Probably, many of us are familiar with couples who have been living in a civil marriage for a long time and are in no hurry to formalize the relationship. And, of course, more often than not the opponent of officialdom is the strong side, but why doesn’t a man marry you? And you, meanwhile, continue to choose stylish shirts for him, feed him to the full and please him in everything. How right is she doing, is there any point in being next to a man who has not deigned to take one step, thanks to which the woman will feel confidence in the future and stability of her situation. Let's try to find out together.
Why doesn't he get married?
We all understand that any delay in a relationship does not arise out of nowhere. Life under one warm roof, spending time together, common interests and activities - this is, so to speak, a marriage. But there is one difference - not official, but civil. Perhaps he is hiding something, and there are very good reasons why he is in no hurry to go to the registry office. So, let's look at the most common ones, according to psychologists.
Married husband
When you start a conversation about legitimizing your status, you hear in response: Let’s wait until the children grow up, She’s sick now, I can’t leave her alone, The company is registered in Her name, etc. and so on. Believe me, this is a very banal situation. Men are not at all enterprising and explain the delay in divorce with familiar phrases. And if you continue to expect that he will soon rush in on a trotter and open the treasured box with a ring, you will hear the very words that you have been dreaming about all the time you have lived together - wake up. He will continue to take advantage of your position, swallow amazing cutlets and praise your talents.
And imagine how convenient it is. After all, periodically returning to his “unloved” wife, he most likely feels the same. People are waiting for him everywhere, tables are set, gifts are given. And both ladies (sometimes there are more of them) are united in their desire to keep the “best” man in the world.
Polygamist
These are easy to identify. They often go on business trips, they can periodically go “hunting” and fishing with friends, and stay at work until the morning. The latter, by the way, happens very often. In such a situation, the man hides his place of employment and will not allow you to enter his office under any pretext. Upon returning from another business trip, he will definitely give you a gift - underwear, sweets, flowers, jewelry. After all, you need to beg for “forgiveness” and not give reason to doubt that you are the one and only.
Spare wife
Most men are ambitious by nature. They have a kind of backup list, and it will be replenished until he meets the one. And this can go on for a very long time. Types of this kind are always particularly selective. She doesn’t cook well, has a big nose, is unkempt, sloppy, too annoying, etc. A number of claims can be listed for hours. And as soon as he meets a girl with ideal indicators, he will immediately rush to her and forget about the one who has been nearby for many years.
For the same rake
There is an axiom - the person we choose to live with is our mirror. That is, our chosen ones are intended to make us aware of our character and make the right choice for life. But due to their inexperience or naivety, most do not want to understand this. And, time after time, they choose the same type, with which they simply do not “get along.” Perhaps everything will be fine at first, but after the candy-bouquet period, everyday life will begin. And against the backdrop of everyday life, relationships can end at any moment and for any reason. Therefore, before entering into a relationship, take a close look at your man, observe his behavior and draw conclusions.
Lover for life
This type is not capable of not only building a family, but also maintaining a relationship with one girl for at least some time. True, his flights do not mean that he does not have children. Moreover, such Don Juans may have several children, from different mothers. A loving man, as a rule, is nice to everyone; he does not like to sort things out. And whenever possible, he tries to help everyone, takes part in the life of his blood.
It’s just his way of loving everyone. He, one might say, was stuck in adolescence, when hormones were rampant, but wisdom and responsibility had not yet arrived, and are unlikely to come.
No funds yet
A common reason for men who postpone marriage is lack of money. He wants to arrange everything grandly, because this is a once-in-a-lifetime event, and his beloved deserves an amazing celebration, etc. Also, the reason may be unsettled life, an imaginary desire to increase and improve living conditions.
This can last for a very long time, because you need to earn a lot, and this is not easy. Remember - the years go by, and, unfortunately, time does not play for the benefit of a woman.
Unhealed wound
It so happened that your chosen one suffered a tragic love story. Someone inflicted a wound on him, deceiving his sincere feelings. Perhaps it was a betrayal, and the beloved cheated on the man with another person. Or at the moment when his business began to fade away, she decided not to waste time on a loser, and left in search of a new rich gentleman. And when he meets you, he simply licks his wounds and tries to get back on his feet.
Look, no matter how it turns out that when he gets back on his feet, he will again feel the strength in himself and forget about his savior. Believe me, this also happens. If you still have a decent person in front of you, then it will take him a lot of time to believe in the sincerity of your feelings and take the first important step.
Lover for life
There is a special type of women - eternal lovers, whom no one will marry under any pretext. It is worth noting that these representatives more often continue the “karma” of their dynasty. In her family there will definitely be an aunt, grandmother or the same mother who had connections on the side, gave birth to lovers and could not get married. And this position does not confuse the girl at all; on the contrary, it fits perfectly into the norm and the habit of being “alone” is passed on from generation to generation.
