Good day, dear guys and girls, men and women! Why did I emphasize you all? Because we will talk about building relationships that both enter into. And now I’ll say something that at first glance seems paradoxical, but if you understand more deeply the mechanisms of joy and happiness, then it is extremely clear. The fact that you need to fight for your happiness is believed mainly by people unhappy in love. Why is this happening?
Targets are dead, people are alive
It is believed that if you like a person, you should definitely pursue him. About the same as any goal (for example, to increase sales). The problem is that the person with whom you “fell in love” has his own slightly different view of the world, and you may fit into it, or you may not be there. And in the first case, it’s a matter of small things - to start communication, not to lose face and maintain the relationship (he or she will contribute to this). In the second option, you can even fight like a fish against ice, but the “object of love” will remain indifferent, or even dislike you for your importunity. IN best case scenario he or she will simply treat you well, without considering you as an object for Serious relationships.
That is, in both cases, fighting for happiness does not make much sense. You may object: “How can you not fight for your loved one when competitors flock to him like vultures?” If he or she, despite the abundance of attention from the opposite sex, remains faithful to you, then these rivals are not scary. The worst they can do is frame-ups, falsifications and possible slander. But if you are able to build a trusting relationship, then your beloved/your beloved will believe you rather than them.
The trick of happiness
Now let’s move on to why even when meeting your loved one, you may not remain very happy. The point is an internal censor who always wants some kind of ideal relationship according to a strictly defined format, without accepting what exists in reality.
A person's maximum happiness occurs when he lives in complete acceptance of what happens to him. The state of struggle comes precisely from non-acceptance of what exists and attempts to fit life into some format. And the tension from the constant need to fight for something greatly overpowers the energy (about it - the article “Two Sources of Your Energy”), and also makes you such a “beech”, and in worse cases, an embittered or vile person. Or it just makes you depressed.
But there is another point that greatly overshadows the pleasure of a relationship even with a loved one. It consists in the fact that you draw some pictures (that is, fall in love with an ideal), and meet with someone real person, who, just like others, grumbles, goes to the toilet, exudes bad smell from the mouth in the morning J.
It follows that one must not fight for happiness, but understand the principles of its formation. This topic is very broad, since you can be happy from work, from a pleasant hobby, from realizing your talents, from relationships, from communicating with your circle of friends, and even from your own breath. Therefore, here we will briefly consider the false paths to happiness and the correct strategies for building happy relationship.
Harmful quotes
There are countless statuses about love and relationships, and looking at them, it becomes clear why their adherents are so unhappy. I divide them into several categories:
- glorifying jealousy, aggression and malice. Recently I came across this phrase on one girl’s Instagram: “I stab your whores with a knife *****” (the obscenity is covered with asterisks). No comments here
- glorifying unnatural ideals. The clearest example such a quote: “With one person, and for life - that’s what I want.” Honestly, I have nothing against this format, if this format of relationship is easy and without stress. But a study by psychologists in America (people were asked “Are you ready to have sex with just one person for the rest of your life, regardless of anyone else”) showed that 100% of respondents from more than 3 thousand men and 3 thousand women are not ready belong to only one person.
- shifting responsibility onto someone else. For example: “If you start to miss me, remember that it was not I who left, but you who let me go.” That is, it is assumed that the author of the quote is a kind of lamb on a string for which the shepherd is responsible.
- promoting prison-type relationships, for example: “Don’t give anyone the person you’re happy with.” Here I immediately want to substitute: “Don’t give anyone a car that’s comfortable.” A person is not a car that can be given or taken away, because... he has his own will. And if you know how to maintain a good relationship with him, then he will not leave on his own. Of course, he can go over to someone who “lured” him away from you by cunning. Usually in such cases, the lure cannot always pretend to be ideal partner, because sooner or later the inside comes out. And at such moments, the person who left feels that he was simply deceived, after which he usually tries to restore the relationship again. And the only thing that matters is to be able to forgive (although for me, if everything is fine with your spouse/wife, then such a mistake can be forgiven; this will make “the crown not fall off your head”).
By adhering to the approach promoted by the above phrases, you can quickly ruin your relationship with the opposite sex.
There are several more common and incorrect stereotypes that seriously interfere with building happiness. For example:
- she is much older than me/he is much younger than me.
