We are friends with Leroy for a long time, since the times kindergarten, then in the same class studied. So all these stories occurred in my eyes.
I will start in order. Lera has always been, on the one hand, a very open, kind and honest girl, but also his offense did not give anyone, had a feeling of self-esteem. Peers and teachers loved her very much. But in the family the relationship was not very well. Grandmother Vera in the Leray of the soul did not chase, she was her first, a senior granddaughter. But the aunt (Aunt Katya), for some reason, from his very childhood, Lero did not believe and always tried to humiliate her in every way and familiar, even before his daughters Julia and Dasha.
The fact is that the aunt Katya and sister is his own - aunt of anyone (Lerina Mama) has always considered himself below the status - it even purely trembling it. Aunt Lyuba worked as a simple librarian with a 10-year-old education, and Aunt Katya graduated from the university and then worked. The head of the department at one of the Gorky plants, and in the future he was stuck in the superiors. Leray always did not like the behavior of her aunt, its snobbery, arrogance and categoricality. Because of this, there were often clashes between the niece and aunt. But it is known that in adolescence, people react to such things especially acute. Here and Lera, when she turned 15 years old, began to express aunt of Kate his indignation, about her attitude towards himself and his mother ...
However, with cousins \u200b\u200b(Julia, Junior Lera on 6, and Dasha for 10 years), in childhood, her relationship was normal ....
But this is only a brief pretext of everything that happened next ...
When Lera got married, her grandmother faith decided to make her a wedding gift - to register her in her apartment. Aunt Vera very much wanted the elder granddaughter then inherited her apartment to her husband and her home, where they would grow their children. It was back in 1988, when grandson and children registered in the apartment had the right inheritance ...
But other times have come. Moreover, the aunt Vera by then she has already died ... And Lerina aunt was very angry with the fact that the apartment would get to Lerke, and not her daughters, apparently the niece, in her opinion, did not come out, they did not reach, they are more worthy! She began to put on her sister to anyone that Lera and Grandfather Peya Apartment privatize and issued the ownership of him. It was 1993, when privatization was just born and few people still understood in all legal intricacies of this procedure.
But it turned out that the apartment was privatized in equal shares, which meant that everyone was the owner of one second, that is, not exactly how the aunt Katya counted. After all, she hoped that in this case, the grandfather would write the will on her and the apartment would depart it to her children (as she wanted it). It happened not intentionally. Just when the grandfather came to the granddaughter to privatize the apartment they were asked the question: "Would you like to privatize in equal shares?" Logic suggested both that everything should be exactly the way ...
But in this, apparently, too, there was some kind of God's fishery ....
In general, Aunt Katya was very angry for his grandfather, that he did, and even more on Lero, because she is always like a bone in her throat!
Lera then already understood what her aunt counted on. But the grandmother faith did everything from clean Heart, she wanted to leave an apartment with his beloved granddaughter in memory of himself!
With our girlfriend there were a lot of conversations about this. In general, Lera was in a two-way position - on the one hand, she very much treated the will of his grandmother to make her heiress, and on the other hand she was not convenient to his cousins. Therefore, she believed that in this situation we need to look for some reasonable compromise. I advised her to talk first with my mother that she would advise her to this score.
Aunt Lyuba asked her daughter while this topic was not lifted before relatives, because at that time Grandfather Petya was still alive. And Lera with this completely agreed - right, with a living legitimate owner, such conversations are extremely not ethical. Time will show and judge.
But here, from the Aunt Kati, not quite adequate actions began: she began to drip on his sister's sister, that Lera, they say, does not help her grandfather, and he claims his apartment. She began to atigar her daughter, Julia walk to her grandfather to get out. But Lera always did it as far as possible and never refused. Then she had already started to say that Lera is very tricky and go to her grandfather so that he would unsubscribe to her. Lerka and thought was not in the head. On the contrary, I wanted everything to be honestly, because in the end she is the official owner of ½ part of this apartment and it is already only her (let it be fulfilled in this will of the grandmother), and after the death of the grandfather, the apartment will be sold and divided the money Honestly, even if so.
