Many people now, in the wake of interest in esotericism, say: “I want to always remain myself,” “I want to know the depths of my own “I”.” However, what does this mean? After all, when a person rejoices, experiences a feeling of happiness, or, conversely, gets angry or indignant, he still remains only himself and is not able to become anyone else. Thus, under the desire to know oneself lies the banal desire to always be satisfied with life, very happy and in harmony with the world around us.
But, firstly, everything simply cannot always be good according to the laws of the Universe. This is an illusion of reality. Secondly, with this attitude we seem to split ourselves into “good” (happy, cheerful, cheerful) and “bad” (offended, suffering, angry) halves. Even in childhood, we learn to cultivate the “good” part of ourselves and push the “bad” part into the depths of our souls, completely trying to forget about its existence. Our parents and teachers in every possible way approved and supported feelings and thoughts of a certain kind, while others were criticized, denied, and their manifestation was followed by punishment. Therefore, we have also learned to view “bad” emotions negatively. In addition, our subconscious fears and anxieties are often associated with them, which immediately “pop up” to the surface when trying to awaken “wrong” feelings, according to society. That is why we resist such self-knowledge in every possible way.
With the constant denial of our “bad” sides, their suppression, attempts to forget about them, on the contrary, they become stronger, sometimes turning into real monsters. Besides what we spend vital energy to fight with part of one’s “I”, this war with oneself always ends in defeat, since negative emotions will still break through the barrier of consciousness. This happens in the four most common ways:
1. A projection appears: suddenly we feel a subconscious hostility towards another person because of his behavior, way of thinking, even appearance. A very violent emotional reaction testifies to the practical embodiment of a similar principle: we instinctively reject that in those around us that lurks in the deepest corner of our soul.
2.Based on the principle of reflection. On this moment there is a theory according to which, than more people denies something, doesn’t want to have anything to do with him, the more the people around him feel it and, as in a mirror, they demonstrate exactly what we don’t like, unconsciously reflecting our “dark” side. For example, if we don’t like sloppiness and we cultivate cleanliness and order in every possible way, our loved ones may seem to deliberately create chaos and disorder. After all, no matter how we try to control and streamline our lives, there is always a part of us that intensely resists this, provoking those around us to such behavior.
3. Under the influence of drunk alcohol and severe stress, when self-control deteriorates. In such a state, all negative emotions, all bad thoughts, sometimes accumulated and suppressed in self-awareness, break out.
4. "Transfer", long known by fans of psychoanalysis. This phenomenon is especially pronounced in personal relationships. The closer a person is to us, the more bad traits and properties we discover in him. This is easily explained: a person begins to remind us of someone from childhood, and this is especially true for significant people such as parents. Therefore, all the suppressed negative feelings towards them (anger, anger, resentment, irritation), which we tabooed in our minds as children, simply fall in a flood on the person who is not their cause.
One thing is very well known effective exercise, which will help you identify repressed and taboo feelings and thoughts. To do this, on a piece of paper we write down the names of people to whom you would not even shake hands, who wildly infuriate you, irritate you, with whom you would not want anything to do. After that, write down the qualities of these individuals that evoke this attitude in you. So you get enough full list traits of the “shadow” side of your personality that you ignore in every possible way and try to destroy. This is what the outstanding psychologist G. Jung called the word “Shadow”.
It should be understood that we are not only ours positive traits and the good, kind feelings that we experience. And at the same time, we are not fairy-tale villains with a set of exclusively negative qualities and “angry” emotions. We are both, we contain within ourselves the entire set of properties that characterize the Universe. Therefore, we need to accept that we have everything in us, acknowledge it and treat the “sunny” and “gloomy” sides of our “Self” without excessive idealization or aggression. It is then that a person feels whole.
Psychologists are very helpful in realizing the integrity of your ego. They work with difficulties in perceiving themselves, analyze feelings and emerging situations. It is with the help of specialists that a person learns to distinguish problems caused by real situations from transferences and projections, lives them anew and transforms them into useful experience.
Fighting your feelings is a waste of time. They can be suppressed or, conversely, expressed uncontrollably, but this often leads to bad consequences. However, the most optimal way is to approve any of your emotions and at the same time feel them, listening to your feelings as much as possible, but not always expressing them outwardly. It is then that we become whole. At the same time, our “piggy bank of negativity” in the bins of the soul is not replenished, but even begins to slowly become empty.
Therefore, if you choose this path to yourself, try to at least occasionally perform two of these exercises: 
1. For approval and recognition of born feelings. As soon as you notice that some negative feeling has settled in your soul, to which you want to say a firm “no,” say mentally: “I allow myself to experience such a feeling,” “I recognize myself while experiencing this feeling,” “ I agree with this feeling." For example, “I allow myself to feel angry.” Your feelings will immediately change better side. Often this is quite enough.