By nature, a girl of this type is a little girly in life. She behaves childishly, quickly gets offended and constantly demands gifts. Apart from a young body and sex, she is unable to give her lover anything.
But he is not an idol, but a living person. He also wants to talk, conduct everyday life, and receive wise advice. And if this is not the case, then cohabitation with a “doll”, albeit a passionate one, becomes boring.
Fear of communicating with mother-in-law
He already has a domineering and especially commanding mother. Please note that perhaps your parent also likes to keep everything under control and is trying to put pressure on your chosen one with her authority. Every now and then she demands to be taken to the market, to the dacha, to meet her friend from the North, to move furniture, to fix the car, to make repairs, etc. Stop! Why on earth is she interfering with something other than her family? You should exist separately. Immediately move to another apartment, even a rented one. Don't ignore your sociable dad. If he keeps trying to get his beloved son-in-law into fishing, carpentry, and trying fresh moonshine infused using a special method, stop these attempts. Not everyone will like such importunity.
The opinions of friends interfere
Your loved one was recently enjoying himself in the company of his friends; his free time was occupied by the fan movement for his favorite team, hunting, fishing and other hobbies. You weren’t there yet, and he belonged entirely to his friends. And then a passion appeared, which pulled the guy out of the company and deprived him of that well-coordinated team of like-minded people that made up the backbone.
The reason could also be different - perhaps they are jealous of him, and most likely this is exactly the case. Clean, well-groomed, does not ruin his health with alcohol or low-alcohol drinks, and is already trying to quit smoking. He goes to work on time, and spends weekends with his family or alone with his loved one. He is always welcome at a beautifully set table, and the dishes are hearty, tasty and fresh. Which of his “abandoned” friends wouldn’t want the same thing? So they get mad, sorry for the bad manners.
But be careful, the entire idyll described above may end suddenly if the company gets its way and makes efforts to return the “prodigal” friend. In any case, make sure that none of the “saboteurs” can get too close to him.
Don't be intrusive
Each of us should have our own space. And if you are nearby for seven days and 24 hours a day, then not only a stranger, but also the woman you love may become tired. The latter, moreover, sets only its own rules and tries to remake it to fit its template in a short time. You can also safely call it a desire to quickly introduce him to your mom and dad, to introduce him into your social circle.
Wait, stop! What are you doing? A person has lived for himself for a long time, he has his own friends, family, and also has his own interests and hobbies. Why break everything that is already established “through” the knee. Believe me, an intelligent, or rather, a wise woman will never do this. If you continue in the same direction, not even a couple of months will pass before you find yourself with nothing.
Your loved one is an introvert
Be careful, there may be a person next to you who has mental problems. An introvert is another thing, no matter what, what if he is a sociopath who is irritated by your presence. If a man is outraged for any reason, explodes when he finds your toothbrush in his cup, doesn’t want to let you try his ice cream, refuses to turn his cheek for a kiss - run. A little more, he will begin to resent your turning in bed and irreparable things may happen.
Unbearable Pure
It’s hard to believe, but among men there are also such pure women whose neatness you simply want to run away from. Yes, this is a rarity, but we know that it is with our “Jewish” happiness that we will come across this type. Aesthetes and supporters of perfectionism cannot feel peace if socks are folded in the wrong color in the locker, and a thin strip with a dent appears on the shirt. And if he discovers that somewhere in the bathroom a jar of cream has been placed in the wrong row, expect at least a contemptuous look.
But most likely, the situation will be “crowned” with a strong word and your vain movements towards ideal order. Such a pedant will not even think about formalizing a relationship until he meets the same one, which is very difficult. So it will degrade in its cleanliness and drink your “blood” until you yourself escape from the ideally clean space.
The most banal dislike
No need to beat around the bush. Be brave and honest - he doesn't love you. Believe me, if that same feeling exists in a person, then he cannot imagine his life without your presence. It doesn’t matter to him whether you are a slob or a neat person, whether you are annoying or not. He agrees to put up with your father's craving for alcohol and will listen carefully to stupid jokes. He will never refuse his mother’s cabbage rolls and will take her to the dacha. He will never remember his friends, he will forget about his mother’s instructions. The main thing is that you be nearby and give him passion, the joy of communicating with you.
Now let’s look at the phenomenon of civil marriage from the outside. Is it possible to find positive aspects for you in it and is it worth holding on to such a relationship?
Civil marriage: pros and cons
Any couple living together goes through certain stages of the relationship and everything goes towards one thing - registering a marriage. And if at least one stage is missed, then living together may collapse. Disappointment will come, and constant doubts will “sharpen” the foundation of trust. In the end, one of the couple, and maybe both parties, will think that this is not the person who was expected all their lives. Therefore, it is important to live nearby for some time, learn habits, get used to character traits and actions. And if the “grinding in” process is completed without “losses,” you can be done with it. But in the modern world, many couples are no longer in a hurry to formalize their relationship. What do psychologists and think about this?
