Ulyana has always been a beauty. She skillfully shot her eyes, flirted without being ashamed of herself. I even envied her to some extent, I was not like that in my youth. Ulya is a very interesting girl and the guys just followed her in a herd. But she turned everyone off and chose Stas. A nondescript, tall, thin, but very kind guy. I was happy for them and did not contradict my daughter's choice. She told me how wonderful he was, how he took care of her and was handsome in bed. We do not hide anything from each other as a real mother and daughter. Many mothers will condemn me, but condemn bags are not to be moved, so they can wash me at least all the bones.
When they got married, the daughter immediately insisted that they would have a child no earlier than in three years. She wanted to travel, live for herself and just enjoy youth and acceptable freedom. Stas supported her in almost everything except travel. He worked in the civil service in law enforcement agencies, and his service did not allow traveling abroad, and Ulyana did not want to travel around Russia, only once they went to Lake Baikal, and after that my daughter herself and with me went abroad on vacation. Pure angel! He trusted her unconditionally, said that someone like Ulya would never cheat or deceive. But still waters run deep, and my daughter did not want to miss the chance. On vacation, she often started a resort romance with a foreigner, even without knowing the language and disappeared for several days, and then returned fresh, rested and happy.
I do not judge her. It's just life, not a set of canons and rules. If she likes to live like this, then that is her right. And they will condemn her in any case, even if she behaves like a nun. Let my daughter enjoy life and try all its facets while she is young and beautiful. She understands that as soon as the child appears, her buzzing will stop and she will have to do her best to adapt to an adult and serious life. Ulyana tried to breathe before the upcoming pregnancy and went as soon as funds allowed. And Stas was glad that his wife was so happy returning home and making him happy. It is good that Ulya always protected herself so as not to bring an unknown infection from vacation. Otherwise, you can get burned at the first symptoms. But then the situation got out of control and Ulyana almost lost her head.
They decided to save money for the unborn child and stopped all trips abroad. Ulyana came to me and complained that after two years of marriage, Stas had ceased to desire her as a woman, that now it happens so rarely that it hardly happens once every three weeks. I was shocked! After all, my daughter is the dream of most men. But she told me that everything will change soon. I offered her to divorce Stas, because she still cheats on him, which means there is no love there. But the daughter replied that Stas was good for life and she might not find another one like that. Three weeks later, my daughter fell head over heels in love with the tattoo artist. I immediately recognized this burning look, fiery speeches and stories about his wonderful talents. But he's married! This did not bother her, but I quickly cooled her ardor. If she doesn't feel sorry for her family, then let her think about his wife and children.
Ulyana, though windy, is not spiteful. She decided to talk to this man and sort everything out on the shore. They decided that their families were more important to each other and stopped all communication. This situation hit Ulyana hard and she returned to her husband. She never cheated on her husband again. One evening she confessed to me: “You know, Mom, I don’t want any more simple lust. Stas cares about me so much, loves me so much. I will appreciate it and will not deceive him anymore. " I was so proud of her at that moment. Two months after this conversation, Ulyana became pregnant, but was never able to give birth. Two consecutive miscarriages deprived them of the opportunity to become parents in the near future. But this united them so much that a second love almost broke out. Now they are undergoing treatment, although the results are disappointing. They are both ready for eco and even take the toddler from the infant home to give him a family. I just want my daughter to be happy and become a mother. 
- a very important point not only in the mother-boy relationship, but also in the mother-daughter relationship. This problem (the behavior of a mother towards her daughter's boyfriend) goes back centuries and comes from the problem, as the classic said, of fathers and children. We doubt that it will ever be resolved, because it is based on the difference in views on life, the desire for independence on the one hand and the desire for control on the other.
Interestingly, most mothers have the most tender feelings for their adult daughters. They try to do all the best for them, but as a result, sometimes they behave completely differently in relation to their daughter and her environment. Usually, the existing contradictions are aggravated when a girl has a permanent chosen one, whom she does not hide from her parents.