- We are on different social ladders. Examples of celebrity couples in which someone is much older or wealthier show that it is possible to build normal relationships even with a difference in age and social status.
- either immediately forever, or the relationship does not make sense. Movies often show that people who fall in love at first sight stay with each other for life. In reality, a couple needs some time to understand whether they are suitable for each other or not. But even if feelings have hopelessly cooled down after 2-3 years of relationship, this is not a reason to be upset, because while they were burning, you were happy. And who said that this is bad?
Lev Landau's theory of happiness
The famous physicist Lev Landau lived with his wife for 22 years (until his death). happy marriage, which shows quite well how truly good life can be in family relationships. Its main formula was a “non-aggression pact” on each other’s personal space. This meant a complete lack of jealous control between spouses and respectful communication.
What is respect? This is accepting that another person looks at life, thinks, feels completely differently, and is not obliged to obey any of your principles.
And the most important thing is the authenticity of feelings. If people feel good with each other, then they will be able to come to an agreement. But if there are no genuine feelings, but only mental constructs like “there is a relationship between us,” then sooner or later the union will fall apart, and there will be no happiness. By the way, this is why you shouldn’t date people who don’t like you (in an amorous context - you won’t have to wait for genuine feelings on their part, but satisfaction from the fact that he/she will quickly get along with you. To determine whether you really have feelings to a person, listen to the body - if it glows, plays, then there are feelings. If the body is silent, then they are not there, and now they cannot be.
In fact, these three components (non-aggression pact, respect and authenticity of experiences) are quite enough for a strong and happy relationship.
To summarize this article, I will say that you don’t need to fight for happiness, but build it. You need to strive to figure out what barriers are preventing this, and then get around them (one might say, this is a kind of struggle with yourself) in order to build your happy family.
I wish you a rich and vibrant relationship filled only with positive emotions!
See you soon (and don't forget to subscribe to the blog)!
Love has many shades and sides. It does not have one true manifestation or form. Whenever this bright feeling arises between two people, it is definitely different from what you experienced before, as well as from what may still await you after. There is a barely noticeable line between love and infatuation. Love arises between those who need it; everyone has different needs and love languages, therefore, everyone expresses the feeling of being in love in their own way. We are filled with it and confess it with trepidation in our voice, no matter how much this feeling differs from what we experienced before. Every love inspires and gives New World for the next victories.
If I had to describe love in one sentence, I would say this: “Love is something worth fighting for.” If you are ready to fight, ready to suffer and want to give yourself 100% to this feeling, then you really love. In life there is only one real love- this is the one for which you are ready to fight, and everything else is just a passing feeling of falling in love. If you have no desire to fight, then you don’t truly love.
Doesn't matter what we're talking about life goals or about the state of falling in love, if you don’t have the desire and strength to achieve something, if you’re afraid to get your hands dirty, or don’t want to leave your comfort zone in order to grab another chance to live differently, well in that case, apparently it hasn’t visited you yet Love. Moreover, if you don't want something passionately, then you don't deserve it. And no one has yet been able to refute this fact. This is a karmic connection of events and choices.
Each of us has different desires and aspirations. We often want more than we have this moment, and this formula concerns both the material side and attention and love. Humans are social gluttons. We need to be loved. We want to be taken care of. We dream of feeling safe at home. But true love is sometimes incompatible with our comfort zone. No one, I repeat once again, no one can live happy life without leaving your comfort zone. Look for a person who will get you out of it, because having met such a person, your life will become more bright colors and will be filled with incomparable emotions.
The question is, do you love the person enough to fight for them? If you are not sure that the struggle is worth it, then soon you will very soon become bored with this person. One of the main reasons why it is worth fighting for love is that love is all of life, everything else is just a background, one might say extras.
Falling in love, unfortunately, can “tire” you, and this is true. We get bored with people to whom we do not want to give all our attention, or rather about whom we do not want to take care 24/7. Of course, too long a period of fighting for our beloved can exhaust us, it’s like hard labor that simply has no end. But to create a strong relationship, you need to make efforts, devote time and give care, otherwise there will be no happy ending.
And now it's not just about finding someone worth fighting for in the near future; rather, it’s about finding love for the sake of which you will feel the need for this struggle. Any relationship needs work. Fighting for love does not always mean destroying someone else's life or sacrificing yourself in the name of love. Most often, this means making efforts to develop relationships, learning to hear the opinion of your lover every day, throughout your entire life together, learning to think about someone other than yourself. Love is not a state of war, but it is a battle that you will fight throughout your life. But life is long and at times very difficult. But the main rule for lovers is to never give up.