Experts do not see anything bad in this kind of family. Time passes and people change. Gone are the dogmas that you cannot have close contact and give birth to children from a person with whom you are not officially married. Now there is complete freedom in relationships and each of us chooses a convenient form for ourselves. But what should couples do in which one half is for an open marriage, and the other half is for officialdom. Of course, women often complain about this state of affairs.
Pros of an open relationship
- Living together without registration allows people to get to know each other better and take a closer look at how stable their future lives will be. After all, ideal people do not exist. A happy future must be based on mutual understanding, compliance and respect for each other.
- Thanks to civil cohabitation, a woman will be able to understand in advance whether she can rely on this man. After all, without a stamp in his passport, he has complete freedom of action. See how he will take advantage of this situation, whether he will exclaim on every occasion that you are “nobody” to him and he is an absolutely free person.
- When living under the same roof, you can check how similar or different your attitudes toward financial spending are. With such a partner, will it be possible to make plans for the future and save up for something significant? Nobody says that everything should be built on money. They are simply an integral part of our lives. Do not forget that the bulk of family quarrels arise precisely because of financial deficit.
- In a civil marriage, many try not to acquire any significant property. Because the more agile and cunning side can “take everything into its own hands.” Therefore, the issue is resolved simply - no property, no problems with separation. It sounds cynical, but it's honest.
- No one can predict the future day. What if someone appears on the horizon who is truly ready to make you happy and live next to you all your life. But your beloved never decides to take an important step and is stalling for time. Moreover, with him there is no such stability and confidence in the future. The same thing could happen to him. Passion passed, I met the one and only. So the separation process will be quick. No courts, no proceedings. He took his suitcase and left.
- No matter how strange it may sound, civil relationships can keep both halves in good shape for a long time. After all, it is no secret to them that at any moment someone can stop living together and go home. To get around this moment, everyone tries to maintain passion, periodically remembering romanticism, flowers, delicious food. Ladies do not miss the opportunity to appear in front of their loved ones in the best light - beautiful, well-groomed, slender. After all, it is so important that, looking at you, he feels pleasure and desires intimacy. Otherwise, at any moment a predator will appear, ready to take the man away, taking the most decisive steps.
Disadvantages of civil cohabitation
Let's look at the negative aspects of living together as an unregistered couple. Let’s say right away that there are also a lot of them and they can significantly spoil the mood.
- Lack of legal support. Youth, passion, love - all this does not fit into the framework of a well-thought-out relationship. The main thing that drives lovers is the desire to completely give their life to their other half and not think about anything, only about her. And no one thinks about what will happen tomorrow. And life, as experienced people understand, is an unpredictable thing and can present surprises at any moment. And marriage without official registration is absolutely not protected by our legislation.
- Acquired property. After all, quite a few of these couples manage to buy an apartment, a dacha, furniture, a car, and most of them work on the property together. And so far everything is fine, there are no conflicts, no questions arise about who owns it all. But there is a problem - when parting, the party who cannot prove their participation is left with nothing. Most often these are women. After all, it falls to her lot to give birth to children and care for them. Thus, she loses years of work, although she works no less, and maybe more, than her husband. Don't forget about housework too. Even if she is not employed anywhere and has no children, taking care of the house, greeting her husband with ready-made food, washing, cleaning and caring for him is also work. Her rights will be protected by the state only from the moment she signs the marriage certificate. Therefore, it is worth thinking about whether there is any point in making a lot of money if you are not sure about this person. In a legal marriage, whether the husband wants it or not, all acquired property will be divided into two.
Another aspect related to property. Anything can happen in life, and, unfortunately, we are all not protected from tragedies. It may happen that the spouse dies (God forbid), and everything that they acquired together may become the subject of claims from his relatives. Having nothing to do with your things, they will be ready to take everything. And they will prove in court that you did not work enough to be able to acquire anything.
- Joint children. Serious difficulties can indeed arise here. It’s one thing to divide property, and another to expose your beloved children to injury. In a civil marriage, unfortunately, children are often an unwanted surprise. If in officialdom the father, like a little child, rejoices at the fact that he will soon have an heir or a beautiful daughter, then his partner will most likely be indignant. Often such news leads to a break in relationships. But even if the baby is desired, the civil relationship is not stable. Let's imagine that a man, who is not held back by anything, has met someone else and wants to go to her. In addition to the fact that the spouse suffers, the child also suffers psychological trauma. Children experience the separation of their parents very hard. It doesn't matter to them whether they are registered or not. And the stamp in the passport somehow keeps adults from acting rashly.