You are very lucky if you and your mom do not have any secrets, your understanding is complete and you are not afraid to tell your mom about your boyfriend. In this case, you will not need special recipes for the first acquaintance, since you have probably already talked about it a hundred times in your home conversations. In most cases, even the mother herself asks for a meeting in order to finally see firsthand the subject of constant discussions. It is worse if the relationship among female relatives is not so rosy.
Let's start our consideration of the problem (mother's behavior towards her daughter's boyfriend) with the relationship between mother and daughter. As a rule, the warmer and closer such a relationship, the fewer conflicts arise. The situation changes a little when a mother behaves with restraint in relation to her daughter, demanding, sometimes even stingy with affection and praise. The child should think about the reasons for this behavior of the parent. The simplest answer is natural restraint and stinginess in expressing emotions. Such mothers love children no less than others, but they cannot or do not consider it necessary to call the girl their beloved daughter every 5 minutes or praise her with or without. The second option is usually some reason that does not allow yourself to behave differently (personal injury, etc.). It is difficult to assume that a mother who does not express many emotions in relation to her own daughter may begin to pour out a stream of feelings in relation to a completely stranger (boyfriend).
Psychologically, there are two main reasons a mother dislikes her daughter's boyfriend. We mean an inexplicable negative or cool attitude when a young person does not give a reason for such a reaction. Let's start with the stumbling block of any parent - life experience. This very good base, developed over the years, in inept hands becomes a sword, completely cutting off the relations of young people. Every child at least once in his life heard from his parents the phrase: "I am smarter" or "Live with mine, change your mind." These words are a sign of the moral dictatorship of parents over children. No one disputes the acquired life experience, however, almost all parents forget that this experience is their PERSONAL, that it cannot be fully projected onto other people. There are no situations that are 100% similar to each other. This is the main mistake of the mother in this situation - in fact, in her judgments, she puts herself in the place of her daughter and builds conclusions on her conclusions and emotions. In this case, the mother cannot understand that the daughter, and not she, is in connection with this young man, which is the mother's inappropriate behavior towards her daughter's boyfriend.
In such a situation, the relationship between the mother herself and the male representatives is very important. If mom has such a negative experience, the men abandoned her or deceived her, then for the rest of her life she will instill in her daughter the idea that all men are bastards. In this situation, the guy's fault will only be that he belongs to the male sex. As practice shows, the unsuccessful personal life of a mother leaves a deep psychological mark on her soul throughout her life and this state is almost impossible to change.
Such an internal state is usually reflected in a relationship with a guy already during the first meeting. Here, the lines of behavior of the parent (mother towards her daughter's boyfriend) can be two: a quiet snake and a violent demon. As for the demon, there are still people for whom there is one opinion - their own, and the other is wrong. If you have such a mother, then with a very high probability the meeting will end with a mini- or maxi-scandal. The reason is simple - the mother has a developed ideal of a guy, most likely, the last name and first name of the chosen one are already known, and this candidate may not fit in for any, even the most far-fetched reason. A smart guy can immediately determine such a state of a mother to a girl by an aggressive line of behavior. At the same time, aggression can be expressed not only with caustic remarks and sarcasm towards the guy, but also with increased intonation when addressing the daughter.
It's a shame that in this case the guy has practically no chance to show his real face. If he ignores hairpins with a sweet smile, then mom will decide that he is stupid. If he begins to culturally contradict and object, then the mother will immediately rush at him with hostility and attacks (unforeseen behavior of the mother towards her daughter's boyfriend) that he is a boor and rude. In this situation, it is almost impossible to find that golden mean of behavior that preserves its dignity and helps to calm the mother down a little. The best option, perhaps, would be to let the parent speak, culturally object, and bow out, citing sudden affairs. Perhaps, letting off steam, mom will try to understand your parting words at her leisure.