Aunt Katya began to venture a grandfather so that he complains about his health and asked Leru with her husband to live with him. Grandfather, according to the simplicity of the soulful, did it (I did not understand that it was only an intrigue of his very enterprising daughter). Lera agreed and said that they and her husband would soon move. But the aunt Katya, no longer thinking, settled by him, clarifying that she just went to the institute and she needed to do a lot. And what, in fact, she lacked in the parent 3-room apartment, where they had their own 13-meter room with Dashka, where each had his desktop?! As far as I know, Dashka did not drive home noisy companies, and herself herself began to think about admission to the institute and worked very much. So I do not know what she could prevent Julia.
The most important aunt did all this behind the niece. She didn't like it, and she shared his indignation with his mother. Aunt Lyuba, wanting to smooth sharp corners, said that it was not for a long time, albeit Julia will turn into studies. And Aunt Katya seemed to change to Lera. He began to talk to her friendly, make presentations. Lera just did not want scandals, although she saw everything perfectly ...
But one day it happened so that the grandfather fell into the hospital for the operation. Aunt Katya, no longer thinking, hinted her sister to anyone that now he needs a constant care, it will not be done by Julia, because she needs to learn. What aunt Lyuba told her that they and her husband (Uncle Vitea) would take grandfather to themselves. So they did. And in the grandfather, the apartment suddenly began to start tenants, again, without putting anyone about it.
Lero has already been outraged it very much and she very much wanted to talk about it with everyone - with aunt, with grandfather, with mom and from Yulya in an open, but Mom insisted, so that she did not do this, because in addition to the scandal, nothing will come of it. Lera and herself was never fooling and understood that it could easily reach it, but at the same time it was necessary to somehow destroy the situation. Then the aunt Lyuba promised her to settle everything herself. And how not to believe your mother?
But this all did not end. The aunt Katya also persuaded his grandfather to sign the gift on his half to Julia. Having learned this lera even considered that it would be better and they would find a compromise solution with my sister. However, Aunt Katya continued to start tenants, and the grandfather still lived in Aunt Lyuba (but this is also okay, after all the daughter lived!).
In 2006, his grandfather Petya died. In the same year, Julia got married ...
I remember the spring Lerrka came running to me all the bored. It turned out that again, Julia, Julia, with her husband, with her husband, felt in the grandfather's apartment. Lera was no longer restrained and expressed all his insults on this occasion to Mom, and the aunt at that moment was just from her and heard everything. Here it immediately became clear its true attitude towards the sister and niece. Aunt Lyuba told her that Lera was the owner of half and could also claim his share. What aunt Katya said: "I also, a contender, damn !!! Won 10 thousand to throw it and enough with it !!! ".
I, of course, understand that housing problem very scrupulous thing, especially in our modern world. But after all, relatives somehow need to look for a compromise among themselves, because these are native people! Is it really better to pull out pieces of mouth with each other than quietly and peacefully solve everything?! After all, Lera from the very beginning was precisely for it! And at that time, it was still possible to have something to get from the sale of a 2-room Khrushchev and it is beneficial to invest your money into another real estate. Why do relatives believe that they are in the right to solve their problems at the expense of other, less significant relatives for them?! I myself for a long time I had to work in the real estate and I have already seen enough of this stories! ...
In general, one way or another, and Yule had to seriously talk to Leroy. Yes, like Yulke did not want to especially spoil relations with a cousin. They decided that Lera will take his half in monetary terms, but at the same time (as if between the lines) it was said that the aunt Kati had no such money.
But Lera knew that Husband Yulia, Volodya, being an entrepreneur (and pretty at that time successful) can afford to buy ½ apartments. But he was going to buy her on himself. Okay. In the end, they are husband and wife. Lerka (a kind soul!) Also also a week half of the cost almost 2 times - sister is still Yulka! It was agreed to give parts, the receipt was written.
And then these crumbs had to scatter literally claws. Alveov is one excuse - there is no money yet. And what would a loan, at least not try to take?! In general, the relationship with the sister from Lera, because of this, greatly spoiled. And then it happened so that Yulia, with Vovka, did not work out - they dreamed and Julia remained with 2 daughters on her arms and alimony from her husband. He himself lives with another woman. Julia now can not forgive the Leret of his crumpled life.
But is Lera in this guilty? After all, she always wanted the situation with the grandmother's apartment to be honest, so that no one disappoints.