We presented the opinion of experts on why a man does not make an official proposal and strives to be in a civil relationship for as long as possible. If this state of affairs suits a woman, it’s okay. You can live like this. But in order to avoid unforeseen situations in the future, you need to approach the issue responsibly and “put a straw in it.” In any case, trust, but verify. Therefore, contact an experienced lawyer and take preventive measures.
“What to do if a man doesn’t want to get married? There are no good reasons for this, they meet, everything suits both parties, but they are in no hurry with the proposal, laugh it off and remain silent.”– our beautiful Oksana Chistyakova, the administrator of our VKontakte group and part-time beautiful girl, asks me a question.
Let's look at the situation when a man and woman live together. And they seem to live well. Love each other. They don't quarrel too much. Everything about sex is normal for them.
But when the question of registering a marriage comes up, the man begins to laugh it off, postpones resolving the issue for an indefinite period of time, remains silent or pretends not to hear. Or even begins to push his position on the woman “Why do you need to register a marriage? We already live well. “I love you, but stamping in a passport is outdated and won’t change anything.”.
Why is this happening?
What to do in this situation?
First, let's talk about why this happens? Why doesn't a man want to marry a girl? In principle, I have already written about this more than once, for example in an article, but recently, during consultations and simply in the comments under articles on the site or on my blog, this question is being asked more and more often, so let’s talk about this in more detail.
I will repeat banal things, but the average man does not at all strive so much for a registered marriage. I hope this is not news to you.
Why does a man need marriage? Marriage means certain obligations and a restriction of freedom in the choice of women. (even if the man does not cheat on the girl. This does not fundamentally change anything)
Official marriage is a woman’s rights to joint property.
Marriage is potentially the birth of children. And if the marriage fails, there will be a corresponding need to support them.
Marriage means much greater rights for a woman to communicate with her relatives, friends, etc.
Therefore, I repeat that the average man does not strive to get married at all.
On the other hand, almost all men by the age of 50 have been (or are) in a registered marriage at least once.
Why do they still get married?
The first reason is that a man loves a woman and wants to continue communicating with her and spend the rest of his life together.
But this, of course, is not enough.
The second reason why a man still gets married is that he is afraid of losing this woman if he does not propose marriage.
The third reason is that the man thinks that he will not find a better woman in the event of separation.
The fourth reason is that there are some minimum conditions for starting a family. This is not a required feature. But, nevertheless, usually a man before getting married must:
- reach the approximate ideal age to get married. (25-38 years approximately)
- you must have a place to raise a family (a separate apartment, a separate room with your parents, income to rent an apartment or something similar)
- you and he should be approximately the same social level.
- a man does not have one or two divorces behind him, where he has 2-3 children whom he supports.
Many girls think that if there is love, then they can get married. In fact, simple things like those listed above can greatly slow a man down on his path to marriage. If there is love, for example, but there is nowhere and nothing to live on, then you can meet, love each other, but why get married?
So, let's return once again to why a man does not marry for a long time.
If there is love between a man and a woman and everything is fine, then this is only one, clearly insufficient reason for marriage.
One of the main reasons that a man decides to register a marriage is that, in his opinion, otherwise he will lose the woman. And the second is that, in case of loss, he will not easily find himself a woman approximately the same or better. (He may be VERY deeply mistaken about his value to women, but this is not important in this case)
What to do with male sabotage of marriage registration? What to do when a man doesn't want to get married?
The first thing is don’t delay.
The ideal time to resolve the issue of registering a marriage is approximately 6 months to one year after the start of dating a man.
Previously, there is usually no sense. (This rarely happens)
But the main thing is not to delay!
Dear ladies, do not delay raising the question of marriage. I know a lot of examples when a woman and a man live together for 4-5 years and then separate.
I think it’s clear why there is no need to delay, but I’ll remind you.
First. As the relationship progresses beyond a year, the likelihood of marriage begins to gradually decline. After all, gradually a man and a woman get tired of each other, some claims against each other accumulate, etc. And by the age of 4-5, the probability of registering a marriage does not disappear completely, but is already close to zero.
Second. Waste of time.
After all, let’s say a girl didn’t work out with a man. He leaves her when she issues an ultimatum to register the relationship. And it’s one thing if this happens after a year of relationship. And it’s completely different if after 5 years. In 4-5 years, a girl could easily meet a decent man and get married.
And so it turns out that time passes, and the girl loses this time.
Therefore, never delay with this issue. Set yourself an approximate deadline for resolving the issue of marriage - this is somewhere from six months to 1.5 years. (Not marriage registration, but marriage proposal). And 1.5 years is really the maximum.
Then the conversation got worse and worse. The girl comes to terms with her situation. A man, on the contrary, gets used to the fact that it is quite possible to live without registering a marriage.
Secondly, a conversation with a man must be considered with some probability that he will refuse.