Another behavior of a mother towards her daughter's boyfriend is the quiet snake. Here the situation is practically the opposite. Mom receives guests, treats them to tea, etc., tries to strike up a conversation, find out almost the entire biography of the guy, even sometimes smiles. The tension of the inner world in this situation is betrayed only by my mother's cold eyes. Such meetings usually end peacefully with invitations to repeat, however, they do not leave in the soul of a young man a desire to come here again. The main actions develop after the guy leaves during the conversation between mother and daughter. Their main points are:
Phrases from the category that guys need only one thing from girls, and after receiving it, the guys must leave the girls;
The desire to find only negative aspects in the information received from the guy. The reason can be any: the beauty of a guy is considered in the context of his future infidelity; good work is interpreted in such a way that he will devote little time to the girl and the future family; studying at a university is seen not as a desire to get an education, but as a complete lack of money for a guy at the moment; poor parents - bad, rich - even worse, etc.
If the meeting ended in a scandal or an unpleasant conversation, then you should not argue with your mother, persuade her. In this case, you need to be patient and wait, because it is not for nothing that they say that time is the best healer. Only it is worth from time to time to present her with information that refutes her negative attitude towards the chosen guy.
In order to properly prepare the meeting between a guy and his mother, a little preparatory work is needed. Mom is given information about the guy, his positive traits, lifestyle and dreams for the future in portions and for no apparent reason. It is important that the information is only positive, since the mother will find negative features over time herself (this behavior of the mother towards her daughter's boyfriend is understandable). If mom has positive associations about men from her environment (dad, an acquaintance at work), then it is imperative to draw appropriate parallels. It is important for a daughter to understand that in most cases, a mother's negative is based on a subconscious desire to protect her daughter. Those. in this case, the mother needs to prove that her daughter is not in any danger with this guy.
There is another good practice of first acquaintance. It assumes a kind of bribery of the mother by the guy. To do this, the girl must tell the guy all the weak points of her mother. These are her hobbies, favorite TV series, poet, favorite flowers, perhaps some kind of dream. All this is done in order to bring the guy's appearance and his inner world as close as possible to the mother's ideal and to prevent the mother's negative behavior towards her daughter's boyfriend. In this situation, the meeting necessarily begins with a bouquet of your favorite flowers, and in the course of the evening, the potential mother-in-law is raised to the rank of “stars”, trying to communicate on topics that are pleasant to her, not to argue, to compliment her knowledge and life experience. The most important thing is not to overdo it in this situation, because any woman in the end will understand that she is simply being processed.
If she wants to introduce her mother to her boyfriend, the girl can choose the effect of surprise. A pre-arranged meeting will allow the mother to prepare, you - to prevent the mother's bad behavior towards her daughter's boyfriend. Usually, parents rarely tune in to a positive wave, and the mother almost always has a minimal negative image of the chosen one. By virtue of her psychology, when she meets, she tries more to confirm it than to refute it. The suddenness will knock this trump card out of my mother's hands. The meeting should be "casual", that is, a carefully planned girl. This can be a meeting when mom leaves work, at the market, at the supermarket, etc. The beauty of the situation is that mom will evaluate the guy in stride. She will not have time to draw up a psychological portrait, she will have to judge him according to momentary affairs: whether he will offer to carry a heavy bag, whether he will choose high-quality things or food, etc. Do not forget that mom subconsciously tries on each guy for the role of husband. In this case, successful purchases and the correct behavior of the guy will leave an impression of him as an economic and attentive man, i.e. the first impression will be POSITIVE!
And the last thing. There is no universal recipe for success in creating a positive image of a guy. Here, besides everything, there is an important natural ingenuity of the chosen one himself. Even if there is a certain pattern of behavior, then he must be able to act according to the situation. This is very important, since some parents love to ask provocative questions and very carefully monitor both the answer itself and the guy's external reaction to the question. This is a typical mother's behavior towards her daughter's boyfriend. It is important that all the behavior of a guy speaks of love and respect for his daughter, this can outweigh many of the guy's shortcomings on the imaginary mother's scales.
