back, but I insisted and said that God forbid, my husband finds it, let him stay with him until I make a decision. He joked and said that he didn’t clean it far. I decided that the next meeting would be the last for sure. Then again, and then again, and in the end our meetings became regular, we met anywhere, in a hotel, at the dacha, in his apartment, I didn’t bring him to my house, and he didn’t really ask for it. I lied to my husband, I lied to my daughter as best I could, then I was detained at work, then my car broke down, then my friend’s, in general, I got confused in my own lies, but I didn’t care anymore, I realized that I was in trouble and come what may. I don’t know how long this would have lasted if chance hadn’t helped. It was summer, my daughter was on vacation from school. My husband happily announced that he was going to have a long business trip to Germany to develop some kind of joint project, and he was even ready to take my daughter and me with the site. About two months somewhere. I refused, citing the fact that I had a major design project, but my daughter could go. The husband was upset. After seeing them off, I called Anatoly right there at the airport.
These two months we literally lived like husband and wife. I completely forgot that I even had a husband, a family, I even forgot about my daughter. She answered their calls and messages sluggishly. And literally a week before they were supposed to return, I felt the first signs. After all, in Lately Tolya and I didn’t even take protection. I secretly took a test and the result was positive. This is Anatoly's child, not her husband's. My legs just gave way. I decided not to say anything to anyone for now, Tolya said that I needed to go home, tidy up and prepare for the meeting of my husband and daughter. He understood me, I said that I would make a decision in the near future. My first thought was to have an abortion and break off relations with Anatoly, then I remembered that Dima had spoken more than once about a second child, but I kept dragging on the site. Then I thought about giving Tolya’s child to her husband as his own, but how could she then live with that? I wanted to give up everything and run away from both of them, I had a breakdown and almost had a miscarriage. My husband and daughter arrived. When I looked at Dima, I realized that I was looking at him with completely different eyes, as at a stranger, at a stranger to me, and I realized that I no longer had the same feelings for my husband. No, I still loved him, but as just a person close to me, as a friend, as a brother, as a worthy father of my daughter. But those feelings that a woman experiences for a man fell asleep, lay at the bottom of my heart, and the rest of my heart was occupied by Anatoly, because under him I was carrying a child, his child - Tolya. I was at a loss and didn't know what to do. Still, she plucked up courage and confessed to Anatoly. Words cannot express how much delight and joy he had, he demanded to talk to his husband or he would talk to him like a man. But I didn’t even know where to start the conversation, there was simply no reason, I became irritable, snapped at Dima and my daughter over trifles, got confused, plus the pregnancy was taking its toll, which I hadn’t told Dima about yet.
I wasted time while I was thinking that it was too late to have an abortion, my belly was starting to grow, and the pregnancy was becoming more and more difficult to hide. I tried to talk to Dima several times, but something kept breaking down. And so I chose the moment and said: “Dima, we need to talk.” Then the words got stuck in my throat. But it was clear from his facial expression that he understood what the conversation would be about. “Speak! Don't know where to start? Do you want me to help you? It turned out that he knew everything. He knew, he suffered, he was tormented, but he was silent. I thought and hoped that I wasn’t serious about this, that I would come to my senses; I hoped to the last to save my family and love. He asked: “Do you know when I realized that I had lost you completely? When you refused to go with us to Germany, and I, as a death row inmate, was expecting this conversation. Well, I won’t hold you back by force, but I won’t give you my daughter. She’s all I have left, I ask you, don’t take away my last meaning in life.”
You can’t even imagine what was happening to me at that moment. I fell to my knees, asked him to forgive me, not to blame myself for anything, that I myself didn’t know why everything went wrong in our relationship, that he was not to blame for anything, said that I was unworthy of him, that I would pray that everything was good in his life. We talked with my daughter, she firmly decided to stay with her father, and this is not even discussed, I also decided that Irishka would be better off with her dad. Both took off the rings, I went into another room and dialed Anatoly, he said that he had sent a car, the driver would help load my things. To this day I remember the tear on my husband’s face and my daughter’s angry look when they saw me off, she got into the car and burst into tears. We were quickly divorced; the daughter’s place of residence was assigned to her father, taking into account the wishes of both spouses and the child.
Tolya and I got married, the wedding was modest, only close relatives and some work colleagues, my parents loved Dima very much and did not even send congratulations. Our son was born, a wonderful boy, they named him Sasha. Occasionally I saw my daughter, she seemed to come to serve her military service, and with all her appearance she showed that I was unpleasant to her. When I tried to make comments to her, I snapped at her, although I know that Dima is not the person who will turn his daughter against me. Life with Anatoly never worked out for us, and our family idyll lasted three years. No, don’t think about it, he is a nice person, he surrounded my son and me with care, he helped Dima, his ex-husband, make a leap in his career, he really has no idea at whose instigation. But we somehow burned out on each other, and again it’s about me. Perhaps what I felt for him was love, passion, admiration, affection, anything, but not love. I loved Dima, truly loved him, and if I had not become pregnant with Tolya, I would never have left him.
After the divorce, Anatoly bought me an apartment in a good prestigious area, furnished it tastefully, bought everything for it, assigned me and my son a decent salary, hired a housekeeper and nanny himself, and I went back to work, otherwise I would simply go crazy. I often think about Dima, about how despicably she treated him, both him and her daughter. Recently I asked Irishka how he was doing. “Is this so important to you?” - was the answer. She asked if she would like mom and dad to be together again? And then she began to become hysterical. She said that he was alone for two and a half years, practically turned into a vegetable, if not for his daughter, he either committed suicide or drank himself to death. That he has been dating a young girl for six months now, and they are planning a wedding. She said that Angela was like an older sister to her, that dad blossomed again, began to live, a joyful light appeared in his eyes, and that they would not allow them to ruin their lives again. She ran away. I found out everything about that girl - some kind of student, she works part-time at Dima’s company. I know that he will not be happy with her, that he still loves me. Every day I cursed myself more and more for doing this to Dima. The only thing that makes me not regret this is my son, Sasha, I love him very much. I really want to be with Dima again, so that he will accept me and my child.