If you think that I or someone else will tell you some magic words, after saying which a man will suddenly understand that he was wrong and will immediately offer you his hand and heart, then I will tell you the opposite.
There are no such words. Moreover, it is usually impossible to convince a man with logic.
Talking about marriage is just an opportunity to gain some certainty in a relationship with a man.
Of course, a man can refuse. I understand that this is not very pleasant. But you need to understand that this is a very likely development of events.
The worst option is when a man refuses essentially, but not directly, but refuses with various excuses.
Eg:
- Well, when we have an apartment, then we can have a wedding.“At the same time, the purchase of an apartment is not planned in the coming months, but only theoretically there are some plans for it. Practically nothing is being done.
- I love you anyway. Why all these formalities?. - Essentially, this is a refusal.
After such a refusal, a girl sometimes thinks that the man does not understand the importance of registering a marriage for her and tries to convince the man. In this case, a lot of time and emotions are lost.
— a wedding is very expensive. Why throw money away when we need to buy a lot.(apartment, car, etc.) - This is also essentially a refusal. Don't think it's anything different.
In other words, don't close your eyes to the truth. Whatever the man says, except “let’s get married soon,” without any conditions in the form of buying something or something else (which is not obviously realized in the very near future), everything else is a refusal.
Third, don’t try too hard to convince a man..
If a man refuses, it means that he refused. In this situation, in fact, the only normal option is to break up with the man and look for another. (Exceptions are when a woman is over 40, has children, and marriage is really secondary)
The second option is to continue living with the man, essentially on his terms. Only then is it stupid to continue trying to convince him that he misunderstood something, that he does not understand your needs, that this, and the fifth, and the tenth.
For example, a man voices excuses:
— A wedding means a lot of money.“And the girl is trying to convince him that he can just sit modestly with his relatives and go to the registry office.”
— You need to buy an apartment first.“And the woman is trying, for example, to convince him that many families start their lives without an apartment and then somehow solve this problem.”
— A wedding and marriage registration is a formality, a piece of paper. “And the woman is trying to convince the man that this is not just a piece of paper or a formality for her.”
Usually this is all useless.
Because a man, in fact, is not as stupid in this matter as he sometimes pretends to be. He understands perfectly well that he does not want the marriage to be registered. He understands perfectly well that all his words and excuses delaying the registration of marriage are a refusal. And it is clear that he will not allow himself to be convinced. Because these are all excuses.
The reason is that he does not want marriage with this particular woman. Or at least he thinks that she will not get away from him, even if he refuses or constantly delays this issue.
Therefore, even if you defeat all his arguments, agree to all his conditions, this will not change anything. Let's say a man says that a wedding is expensive. The woman says let’s not have a wedding at all, the costs are only for registering the marriage, which I will pay for myself. Do you think something will change?
In 99% of cases nothing.
Therefore, it is common to argue, convince, etc. useless.
Fourth, it’s usually the woman who starts the conversation about marriage..
Do you think that a man will offer his hand and heart without any pressure from you? This happens, but rarely enough, no matter what movies, friends, etc. tell you about this.
Who needs? Marriage registration is more necessary for women. (With the exception of a certain number of cases, of course)
I repeat that there is no need to humiliate yourself. No need to beg. There is no need to threaten to break up, etc. A man who has lived with you for a year or more already understands everything perfectly.
Just tell him calmly that registering the relationship is important to you. And let him run further and offer you his hand and heart. Well, if not, then read above. It's easier to find someone else.
That's probably all there is to it.
The main thing is to decide to talk. And if there is a refusal, in any form, then break up with the man and look for another. If this situation is constant for you, then you need to change something in yourself. Work on self-esteem, parenting programs, etc. You can read more in my books in our online store by following the link or find out during.
In general, this is one of the moments in a relationship where a woman needs to show initiative, some kind of determination, courage and firmness.
Otherwise, I repeat, a sad situation can happen when a girl lived with a man for 5 years and then they quietly separated with a lot of mutual claims against each other, caused by the fact that the woman is dissatisfied and offended that the man did not marry her.
It is better for a woman to leave such a man earlier. Even a wedding and then a divorce is better than losing a few years and lowering your self-esteem.
Best regards, Rashid Kirranov.
Best regards, Rashid Kirranov.
The minor, the hero of Fonvizin’s work, declared to his parents:
“I don’t want to study, I want to get married.”
Of course, not from an abundance of love for family life, but from a reluctance to comprehend science. Modern men would most likely prefer to suffer and study for a long time than to rush to the registry office.
Psychologists state the problem of changing the form of the family; today many young couples live in a so-called “civil marriage”. And what’s interesting is that there is confusion in concepts, because a legal marriage, legally formalized, is what is called civilian because it's installed civil law. And what happens everywhere when young people live without a wedding is rather cohabitation, and although the expression sounds somewhat rude, this is exactly how this form of relationship is interpreted in jurisprudence.