If all the efforts of the daughter to build bridges between mom and boyfriend turn out to be in vain, then it is best to leave a minimum of points of contact for them, i.e. meet as little as possible. This is similar to allergy - the less contact with the allergen, the less unhealthy reaction of the body. Alas!!!
Masha gave birth to a daughter very early. She just turned seventeen, and circumstances developed so that there was one more beauty in her family. There was no help from the would-be father. He disappeared into thin air as soon as he learned that Masha was pregnant. But her mother and grandmother sincerely supported her.
Little Veronica grew up as a very beautiful and carefree child. Masha, too, did not sit idly by and did her best to earn money and get a good education. All for the daughter's sake. Seeing the efforts of her granddaughter, her grandmother rewrote her apartment to Masha. There they lived together.
Masha's personal life was not very good. The girl did not let men get too close to her. Everyone was afraid that she would be betrayed.
When Nika was twenty, the courier rang the doorbell and brought her
a huge bouquet of scarlet roses.
- What a beauty, daughter! - praised the taste of the gentleman Niki Masha. “Don't tell me it's from your classmate. It is immediately evident that a mature man is courting.
- Mom, I myself do not yet know if I need such a relationship. He is older than me, while he is just showing attention. It pleases me, but I'm still thinking.
- Daughter, is age really the main thing? Maybe he is a good man and caring. Now my lover is younger and nothing. He also gives flowers, but pleases with attention.
- I see, Mom. Well, thanks for your kind words.
Since then, Nicky began a dizzying romance. Her man often pampered his beloved girl with pleasant gifts and arranged unusual weekends together. Masha's cavalier was also distinguished by his cleverness. He always helped in some household matters. But they just could not get together at a common table. First one, then the second did not succeed. There was another fact that amused both Masha and Nika. Their gentlemen were namesakes ...
To be honest, Masha was somehow embarrassed by the last fact. They were too similar, these Vadims, to each other. But she drove away bad thoughts from herself. Until one fine moment Maria received a call from her daughter:
- Mom, I'm in the hospital. Lost consciousness at the university. They took me by ambulance. I have one piece of news for you. - the daughter began frightened. - I am pregnant.
- Don't worry, dear! Give me and Vadim a grandson or granddaughter, get married. Everything will be fine. Dial it, and I'm on my way.
Masha quickly arrived at the hospital and hurried to her daughter's room. She quietly opened the door and was numb. On the edge of Nika's bed, her lover Vadim was sitting and stroking her daughter's hand. Masha quickly walked away from the door and wrote him a message so that he urgently went downstairs.
- Do you even think with your head? This is my daughter! - She began immediately to make claims to her would-be lover.
- Now I understand what the catch is. You are even similar to each other, just Nika is younger and brighter, and you are wiser and calmer. Yes, I myself was rushing between you, as if between two fires, I still could not make up my mind.
- In short, Sklifosovsky. I have already decided. Don't even try to tell your daughter that you were my lover. You will marry Nika, you will raise your child like a normal man. And just try to take a walk from her - I'll bury it.
- Understood - accepted! - Vadim smiled.
Since then, they have lived like this. Mother-in-law Masha tried with all her might to keep calm and peace in her daughter's family, at the same time looking after the loving then.
Story sent by: Olga
It seems that Ira has fallen in love. After the first call, she flies at full steam to the phone and grabs the receiver. Hearing someone's voice, he breaks into a smile and hides in his room, shutting the door tightly behind him. My daughter tells me that in the evenings she goes for a walk with her friend, and she comes back with such a happy face that it immediately becomes clear: this “friend” is not a friend at all. At first I didn't ask Irina about anything. I thought: if she wanted to, she would tell everything herself. But the daughter was silent like a partisan, she did not say a word about her admirer. And one day I could not stand it. Seeing Ira spinning in front of the mirror, trying on a new blouse, as if in between times she noticed: “Maybe you’ll introduce me to him already?”
With whom? - Ira blurted out, blushing.