Looking at all this and do not know who is to blame, who is right in such a situation. After all, after the collapse of the USSR in our society, everything turned upside down literally from her legs. All that was previously considered not challenging, was questioned. For example, if earlier it was taken to respect the opinion of the elders, now they respect the opinion of those who have succeeded in life - in business, in politics, in a career, etc. The main position of money and position in society. Such a back plan important qualitiesas kindness, compassion and selflessness. More and more often it became a sluggish phrase: "These are your problems!".
So Lerina has a story now, from the position of this time you can interpret in different ways. Who is the victim here? Yes, probably, everything is small. But only a pity that because of the apartment disagreements, the relationship between the relatives ...
To be honest, then I believe that if in society the score rules the "Golden Taurus" and purely material benefit, then nothing good is not waiting for society. That is why now there are many such sad stories when relatives - it would seem close people to get each other with worst enemies offended by each other for the rest of his life.
Raybear Zalesskaya
One of the brightest systemic family psychotherapists of the twentieth century - Murray Bowen, like most other family (and not only) psychologists believed that the human life directly depends on the conditions in which he grew. In other words, child-parent relations are the foundation of the entire subsequent life of a person.
Today I thought a lot about one of the concepts of Bowen's theory, namely about the concept emotional break.
The fact is that until recently, I could not understand the reasons for the features of some people - to tear the relationship once and always. I did not understand why someone needs to be removed from the field of view everything that somehow can remind you of "expelled" from his life. I did not understand what to tear the chains of contacts connecting with the "expelled". And it was very difficult for me to understand the sacrifice of people whose statements express approximately this meaning: "For the sake of you, I do not communicate with anyone from last LifeI deleted everyone from my memory. "Probably few people want to get into the very list of" remote from memory ". And getting into it, many begin to seek reasons for themselves and blame themselves in poorness.
Acquaintance with Bowen theory allows you to get answers to questions why
This happens. Namely:
"The child is trying to implement an emotional gap by distantation - geographical and / or psychological - with the help of the illusion of" freedom "from family ties. He is trying to become a" sliced \u200b\u200bchopping ". But this is not a genuine branch: children's relationship remain unfinished, they are only suppressed. Internal emotional Life is still filled with them, and it is natural that the child will reproduce them in new close relations. Therefore, anxiety can be paired with proximity, and then a person will build his life so as to avoid proximity. Thus, an emotional break is not a problem , and a sign of its presence.
... The most often the cause of the emotional break becomes the inability to meet the expectations of the other. So it happens with children, which, having idealized ideas about their parents, feel the feeling of guilt, which was not "worthy" son / daughter. "
Thus, when we meet people, "burning bridges" at the increase in conflict and raising the level of stress, we can safely believe that most of them could not be able to separate from the parent figures during some reasons. Unable to build relationships with parents, interacting with them through their true Ya.
But if you go even deeper, you can see that this behavior model is often transmitted from generation to generation. If in the above you learned yourself or someone from your friends, try to remember, perhaps in this family system there are relatives who completely stopped communicating with each other due to some (explicit or hidden) conflict. Or there is a strangement agreement not to mention concrete personAs if it does not exist, or even consider him at all. It can also be family members living on one territory, but not related (as they may seem) nothing but life. Or systematically quarreled, family members ignoring each other for a long time.
Bowen believed that "the desire to be someone who is not really in order to avoid tension in relationships, leads to an emotional discontinuity." Therefore, for loved ones, it is very important that people imagine themselves with another as they are. But it is important not only to be yourself, it is also important to be able to take another as it is, not trying to fix and not hoping that he will change.
Ecology of life: When the emotional gap and alienation in the family becomes the norm. In the perfect picture of the world on weekends, vacation ...
In the perfect picture of the world on weekends, holidays and holidays in one huge, even preferably a round table, parents, children, grandchildren, brothers and sisters are gathering and listening to each other's successes. In an ideal picture. But not real.
Over the past five years, researchers have increasingly be paid to the new phenomenon - emotional gap and alienation in the family . And, in their opinion, there is nothing unusual.
In truth,alienation comes to replace negative relationship Although it is often interpreted incorrectly. But as people start sharing their stories, it becomes clear that this phenomenon is a place.