Is it possible? Will he forgive me? Is it worth fighting for, and is there any point in restoring the family or is there no need to bother? Will my daughter be able to forgive me? Advise me. This girl doesn't love him, she only uses him. Please, I didn’t write the story to be judged, I myself know that I made a lot of mistakes, I destroyed everything myself. Please advise how to approach Dima and how to start a conversation
Hello friends! In this article I want to tell you about how to get your ex-husband back without resorting to violence) That is. your loved one will ask you to return to him. Want to know how?
Of course you want! So...
He slammed the door and went on a free swim, leaving you with nothing? It’s bitter and hard, but you shouldn’t think that life ends there.
How to behave in order to return your sweetheart?
Let's talk about the reasons for the divorce, about your desire to get him back, look at the mistakes and look at tips for restoring the relationship.
Each of us gets used to our chosen one.
Now you are free. It seems that there is no need to defend one’s innocence, there is no need to collect dirty socks all over the house and carry responsibility for two people - but my soul is empty than ever.
Or another situation: you were afraid of every quarrel and now you wake up alone. You howl in anguish, go to fortune tellers, call him and spy on his page on social network. Even if he often beat you up or, worse, slowly destroyed your self-esteem.
In the first case, you are held back by the habit of the previous arrangement of life. You remember previous moments that, if not ideal, were certainly stable. Are you scared to start over from scratch?
In the second option, you should think about whether your feelings are love addiction? This state can be understood as love, but it is not fully love.
In this case, you need to visit a good psychologist to understand yourself.
Children are a separate matter. It is difficult to let go even of an unloved person if you have a child.
Is it worth keeping the past?
Indeed, is it necessary to return your husband? Are there significant reasons for this?
Remember the reasons for your disagreements
- Maybe the roads diverged long ago, and a break was the only acceptable option?
- Or did aggression flare up between you every now and then?
- Your option (reason) for divorce
Don't try to answer this question right now. Give yourself time to weigh the pros and cons so as not to follow impulses that could be destructive.
First, you must understand that sadness and loneliness are completely normal feelings after loss. Don’t give up on these states, but also allow yourself to doubt the advisability of restoring the connection.
So. Your action plan.
How to get your loved one back after divorce?
If you accepted final decision, listen to the recommendations below.
- Understand yourself
First, calmly analyze your marriage. Evaluate all events thoughtfully, without offense or accusations: you need to find the exact reason for the separation.
To do this, remember what specifically irritated your husband, try to patch up the annoying gaps. This way you will learn to avoid painful issues or completely eliminate them.
As a final touch, assess how much you are willing to change in order to reunite with your boyfriend. If this requires giving up desires, aspirations and worldview, perhaps he is just a stranger.
- If the initiative is yours
What to do if it’s not you who’s been abandoned, but you yourself? Try to get your partner to talk. Just don’t try to do this intrusively - it’s better to schedule a meeting on neutral territory, where you can dot all the i’s.
Moreover, wait at least a week for his resentment to dull. Surely he has thought about how he will rebuff you.
The conversation should be calm and unobtrusive. Remember that annoyingness is an unspoken sense of possessiveness that will play a bad joke on you.
Listen to him, don’t interrupt and don’t try to prove that you’re right. Accept his point of view, then express yours in a supportive tone. It is possible that you will be able to forgive each other and start over.
- If you have a mistress
Perhaps this is the most difficult situation for an abandoned wife - if he already has another one. First of all, no matter how painful it is, recognize his right to freedom. As well as yours: let them know that you are not going to become an alternate airfield.
The best place to start is with a conversation. Let your ex-husband understand that you just want to fully understand the negative aspects of marriage. I hope you know that blackmail and begging will only drive you further away from each other.
The new passion cannot be criticized. You should not directly lead your ex away from your mistress.
It is best to pretend that you calmly accept this fact, and in general the world has not converged on her like a wedge. At the same time, do not pretend to be her role: hint at noble, friendly relations.
Invite him to joint events: walks with children, spending time with relatives, etc. Such a warm and neutral attitude will make him think about the correctness of his action.
But don't forget about yourself! A man is not the meaning of your life. In your free time, engage in hobbies, surround yourself with fans and emphasize in every possible way.
- Lack of feelings
You don't have to wait for him to leave. Even if he doesn’t want you as a woman, this is a wake-up call.
Unfortunately, one thing can be said here: you cannot return feelings by force. Especially if the young man got married and left for another family.
It is necessary to bring your husband to a frank conversation. Having understood each other, disperse without unnecessary complaints and insults.
Sometimes it takes time to understand love. Give it to your lover. And take care of yourself: become the one to whom he once proposed.
He himself will ask you to come back
I am sure that this course can significantly help in your business. And, most likely, your ex will come running to your house.
Conclusion
Human relationships are complex and multifaceted. We forget how dear we are to each other, and then we think about how to return love.
It's not too late to meet your loved one halfway to restore the relationship. Or at least understand the thoughts of those with whom you shared life and feelings, let them go without hatred and empty hope.
Maybe start over with a new leaf. But this is a completely different story, and in order not to miss it, subscribe to new blog articles. Just below there are social buttons. networks and for someone (including me) it will be very useful if you click on them. Thank you)
Love and take care of each other!
Always with you, Sasha Bogdanova