The main reasons for “civil marriages”
Let's name the main reasons for so-called "civil marriages" or simply find out why men don't want to get married.
- First of all, this lack social guarantees for young people from the state. Today, the concept of student weddings, which existed 15-20 years ago, has practically disappeared. After university, young people are concerned about finding a job, then build a career, and somehow solve the housing problem.
- The notorious fear of taking responsibility for another person in our difficult and unstable times.
- Absence material base: there is no well-paid job, no apartment, no car, and sometimes no money for this very wedding. When everything is done, you can start a family.
- Fear lose freedom and change something in your already established life. As long as everyone is happy with everything - the couple is together, if problems arise - they separate without difficulty. But if there is a stamp in the passport, everything is not so simple and there may be aggravated consequences in the event of a divorce.
- The very attitude towards a wedding between a girl and a young man is completely different. If for her a wedding is the embodiment fairytale childhood dream: a white dress, a veil, a carriage and she is dazzlingly beautiful, then for him it is just a transition from one period of life to another, as they say, life “before” and “after”. The man argues: “Yes, what a wedding, what’s the difference and what can change stamp in the passport?»
- Negative experiences of divorce, which happen to others soon after marriage. It would seem like just yesterday that passionately loving people who get along well with each other suddenly changed at once. Discord began, the behavior of both one side and the other changed. Yesterday's bride, feeling that she is now a wife and there is no need for her to please her chosen one, begins to show her character. Newlyweds, unprepared for family life, simply give in to the daily responsibilities of everyday life.
- Very often this is lack of love. Sometimes, with protracted, unformed relationships, falling in love passes, but true love is in no hurry to take its place. There is a loss of freshness and acuity of feelings, relationships become sluggish, gray without a golden core. Romantic relationships are being replaced by, simply put, “everyday life”: the first complaints and disappointments begin to arise. And this situation does not cause a desire for marriage; rather, on the contrary, the potential groom doubts whether it is worth committing his life to this woman at all.
- It is not uncommon for the woman herself creates the preconditions for long-term civil marriages, she begins to live together with a man, without even trying set some conditions. A man already has everything he wants, why create additional problems for himself with marriage. Everything is easy and simple.
- It happens that the wedding process itself is scary, its organizational moment, preparation, turmoil, responsibility, nervousness and experiences of this period. But besides this, there is also the joy of the holiday, the beauty of the moment, emotions and a feeling of unprecedented happiness to see it in the eyes of your bride.
- And an equally common reason is that it simply doesn’t occur to the potential groom that it’s time to get married, that the girl has been waiting for the coveted marriage proposal for a long time. Therefore, a girl should not be afraid to hint or say directly: “Let’s get married!”
As you can see, there are enough reasons not to rush to the registry office. And it’s one thing if such a situation suits both parties, and another if a woman is waiting - she won’t wait for the cherished proposal, exhausting herself with thoughts, sometimes getting irritated by this, becoming intolerant, angry, and thereby worsening the relationship without even knowing it.
And although, often, a woman does not demonstrate her long-ripened desire to be a wife, believe me, everyone dreams of being proposed to, if, of course, there is love between them.
How and how to encourage a man to propose to a girl
What to do if the man you love doesn’t propose and doesn’t want to get married?
- If a girl is already ready for family life and is confident in her feelings, there is no need to wonder why she does not receive an invitation to the registry office. You just need to ask your loved one about it.
- If you can’t directly ask the question yourself, you can ask your close friends or relatives about this, let them casually ask your fiance’s opinion about your future together. But these must be trusted people whom you trust. Otherwise, there can only be harm from such participation.
- If there are reasons, you can try to solve them together or wait for a while. But you can wait your whole life... After all, there are quite frequent cases where people get used to this form of relationship, give birth to illegitimate children, and at the same time she considers herself married, and he considers himself a free person.
- In no case should you strive to please your potential groom, go through all sorts of tricks, change your style of behavior, be obsequious and fulfill all his whims. As noted, this does not give results, because the true reason for your reluctance to get married is not unknown to you.
Almost always, any woman wants to be a legal wife, and dreams of the treasured ring on her finger. Therefore, a man does not need to be dishonest with her, if, of course, she deserves to be called a wife. And if she is unworthy of marriage, you should not continue the relationship, you need to find the courage and strength to end it.
In any case, it is important to be able to find out the reason for what is happening and figure it out yourself. Sometimes it is not so simple, the opinion of a specialist is important. Perhaps the books of Leslie Garner, Brian Luke Seaward will help you “Crises are life lessons. Life in harmony (set of 2 books)" .
P.S. Psychologists and civil registry office workers state a fact growth in the first months of 2015 in the number of marriages and weddings despite the ongoing economic crisis. The reason lies in the fact that it is easier to optimize everyday expenses and solve the most complex problems together.