With the guy you've been running on dates with for two months now.
I don't run, ”she mumbled.
Truth? I said sarcastically and shrugged. “I don’t understand why you’re hiding it from me.”
I am not hiding. - Ira lowered her eyes.
What is it called? You used to bring all your boyfriends home.
Mom, well, Seryozha is not like everyone else.
Yeah, so his name is Sergei.
Yes. And ... and we are all serious.
Everything is very serious with you every time, ”I said mockingly.
I knew you would react like that!
That's it, I won't, ”I said hastily. - What is he like? Tall, short, thin, well-fed?
Well, Seryozha is so ... - Ira rolled her eyes dreamily. - The best.
Good description, ”I laughed. - Detailed, the main thing. Is he from your institute?
Well no. He works.
Seriously? And how old is he then? - was surprised.
And here Irina somehow suspiciously obscured, hesitated.
What does it matter?
Probably nothing, ”I frowned. “But I don’t like you hiding it. What is the problem, I don’t understand? Is he older than you?
Uh-huh, - Irishka reluctantly confirmed.
So what's so terrible about that? I don't see anything wrong if a man is five or even seven years older than a woman. On the contrary, there are only advantages in this. He already stands firmly on his feet, earns, can feed his family ...
Mom, - interrupted my daughter. - Sergei is older not only me, but also ... you.
What?! - I widened my eyes.
He is forty-seven years old.
How many?! - I grabbed my heart.
Why are you nervous? Itself has just said: a man must be older, - Irina frowned.
But not to the same extent! It turns out, you have an age difference of twenty-seven years ?! Horror! Nightmare!
Downright horror, - she winced. - You make an elephant out of a fly.
Ira, you don’t understand!
No, you don’t understand that! - the daughter flared up. - I love Sergei, and it doesn't matter to me how many years he is older than me! At least twenty, at least forty!
That's what you say now. When will you be only thirty and he is almost sixty? What then?
Nothing! I will love him anyway!
The daughter grabbed her purse from the chair and left, banging the door with all her might.
I sat down heavily on a stool, put my head in my hands and swayed from side to side. What to do? Put Ira under house arrest? Punish as a delinquent child? No, this is not an option. She is not a little girl, she grew up a long time ago, she is an adult after all. Oho-ho ... On the other hand, the daughter is completely naive, does not understand that she can ruin her whole future life with one thoughtless act. How to get through to her? How to explain that such a significant age difference will not lead to anything good?
The phone tore me away from the sad thoughts. A friend called. After the phrases on duty, Zoya asked why I had such a "killed" voice.
Oh, don't ask. Irka threw out another trick, - I admitted.
Which? Pregnant?
Pip your tongue, ”she exclaimed in dismay. - This was not enough yet.
I told Zoika about Sergei and his age. A friend, with her characteristic scrupulousness and pedantry, put everything on the shelves.
First, let's find out where, so to speak, "legs grow" from, what is the reason for this uh-uh ... misalliance. I think your Irishka is subconsciously looking for an older man who could in some sense replace her father.
Probably, - I sighed, agreeing.
Zoe is right. I raised my daughter myself. The guy I met in my youth, after learning about pregnancy, left me and fled to another city. “Most likely, my daughter really lacks paternal love,” I thought, listening to Zoyka's rantings.
We figured out the reason, - summed up the friend. - Now let's think about how you better behave.
Find out where this old libertine lives, come and stuff his face.
Well, let's say he's not that old, ”she chuckled. - And then, how to find out the address? Ira won't say anything.
And what do you suggest?
Don't fuss. And wait.
What? By the sea of the weather?
No. Until Irina gets tired of playing with the family. She is young, she probably wants to go to discos, dance, as they say now, to have fun in full. I doubt that this Sergey will attend youth nightclubs. Ultimately, Irishka will run out of patience, and she will start an affair with one of her peers.
Hopefully, I muttered.
However, time passed, and the daughter was still hovering on the wings of love. I watched her closely, hoping to find even the slightest sign of a bad mood. Useless. It's time to get down to your contingency plan.