The only things that really matter to us in life are those for which we are willing to fight. Have you not yet decided what and who you want to see in your life? You don't understand what to do with the events around you? Are you unsure of what you should do next, where to go or who to be with? Remember, you are not alone. Many people in our world feel lost and sometimes do not understand what to do next - but this is normal. When for a long time in life everything is smooth and good, stability becomes a permanent state, but at some point of constant happiness it is difficult to find your place in the sun. This is not your fault; It's just how we were created. What we have is not enough for us.
We, people of the 21st century, are accustomed to surviving in extreme conditions, but the problem is that if we did not have to fight for something, we would never be able to understand what is worth fighting for and what is not. It’s not for nothing that they say: “You only appreciate when you lose.” Perhaps the struggle in its essence is purely animal in nature, but people, after all, descended from animals.
If you are not ready to fight, then I'm sorry, of course... but this person deserves a better future than his life together next to you.
Every man and every woman should meet a person who will love them so much that they will be ready to fight for their shared happiness every minute. If you have someone who is willing to fight for you, protect you, and even fight alongside you when necessary, well, that's where partnership begins. It seems to me that each of us literally has a ingrained desire to meet a companion who, if necessary, will fight for us. You don't have to fight with your fists.
You need to fight for patience, for understanding, you should plan your life together, be able to forgive each other and do everything possible and impossible to maintain their relationship.
If you are not ready to meet your love, then your partner deserves more. Yes, and you will not be able to develop in these relationships, and you also deserve to become better.
In my opinion, what you received is quite natural. I don’t think that your husband is rude because he is a redneck himself. Otherwise he would not have become your husband. Without justifying it in any way, nevertheless, you yourself provoked this situation. They set (consciously or subconsciously - another conversation) a high bar for him “what he must do to win your favor.” He "conquered" you. But it turned out that you don’t love him. Expectations were not met. It's a shame. This resentment results in irritation and even rudeness. I agree, I agreed myself, I jumped myself, and therefore, it seems, I shouldn’t be offended by anything. In theory. But in practice, this behavior of his means that he is still trying to somehow change the situation. IN better side. But now you are “raising the bar” again. Only in a negative sense. Now all his actions are counted against him.
But the whole point is that you simply don’t love him. And from the very beginning they didn’t like me. They just did things" loving woman"But form can rarely replace content. Then why continue this masochism further? You don’t get any pleasure for yourself from such a life. Neither does he. Then get a divorce. Believe me, it will be better for both of you.
And what “to fight for happiness or not” is an extremely controversial and ambiguous question. In my opinion, a woman who initially positions herself as “I won’t run after anyone, they should run after me” is worthy only of pity. Because from the very beginning it positions itself as a soulless thing. The door lock doesn't care who opens it. The main thing is that the key fits. By the way, as a rule, such people with such “high standards” are actually trying to disguise the lack of content. For it usually turns out that behind the external façade “there is nothing worthwhile.”
IMHO 04/06/2007 12:25:49, Leshy
Another question - WHY DID HE ACHIEVE HER????? Maybe she believed that he loved HER. And he was only trying to achieve a façade(((((No need to say that she was initially wrong - where was he at that time????? And, on the other hand, she loves someone else for many years until she achieves him , although it seems to her that she loves him. If she starts to achieve that first thing, where is the guarantee that he will not believe her, will meet her halfway, but it turns out that she, too, was only carried away by the façade, and did not have a thorough idea about the daily side-o - side of life with him. All these are theoretical arguments. In general, I am inclined to think that you can get along with any person, just take the first one you come across and live with him, only you must mutually follow the rules. And love is also a thing that, according to the rules you can play. So, IMHO, it’s all in the head. If you want happiness, make it better with the one next to you. Because if what’s in your head today, then everything will be the same with anyone else. You need to change your head, not men. IMHO)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) 04/06/2007 13:55:18, weterok
I understood everything except this:
How can I change the situation for the better without fulfilling any of the promises given to me, stopping working, etc.? He makes it worse, yes. And what kind of negative bar has I raised? For me, my bar in relation to my husband has dropped nowhere lower
04/06/2007 12:34:54, I won’t introduce myself
Pardon my cynicism, but, roughly speaking, an informal agreement was concluded between you. You positioned yourself as a smart, beautiful, sexy, gentle and caring woman, “who doesn’t agree to get along with just anyone.” Thus, you have outlined the rule for participating “in the tender” - you will go with the one who offers the most favorable conditions. He agreed to play by these rules. That's why he made "promises". He believed in them himself! The deal was done, you married him.