After all, it’s always easier to live together!
And I want them to tell you: “Let’s get married” :)
Leave your questions, opinions, tell us about your “civil marriage” relationship. How did this article help you?
The general conclusion: women are trying to demonstrate how good they are, and are ready to give men everything for free, and they will also give money on top. That's why men don't get married. Everything is there and just like that! Why change something if it works?
Women think that cohabitation is a demo version of the wife, and men just accept everything as it is. Although free cheese always guarantees that the mousetrap will soon slam shut, and most men suspect it. But nevertheless they shoot back to the last, as best they can.
Read the article to the end, and you will be prepared for any excuses.
By the way, if you have been together for a long time, he loves you, and may even promise to marry you, but never gets married - this article is for you with detailed instructions:
And now about excuses.
TOP men's excuses for getting married
Not ready.
The most popular excuse. How to cook it, is it really like borscht? Some women wait for years, then they can’t stand it and leave on their own, or the man still leaves on his own, and six months later he is already married to someone else. Surely each of you has similar examples around you.
Not ready - translated into human means: “I love you, but not so much as to go to the registry office.” And all the other excuses mean about the same thing. I will tell you what to do with this at the end of the article.
Everyone lives like this, we are not in the Stone Age, so that everything only happens after the wedding.
Yeah, everyone lives in scandals and divorces, nagging their husbands and cheating on each other, should we live like this now too?
The stamp doesn't mean anything.
So why not put this stamp? Can you imagine how easy it is to make me happier by giving just “nothing”!
Why should we get married, everything is fine with us?
I feel great with you, but I feel bad as a cohabitant. Since everything is really good with us, why don't we get married?
You don't need a person, but a stamp in your passport!
Without a stamp, it means you don’t need me, don’t you value me? The same thing if he, for example, said: “Do you need my loyalty or me? Without loyalty you don't need me? Love me, unfaithful, or drown me!” Do you need my care or me? My sex or me?
The same thing if a woman said: “Do you need my tenderness or me? My borscht or me? My beauty or me? So you can remove the entire skin, scale by scale, and there will be nothing left of the person.
Women need certainty and stability. Official registration just gives some guarantees and protection to the woman. It's not about the stamp or the wedding, but about the attitude. By registering a marriage, a man declares to the whole world that you are his woman, and no one has the right to claim you. He proves with his deeds that he has made the final choice and wants to spend the rest of his days with you and no one else.
In general, if he tells you so, in some cases you can think about it. Sometimes a woman is so obsessed with the idea of marriage that she absolutely does not care what kind of person is next to her. Let's get married and figure it out, he will change - she naively believes. A similar situation is shown very clearly in the humorous video at the end of the article. They are unlikely to have a happy family...
First you need to earn money for an apartment and a car.
At first glance, this approach may seem responsible. But do you live with him somewhere? You don't need your own apartment for cohabitation, but do you need it for a wedding? It's time to leave, since we haven't earned enough money to start a family yet.
No money for a wedding.
Marriage registration at the time of writing costs 350 rubles; if desired, you can add a dress for the bride and a suit for the groom, but this is not necessary. If a man claims that he wants a wedding “like people’s”, and you suspect that it’s not a wedding at all, but a reluctance, then you can say that you don’t need a wedding, the main thing for you is to be his wife, and not his cohabitant.
Is some kind of wedding more important to him than the peace and happiness of the woman he loves? If this was a real reason (which is unlikely, because usually women dream of a wedding, but not men), then he will simply agree to sign.
Why do we need to notify the state that we are sleeping together?
Tell him that this is exactly what you want - to notify the state and the whole world that you are now sleeping only with each other and with no one else, because you are family, and for a reason.
A good deal will not be called marriage.
And we won’t call it marriage, let’s call it family!
I'm not worthy of you, you need another man.
And the woman begins to kill herself, proving to him that he underestimates himself and deserves a lot, including her. But in fact, this is a classic way of breaking up. Most likely, he wants to say: “We need to break up, our relationship is over for me a long time ago, I’ve decided everything.” But he doesn’t want to humiliate the woman by this, so he tries to give her a chance to leave on her own. The best reaction to this is: “Too bad, I didn’t think so. But since you decided so, then as you wish, dear,” and proudly walk off into the sunset.
First you get pregnant, then we get married.
I described in vivid colors the horrors of pregnancy without marriage registration.
Marriage is not just about children. People get married, thus proving to each other that from now on they enjoy life together and overcome difficulties, dividing everything in half. A man takes responsibility for a woman, thereby proving that he is worthy of her giving birth to a child for him, because he is able to take it all out. Giving birth to a child is not as easy as sneezing, so a man will first have to prove his readiness not only in words.
I made an offer and that was it.