Where does your Sergei live? - asked.
What for? - the daughter was wary.
Yes, just wondering ...
Mom, don't be dark, what else have you come up with? - Irina was worried.
Nothing, calm down ... - I paused, wondering how to get to her boyfriend. - I don’t like that even though we have figured out the problem with age, you still don’t bring Sergei to us.
He's not particularly keen to get to know you, - she reluctantly admitted.
Still would. Guesses that I will arrange such a "fireworks" here, it will not seem a little. And yet Ira must be persuaded, let her bring him here. And I'll deal with him here. I will express what I think.
I'm starting to worry. It seems that you are hiding something else. Is he a drunkard? An addict? Convicted?
Not! How could you think that?
Why are you hiding it? Why on earth, one wonders? - I took a full chest of air and gave out the most compelling argument: - When I see that he is a normal person, I will immediately stop worrying and wind myself up.
Okay, I'll bring him.
"Fine! - I mentally rejoiced. - Let only this elderly ladies' man appear on the doorstep! Ogrebet me in full. Spun the girl's head. And he himself is good for her father. "
Sergei agreed to pay us a visit. “Fucking intellectual,” I raged to myself. - You see, he will make a visit. Nothing, I will quickly knock off arrogance from him. I will drop it from heaven to earth. He still recognizes me. " While waiting for the guest, I carried out "intelligence work". I found out from Irina that Sergei had never been married. “An old bachelor is a diagnosis,” she pronounced her verdict. According to his daughter, Seryozha did not meet a suitable woman. But I perfectly understood that he himself did not suit anyone, otherwise he would have been caught long ago.
Exactly at the appointed time, the doorbell rang. “Yeah, he's making himself punctual. Well, well, ”she grunted ironically.
Ira ran to open it. I stomped after her, ready to immediately cool the visitor with a contemptuous look.
A tall, thin man with unshaven cheeks stood in the doorway. In his hands he held two bouquets of wildflowers. “He lacks a thick knitted sweater to complete the picture of the guitar,” the thought flashed. Sergei did not at all look like an elderly libertine. He would fit perfectly into the company with which I went on hikes in my student years and sang songs around the fire.
You know, a guitar would be very suitable for you, - I voiced my thought after polite words of greeting.
I almost never part with her, ”he laughed, taking off his jacket. Under it was a warm knitted sweater. So cozy, soft that I wanted to touch ... I hid my hands behind my back.
But today, unfortunately, I didn't take my guitar with me. He was ashamed.
It's a shame, ”I said sincerely.
Sergei looked at me with a long, studying look and smiled.
It seems to me that you, too, are breathing unevenly towards the guitar and bard music.
There is a little, - I answered. -
In her youth she played herself. Campfire.
Why are you talking about youth in the past tense?
So she passed. Irrevocably.
Nonsense. Your youth has not gone anywhere. She is always with you.
It's a compliment? Thank you.
Seryozhka, come into the room, - Irina finally intervened in the conversation.
You, by any chance, do not have a "six-string"? I would love to play.
No, - blurted out the daughter.
Yes, - I corrected her.
Where? she wondered.
From youth, - grinned. - It has been stored on the mezzanine for ... eleven years.
And I had no doubts, - said Sergey. - As soon as I saw you, I immediately realized that there should be a guitar in this house.
My desire to make an enchanting scandal disappeared somewhere. At first I tried to find negative traits in the guest, at least something to which I can cling to. But she gave up this unsuccessful occupation. We drank tea with apple pie. They laughed at the stories that Sergey was telling in a hoarse voice. Then they fished out a guitar. They took turns playing, singing songs of the student days.
I see you liked Seryozha? - asked the daughter when the guest left.
Yes. Very much, - I answered honestly.
Later, analyzing what had happened, I suddenly came to the conclusion that if Ira looked at Sergei with enthusiastic eyes, then he behaved somewhat ... well ... indifferently, or something. I got the impression that Irina takes him much more seriously than he treats her.