2. To experience emotions. If the first exercise didn’t help enough, move on to it. Study your own anger: imagine what shape, color, size it has, whether it has a taste or smell, where exactly in your body it is nestled and - most importantly - what you want to do right now: hide, freeze, run away or show aggression and attack? After all, these are our basic innate instincts, and we can live either one of them or all four. If you want to run away, tell yourself: “I recognize myself with the instinct to run away,” “I say yes to myself when I want to run away,” “I recognize my right to escape.” Within a couple of minutes you will feel better.
Phrases from the exercises can be spoken either verbatim or paraphrased, the main thing is that they reflect agreement with oneself. Negative emotions go away for a long time after this. You can train anywhere (though it’s better not while driving a car), and with enough experience it will take no more than a couple of seconds. This is your discovery of the magical properties of your “I” - the path to self-knowledge and self-improvement.
Question for psychologists
Hello! I have this, I love one guy who is 4 years younger than me, he is the only child at home with us love relationship, we love each other, how many times have we tried to part with tears, but we can’t, I love him very much, I can’t understand myself, it’s the same with him, he’s going to get married, or rather, his parents are marrying him good girl, I’m divorced, I couldn’t even live with my husband, not even to live in my husband’s direction, I just thought about my poor boyfriend, he also, when I hear that his marriage is bad for me, I want to die rather than see him get married, I don’t want to let him go, what should I do? How to fight? Help me please!!!
Hello Aliya!
There is no need to fight feelings. Fight enemies. And feelings are our helpers and guides. They tell us where to go and what decisions to make. But this is provided that a person good contact with your feelings. And, apparently, your feelings are now in great turmoil and confusion. I recommend that you seek a personal consultation with a psychologist to sort out your feelings and sort everything out. Then you will find a solution.
Good luck! Svetlana.
Good answer 4 Bad answer 1Hello Aliya. You described your desires and feelings. What does your loved one feel and want? Only you can understand this situation and make a decision together. Talk to him, calming down as much as possible, about what you feel, think, want. Listen to him. Don't interrupt each other. Be patient if it’s difficult, because conversation can be decisive.
Good luck and the right decision for you!
Good answer 1 Bad answer 1 
Hello Aliya! I understand your anger, but what does your boyfriend say and want? Does he agree to get married? YOU didn’t write how old he is, but from everything it is clear that he is not quite an adult, if the decision on whom to marry is made for him by his parents. What is his position? If he loves you, then why is he going to marry someone else? After all, this is the 21st century, not the Middle Ages. If he is so dependent on his parents, then he will not be able to fight for his love. Then you will have to come to terms with it. What can you do? You write that you don’t want to let him go. Your desire does not change the situation in any way. He must decide everything himself. How can YOU fight? Tell his fiancee that he loves you? And he really loves you, are you sure of this? If so, let him take some steps himself. Talk to him frankly, find out what he can and cannot do in this situation. Then you will understand his position and can decide something. Good luck to you!
Good answer 3 Bad answer 0 
Hello Aliya!
Your desire to always be with your loved one is quite understandable, and you even decided to break off relations with your husband for the sake of your love, which deserves respect and indicates that you are an integral and straightforward person and cannot live a double life. But your young man is apparently different. He prefers to submit to the choices that others make for him, and this is his right, although, of course, strictly speaking, this is an indicator of his immaturity and infantility. But you cannot correct it, so, in my opinion, you can only accept the facts as they are. And if in the end he chooses not you, also accept it as it is. There is a lot of tragedy and exaltation in your description of your feelings, which, perhaps, creates difficulties for you to experience a situation when your partner does not choose you. If you change your attitude towards this to a more calm and philosophical one, you will find that love and relationships are not the whole of life, and it is quite possible to survive the loss of a relationship, even a very important and valuable one. All the best, Elena.
Good answer 4 Bad answer 1Hello Aliya! The fact that you are four years older than him and that he is the only one in the family is not decisive if two: He and She love each other and want to be and live together!!! Having decided on your role in relation to him, what you want in your relationship with him, tell him directly and openly: “I love you and want to live with you as a wife, and you?” Hear him and accept his answer adequately, whatever it may be, and then feelings will appear that it is important not to ignore, whatever they are, but to meet them and live in order to free yourself from them and live with what is there , where you are. It is very difficult to understand his relationship with his parents, because he cannot defend his right to live happily - not with a good girl, but with the one he loves; Or is it so beneficial for him to hide behind his parents by marrying one and keeping another as his mistress? Maybe there are other options..? It is important to sort this out not in a letter, but at a face-to-face meeting, and it is better if you come together, you can see and understand a lot. And stop slandering yourself!!! Not a single bad name addressed to you!!! You are worthy
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Anger is a very dangerous emotion. It’s as if a fiery dragon awakens within us, destroys everything around and flies away, leaving smoking ashes behind. If we give vent to our anger, we can pay for it with destroyed relationships, careers and even freedom (after all, many crimes are committed “in a state of passion”). If we keep it to ourselves, we can get a heart attack or stroke. Is there a right—and scientifically proven—way to deal with anger? 1
Bad Thought #1: Trying to Suppress Anger
You grit your teeth and tell yourself (or the person at whom your anger is directed), “It’s okay, I’m not angry.” The good news is that this method really works. In the sense that you do not lead the situation to a fight and a break in the relationship. However...