It is naive to believe that the relationship between parents and children is eternal, - It is also naive as believing that everyone on this planet has half, with which he will live long and happily until the end of his days.
Goodbye relative!
Myth 1. Alienation occurs suddenly
In fact, it is a long process, and not some phenomenon that occurs overnight. The relations of children and parents are destroyed over time, and not in one day.
Kylie Aglias, Australian, who wrote a book "Family alienation" in 2006, found that there may be whole decades. Accumulated insults and pain undermine the confidence of a person.
The study of Dr. Christina Sharpe from Utah University, published last year, demonstrated that adult children are distant from parents in different ways:
- some are just leaving;
- others do not try to justify expectations As, for example, a 48-year-old woman who did not communicate with his father and refused to come to him to the hospital and on the funeral;
- third decide to reduce communication to a minimum. For example, another survey participant, 47-year-old Nicholas Mak, 10 years ago began to move away from his parents, brothers and sisters. Especially complex relations He had with his father, because of which family and festive dinners seemed torture. Over time, Mc has ceased to go home for the holidays, and his father stated that he did not consider him more than his son.
Myth 2. Alienation - rarity
Another study of 2014, which was attended by 2,000 Britons, showed that 8% of the respondents stopped any communication with their families, and 19% of them reported that other members of their families acted.
Myth 3. There are clear reasons why people become one to each other
Different factors affect the occurrence of alienation.
In 2015, Dr. Aglias conducted a study among 25 parents from Australia. Their children ceased to communicate with their family. Why?
Aglias allocated three main categories of causes.
1. In one case, the son or daughter had to choose, with whom to communicate, father or mother.
2. In the other - children and parents did not coincide with the values, and the first were considered that they were punished with their fathers and mothers.
3. Also, the survey participants noted such factors as domestic violence, divorce, health problems.
One woman told Dr. Aglias that he stopped communicating with her son and the daughter-in-law after one family dinner. She asked the daughter-in-law to bring a special dessert, and she baked ordinary pie. The mother-in-law counted such an act with a sign of complete disrespect.
True, it was rather a trigger. As agglias managed to find out, this woman believed that her daughter-in-law carefully cares about her son and does not give her to see his grandchildren.
Myth 4. Alienation occurs at will
In the same study, 26 polled adults called three main reasons why they stopped communicating with their parents:
- violence (both psychological and sexual),
- betrayal (dragging secrets, for example),
- methods of education (Some parents were inclined to constantly criticize children, shake them or make scapegoats from them).
Often these reasons were not mutually exclusive, but crossed.
Nicholas Mac, for example, said that parents constantly left him a nurse with his younger brother and sister. As a result, he decided not to have his own children.
In 2014, he married a girl with whom he met for a long time. They planned to sign in the city hall.
Poppy thought whether he should invite his family, because his brother was married earlier. His wedding was traditional, with wedding and other attributes. But at the celebration, Poppy's father did not give him a congratulatory speech.
Nicholas experienced that something like his father will satisfy this time, so I decided that he did not want to see his relatives at such an important event.
The fact that their son married, Poppy's parents found out on Facebook. One of the brothers told Nicholas, which was very offended by such a decision. And his sister and father gave clearly to understand that they no longer want to communicate with him.
Communication with Popper supports his second brother, mostly they communicate in the messenger, but they prefer not to remember about relatives. published. If you have any questions about this topic, ask them to specialists and readers of our project .
P.S. And remember, just changing your consciousness - we will change the world together! © Econet.
Valentine often can't fall asleep at night, thinking about the only brother with whom they quarreled seven years ago and have never seen any times. She tried to bring bridges, but brother and hear does not want to reconcile.
The worst thing is that the quarrel happened the day after the funeral of the mother. They cared for a sick mother in turn, and it turned out that mom died on his brother's hands. She then seemed that, if she was next to her mother, this would not happen that the brother missed the moment when it was necessary to call a doctor. From the grief, she did not understand what he said, or rather, screamed in the back of the outgoing native man.
How could she blame brother in the death of the mother? After all, he loved her mother no less than she. Brother left his home home without saying a word, and they met with him only once at a lawyer when she had to sign documents about inheritance. Brother silently silent again, took his copy of the documents, got into the car and left. She did not even have time to tell him.
How many people in the world who have become strangers in the world ... What are the reasons for this phenomenon?