A couple of days later the doorbell rang. Sergei stood on the threshold.
Hello, - I drawled in surprise. We switched to "you" last time. - And Irishka went to her friend's birthday. Didn't she say?
Said. But I forgot. - He shyly shifted from foot to foot.
Of course, I invited him to come in.
And what does it smell so good for? The guest sniffed at the air.
I'm making dinner. Another twenty minutes - and I'll treat you to the soup.
It's great! - Sergey admired.
That's good. Come into the living room for now. Turn on your TV.
Can I stay in the kitchen? I love to watch a woman cook.
Yes? Then you're out of luck, ”she said jokingly. - Ira hates the kitchen.
He did not answer my reply.
Sergei was sitting on a stool near the window. I played guitar strings and hummed something in an undertone. I cooked dinner and ... smiled. My soul was so warm and calm ...
Seryozha left before the
Irina cried out. And I didn't say anything to her ...
Once I was walking home from work.
Can I give you a ride? - Suddenly there was a familiar voice with a hoarseness.
From the antediluvian foreign car peeped out a satisfied Seryozha's face. I was delighted, without further ado, I sat down in his car.
Your car? - asked.
My swallow. Rarity.
Cool, - I praised.
And Ira calls her a jumper.
It’s in vain, ”I didn’t approve.
Yes. And I think so, ”he nodded. - How about ice cream?
Strawberry? - narrowed her eyes.
I take this as agreement.
Ira did not know anything about our gatherings in the cafe either. I kept my mouth shut, struggling with remorse.
Two weeks later, my daughter left with friends for nature. I knew that Seryozha would come. To me. And so it happened. I fell into his arms, pressed my cheek to the sweater. "Darling," she whispered.
While Irina was gone, Sergei lived with me. But the day of her daughter's return was drawing near.
What do I say? - sobbed bitterly.
That you and I love each other.
No. I covered my face with my palms.
Stop doing that! - Sergei gently but persistently removed my hands from my face. - You yourself understand that between us at the first acquaintance, that very connecting thread arose ... Don't, don't tear it. It is very serious.
Irina will never forgive me ...
Forgive. You are her mother, and she will always love you. And if she wants to hate someone, let it be me.
I was preparing for a conversation with my daughter. But it so happened that she went straight from the station to Sergei. And he told her everything himself. Irina arrived home in a furious state.
How could you?! she shouted.
I cried silently. What to say? That feelings were stronger than me? That I met true love, the man I want to be with?
Irina went to a rented apartment. I don’t know how I would have survived this time, if not for the support of Sergei. Yes, I could not refuse his love ... And a few weeks later my daughter called. She asked if I could come to visit.
Have you forgiven me? I gasped.
Mommy, I met a cool guy from a parallel group and fell in love! she chirped.
The most serious mistake that many mothers and grandmothers make when raising a daughter and, accordingly, a granddaughter is programming her for a certain mandatory set of skills and qualities that she must possess. “You should be nice”, “You should be flexible”, “You should like it”, “You should learn to cook”, “You should”. There is nothing wrong with the ability to cook, but the girl develops a flawed mindset: you will have value only if you meet a set of criteria. Here a personal example will work much more efficiently and without trauma for the psyche: let's cook a delicious soup together. Let's clean the house together. Let's pick your hairstyle together. Seeing how mom does something and enjoys it, the daughter will want to learn it. And on the contrary, if the mother hates some business, then no matter how much she repeats that this needs to be learned, the girl will have a subconscious rejection of the process. But in fact, everything that is needed, the girl will still learn sooner or later. When she needs it herself.
The second mistake that often occurs in raising daughters is the hard, judgmental attitude towards men and sex that is broadcast to her by the mother. "They all need one thing", "Look, he will drown and throw", "The main thing - do not bring it in the hem", "You must be inaccessible." As a result, the girl grows up with the feeling that men are aggressors and rapists, that sex is something dirty and bad that should be avoided. At the same time, with age, her body will begin to send her signals, hormones will begin to rage, and this internal contradiction between the prohibition coming from the mother and the desire coming from within is also very traumatic.