This almost always does not lead to anything good. Yes, you can bottle up your feelings and not appear angry. But if you try to fight your feelings, they will only get stronger.
Participants in the experiment were asked to remember an unpleasant incident in their life. At the same time, some of them were given instructions to try not to worry about him. Ultimately, people in this group only experienced more negative feelings—unlike the rest. In another study, patients suffering from panic disorders, had to listen to relaxation tapes (in one case) and audio books (in the other). In the first case, the patients' heart rate remained high, in the second it decreased.
What happens in the brain when you try to extinguish a fit of rage? A whole cascade negative reactions. Your ability to experience positive feelings decreases and negative feelings increase. And your amygdala (the part of the brain associated with emotions) begins to work with a vengeance.
There is also a paradoxical consequence: suppressing anger does not help us defuse the situation and reduce tension in relationships. But in fact, as research shows, such artificial restraint only worsens communication 2.
Experimental studies show that suppression of emotions leads to less goodwill on the part of communication partners, as well as to an increase in the level of blood pressure partners. Those who regularly engage in anger suppression report avoiding intimacy with others and having less positive relationships overall.
Finally, fighting our emotions uses up our willpower. As a result, your self-control weakens, which means it will be more difficult for you to restrain yourself next time. Perhaps you will lose your temper and be rude to the person who accidentally pushed you in the transport.
Bad Thought #2: Letting Out Your Anger
Some of you may say: “Of course, accumulating negativity in yourself is harmful and pointless! We need to let it come out!” Unfortunately, this is not a good idea either.
If you give vent to your anger, it will not go away. On the contrary, it will only intensify and devastate you 3.
Focusing on negative emotion, you will only give it strength and make it more difficult to resolve it. Ultimately, this can cause you to lose control of yourself.
Of course, sharing your experiences with others is important. But if you decide to take out all your resentment on them, it will snowball.
How to prevent a rush of anger from breaking out? Get distracted by something else.
How it works? It's all about the limited resources of our brain. As soon as we redirect our attention to another object, our previous concern decreases. Try to remember your multiplication tables and you'll soon find that you no longer want to punch that awkward waiter who knocked a cup of coffee all over your dress.
Good idea: change your attitude!
Your boss calls you and gives you a beating about the report you finally submitted the day before. You feel a wave of anger flow through your body. This is unfair, because you spent so much time and effort on the report. You are already preparing to tell this tyrant everything you think about him...
Wait. What if he himself was forced to fight with his own management all week to keep his employees paid? Or maybe he's on edge because of a difficult divorce? Or did a car hit his beloved dog?
You will probably feel your anger subside when you learn this. Now you will even sympathize with the poor guy...
Please note: the situation remains the same. The context in which you experience it has changed. How we evaluate what is happening depends on the position of our inner storyteller. He can compose a heartbreaking tragedy about a trip to a store where you, an innocent and beautiful hero, were overtaken by the rudeness of an insidious saleswoman. But we can tell the same story to ourselves as a sitcom - in the style of Monty Python.
How does this approach change the situation at the neuronal level? Research shows that when you change your assessment of a situation, your brain changes the emotions you feel. Your amygdala does not activate in the same way as it does when you suppress or vent emotions. And it affects everything - you stop wasting energy, improve your ability to self-control and generally feel better.
Individuals who are good at reappraisal are more likely to share their emotions, both positive and negative, with others and ultimately have closer relationships with friends and family.
Walter Mishel, self-control researcher and creator of the famous marshmallow test, explains the success of this technique this way:
“The effect of a stimulus depends on how we mentally represent it... The marshmallow tests convinced me that if people can change the mental representation of a stimulus, they will increase self-control and avoid the danger of becoming victims of emotional stimuli that try to control their behavior " 4 .
1 The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking (Faber & Faber, 2012).
2 Handbook of Emotion Regulation (The Guilford Press, 2013).
3 Handbook of Emotion Regulation (The Guilford Press, 2013).
4 Walter Mischel “Development of willpower. Lessons from the author of the famous marshmallow test" (Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, 2015).