What do we have now?
1. Disappointment on your part - I deceived you and did not fulfill your promises. I do not like.
2. There is also disappointment on his part - she deceived her, charged an exorbitantly high price for literally nothing, because the devil is like someone else’s.
Those. If we talk about deception, then you both deceived each other. You encouraged him to give you more and more advances. So now there is no need to say that you have absolutely nothing to do with it, that he himself promised everything. Moreover, you promised him love, but you didn’t give it to him. And, formally, according to the terms of the agreement, he may not pay “for a service not provided.”
You see, in essence, you continue to step on the old rake. And he, in your opinion, should be happy that the woman married him, but instead of love, he only expresses dissatisfaction - where is the fulfillment of material promises? You are very wrong to think so.
Don't get me wrong, I don't blame you at all. I'm not God. Everyone goes their own way. I view the situation only from the position of personal comfort. True, in its broadest sense, including principles, morals and ethics. So, in order to raise the level of psychological comfort in your life, it is better for you to divorce this man. Not because he is bad and you are good, or vice versa. But only because the agreement itself is initially erroneous, and this error is systemic. 04/06/2007 12:49:21, Leshy
It is a rare person who can boast that his feelings for another were always mutual. As the song says: “We choose, we are chosen. How often this doesn’t coincide...” Each time there is such a discrepancy, painful questions arise: “What should I do? What is the right thing to do? Should I pursue the object of my love or should I retreat?”
Love is not a thing that can be discovered, then put in a drawer, locked with a key and kept for a long time. I guess, that mutual sympathy, attachment is something that is born from the constant efforts of everyone, actions aimed at another person, intended specifically for him. That is, a love relationship is not a static reality, but a process that is important to constantly maintain.
If we are talking about struggle, it means that there are obstacles. If the issue is with parents who, for one reason or another, are against your love, you should probably try to defend the right to yours. own feelings, while taking full responsibility for building future relationships and separation from the parental family.
The next obstacle may be everyday problems, such as: the distance between lovers, financial difficulties, housing, etc.. But, as you know, obstacles are just a ghost when it comes to Love. Otherwise, we should talk about a “balanced” approach to building future destiny, and this is a completely different topic...
Unrequited love: painful anticipation of a call, delight and torment from meetings, excitement, jealousy, tenderness, hope and despair. And the constant darkness of desire and inability to change anything. And I really want something to happen: either to bewitch him (her) forever, so that it doesn’t go anywhere, or to uproot this torment from my soul.
Of course, unrequited love is exhausting. Should I neglect my pride, begging for attention, earning favor, seeking reciprocity? Or leave with your head held high, relying on your self-esteem and pay for it by plunging into the abyss of despair? Unrequited love is like a trap from which no way out is good and it seems that nothing depends on you.
It happens that a person’s life turns into an endless struggle for an “object,” an exhausting race for “personal happiness,” which destroys all other connections, relationships, destroys the person himself, and drives him to complete despair.
Before you throw yourself headlong into the struggle for the “elusive” object of love, ask yourself: why is this person so important (needed, vital) to me, who doesn’t even look in my direction? What do I really want - recognition, respect, care from him, confirmation of my personal exclusivity? What will happen the moment I achieve what I want? How will it be for me? When you have honestly answered all the questions, it may turn out that the “struggle for personal happiness” is a struggle with... your own complexes, the desire to prove your worth and overcome obstacles...
The question is not whether to fight for your happiness or not; it is much more important to regain your inner freedom. And then it may turn out that unrequited love is an exciting, wonderful, life-giving experience, regardless of how your relationship develops. Or maybe it’s important to let go of what doesn’t work out, mourn this loss and look for your person, for whom you will become the most valuable, the closest. Or it may happen that, having stopped demanding from fate the immediate fulfillment of all your desires, you will be able to build a relationship with this person that is meaningful for both of you.