The third mistake, which surprisingly contrasts with the second - closer to 20 years old girl is told that her formula for happiness consists of "get married and give birth." And ideally - up to 25 years old, otherwise it will be too late. Think about it: at first, as a child, she was told what she should learn (list) in order to get married and become a mother, then for several years she was broadcast the idea that men are goats, and sex is dirt, and now again: get married and give birth ... It is paradoxical, but often it is precisely such contradictory attitudes that mothers voice to their daughters. The result is a fear of the relationship itself. And the risk of losing yourself, losing touch with your desires and understanding what the girl really wants is seriously increasing.
The fourth mistake is overprotectiveness. Now this is a big trouble, mothers increasingly tie their daughters to themselves and surround them with so many prohibitions that it becomes scary. Don't go for a walk, don't be friends with these, call me every half hour, where are you, why you were 3 minutes late. Girls are not given any freedom, they are not given the right to make decisions, because these decisions may turn out to be wrong. But it normal! At the age of 14-16, a normal teenager is in the process of separation, he wants to decide everything himself, and (with the exception of issues of life and health) he needs to be given such an opportunity. Because if a girl grows up under her mother's heel, she will become firmly convinced that she is a second-class being, incapable of autonomous existence, and other people will always decide everything for her.
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The fifth mistake is the formation of a negative image of the father. It doesn't matter if the father is in the family or the mother is raising the child without his participation, it is unacceptable to turn the father into a demon. You cannot tell a child that his shortcomings are a bad heredity on the paternal side. You can't vilify your father, whatever he is. If he really was a "goat", then the mother should recognize her share of responsibility for the fact that she chose this particular person as a father to her child. It was a mistake, so the parents parted, but the responsibility for the one who took part in the conception cannot be outweighed on the girl. She's definitely not to blame here.
The sixth mistake is corporal punishment. Of course, you can't beat any children, never, but we have to admit that this hurts girls more. Psychologically, the girl quickly slides from her normal self-esteem into the position of the humiliated and subordinate. And if physical punishment comes from the father, this will almost certainly lead to the fact that the girl will choose the aggressors as a partner.
The seventh mistake is under-praise. A daughter should grow up, constantly hearing that she is the most beautiful, the most beloved, the most capable, the best. This will build a healthy, normal self-image. This will help the girl grow up with a sense of self-satisfaction, self-acceptance, and self-love. This is the guarantee of her happy future.
The eighth mistake is to clarify the relationship with the daughter. Parents should never arrange quarrels in front of children, this is simply unacceptable. Especially when it comes to the personal qualities of the mother and father, mutual accusations. The child should not see this. And if it really happened, both parents should apologize and explain that they did not control their feelings, they quarreled and have already made up, and most importantly, the child has nothing to do with it.
The ninth mistake is the incorrect living of the girl's puberty. There are two extremes: to allow everything, so as not to lose contact, and to prohibit everything, so as not to “miss out”. Both are worse, as they say. The only way to overcome this difficult period for all without sacrifice is firmness and goodwill. Firmness - in upholding the boundaries of what is permitted, benevolence - in communication. For girls at this age, it is especially important that they talk a lot with them, ask them, answer idiotic questions, share their memories. And you need to react more calmly, never use these conversations against the child. If this is not done now, there will never be intimacy, and the grown-up daughter will say: "I never trusted my mother."
Finally, the last mistake is the wrong attitude towards life. In no case should girls be told that her life must include certain points. Get married, give birth, lose weight, not get fat, and so on. The girl must be tuned in to self-realization, to the ability to listen to herself, to the opportunity to do what she likes, what she does, to enjoy herself, to be independent from other people's assessments and public opinion. Then a happy, beautiful, self-confident woman will grow up, ready for a full-fledged partnership.