I have already called one of the reasons: the careless accusation is that the person did not commit. This is a resentment that penetrates deep in the heart, and it is almost impossible to part. Even if the native people are lazy, then this reconciliation is superficial, not deep, not real. There is no longer the warmth and sincerity in relations that were to a quarrel. Torn thread, which always binds native people, and even if it is re-tied, then, as you know, any nodule can unlease.
Very often cause rupture relative relations There is an inheritance left by his parents. Did not share the house, the car, cup spoons. It seems to someone that it was him that he got the smallest share, and here is already preparing a lawsuit against brother or sister. After the trial, native people most often diverge in different directions, and after that each of them suffers alone. Well, if it is possible to ask for forgiveness from each other before death.
Another reason when native people become strangers, is envy. Envy a more successful, more proper, more respected, etc. The reason for the envy can even become such a trifle as the purchase of a car, and any other thing. Very often relatives are offended at those who, in their opinion, can significantly help financially more needy near man. But to be offended by this - the biggest stupidity, because a man of insult can only pour out, but will never make it turn around.
And the last thing that, in my opinion, gives people away from each other. This is the inability to take a person as it is. People begin to demand from native man To do as they consider the right and correct. If there is no understanding in this matter, then there is a break of relationships. Mother quarreled with her son because he married the one that she didn't like her. The daughter does not communicate with his parents, because they did not understand her hobbies.
What is waiting for the former native people after the gap of the kindred relations? Pain, exhausting pain that soul corrosive, reduces days and even years of our stay on earth. It is necessary to be tolerant to each other, love relatives, while they are alive, and then your native person will never be a stranger for you.
We love animals: play with them, observe, comb fluffy fur. And you don't need to be a genius to understand how great the abyss between us, people, and beasts. We are not better and no worse, but simply made from another test. Why did a person become a man at what point did it happen? Although we also need food and blood, but we have a lot of things think about life, why he lives.
In addition, people have aspirations, desires, put goals, try to achieve them. And why do people do not like each other so much if everyone has some roots? Someone is a smart one, someone is beautiful, and someone is deprived of that and the other. How to become happy and do not miss your chance in this life? Let's talk about this in this article.
Oh, these people!
We, perhaps, never know the answer to the question of why a person has become a man. According to Darwin's theory about evolution, we have come from monkeys. But why did it happen? Imagine the following: Even if the monkey is modified, it will become open and play, will she think?
Will we want to wish wealth and success to yourself, evil enemies, and health and happiness - relatives? People differ from others living on earth the creatures that they know how to think, work, set goals and strive for their achievement. However, here they differ among themselves: some think a lot, others do not work, someone works, and someone tune. People differ not only from animals, but also from each other, and so much that sometimes it seems that they appeared completely differently. But is it really not like relatives really?
About goal and destination
One of the most important properties that is related to all people on Earth is that for what we exist.
It doesn't matter in which God you believe and believe whether at all, you probably thought you at least once about the meaning of your life. Why were you born, what should I do and what to strive for? Certainly not to work all his life on boring work and engage in uninteresting things. And not to save and then die one day and not pick up anything with you. But why then?
It is for this that we live - to find meaning. It does not matter whether there will be an insight or not, whether it will be a clearly formulated thought or just a feeling. Obtaining life experience, the experience of various feelings is that everything happens for anything. Why did the man become a man and realized himself? In order to improve, receive new knowledge about the world and become more wiser and conscious. And in which family you were born, as you look like, what we have a tendency is just conventions. Live, do what you like, communicate with those who are close and dear to you and you fulfill your destination.
Why are we different, but still together?
And who said that we are people, different? We are accustomed to opposing themselves to others, assume that we are vary.
Learn to accept
In fact, we all develop. Each person changes throughout life. And do not believe those who approve the opposite. It is for this reason that people "become strangers." That is, your close friend did not become a stranger, just as a result of natural changes you can't or do not want to know in the new personality of the previous person. Believe that no one can become a stranger to you. But not always the changes taking place with someone we like, and we are not always ready to accept them. From here - rejection and rejection. How to be in this case? There are only two options - to accept or not. Either you are humble with inevitable changes and recognize a new person, realizing that he is no worse than your old familiar, or the same communication comes down on "no".