Yielding to an impulse, or under pressure from a girl, a man can propose and give a ring. And even talk about wedding plans. But then everything calms down, and again the same oppressive uncertainty... To avoid this, in response to his proposal, say that you need time to think. And after a couple of days or hours or at least minutes, say: “I thought, you are the best man in the world, I want to be with you always, and I agree to marry you, shall we go to the registry office this week or next? What day is convenient for you?” Because promising does not mean getting married, and you risk another disappointment.
We will talk more about this in future articles. Therefore, subscribe to updates at your convenience: on VKontakte, or on Telegram, or, and don’t miss anything.
My parents are against it.
This means that you don’t even have anything to wait for, they are unlikely to change their mind. For him, the opinion of his parents is more important than you, he is still small. And what makes you think that over time he will stop looking back at them? If by some miracle you marry him, then important decisions in the family will also be made by the advice of your parents, and not by you, and their hatred of you is guaranteed. Are you really ready for this?
I've had my heart broken before, I don't want that again.
Why should you pay for other people's mistakes? He sees you as an enemy waiting to break his heart. You can prove that you are not a camel ad infinitum, but you hardly have that much time.
Tell him the following: “I tried very hard to make you feel good and forget this wound, so that you understand that I am not at all like her. It seems that I didn’t succeed and for you we are the same. I’m very sorry, but I’ll have to let you go and look for your happiness, the one who can help you forget about everything.” And go into the sunset. If he needs you, he will do anything to get you back. If not, then you would have wasted a lot more time, unsuccessfully trying to patch up the holes in his heart (which may not really exist, because this could be an empty excuse for you to fall behind).
Now is not the right time.
Mortgage, finish your studies, get a promotion, complete renovations in your apartment... This means it’s the right time to put the relationship on hold until these long-awaited events come.
The stamp will ruin everything.
Yes, this happens often. Assure him that things will be different for you, that you will do everything possible to ensure that you have a happy family until you are old. Draw him a picture of your ideal family happiness. And really take steps towards this (preferably throughout your life, and not just before marriage). But don't talk too much about it - everything has a limit, and if it's an empty excuse, you'll still be wasting your time.
I'm still too young, it's too early for me to start a family.
That is, it’s not too early to have an actual wife, but it’s too early to take responsibility for her? How long should we wait? Until you turn 55?
We'll get married if you...
And then there are his conditions. This is worth listening to. If he asks you to lose weight or gain weight, learn to cook, grow your hair, stop yelling at him, make friends with his child from a previous relationship, find your own inspiring business, and anything else that does not break you as a person, then you can and even need to meet him halfway .
Take this seriously, because for him this may not be an excuse, but a truly important circumstance. But if he asks to have plastic surgery that you don’t need, or to allow him to walk on the left, or even to add a girlfriend to your relationship, then things smell like frying. Do you need a wedding at this price? And don't expect him to change his mind.
I doubt my feelings for you.
Compared to other excuses, this is already an honest answer, practically a guide to action, that it is better for you to look for another man, because this one is not in love with you. There is a chance that after breaking up, he will feel the full power of love for you and will do everything to get you back. But if you are afraid of losing him, you don’t have to leave, he will graciously allow you to continue to serve him until your patience runs out or he meets his “true love.”
As you can see, almost all excuses indicate that he is not afraid of losing you and does not really love you. To some extent, he still loves him, otherwise he would have left long ago, but not much. It is not easy to realize this, but it is still necessary in order for there to be an opportunity to change something.
I was in such a situation myself, and I understand perfectly well how you feel.
Fortunately, I was able to understand all this correctly and marry this amazing man, but once absolutely not ready to marry me. Half of the excuses on this list were about us.
For those who want to take their relationship with a man to a new level of love and happiness, and finally marry him on HIS initiative, my husband and I created a free Quest for Happy Brides. We are hosting it on VKontakte. I developed the quest classes based on my experience of consulting and bringing women to results since 2014. It includes only the simplest and most effective things, follow the link and sign up for free!
Give yourself a time limit during which you will improve your relationship. For example 3 months. And do your best.
If a man, despite everything, does not marry and does not leave, help him make up his mind. Leave him, move out of your shared home, break all contacts. If he doesn't really need you, he'll breathe a sigh of relief. Then be glad that you didn’t push him into marriage, otherwise you would have had an unenviable life with an unloving person. But if he feels that he feels bad without you, he will be happy to win you over again and propose.
Dear women, value and respect yourself first of all, do not live endlessly with a person who does not really need you. But also respect him, don’t try to force him into marriage at all costs, he is an adult living person and knows better what he needs. A broken wedding will not bring happiness to anyone. You will be ashamed to look him in the eye, and he will treat you badly and take revenge for the fact that you put the pressure on him, and sooner or later he will run away, unless something radically changes in your relationship.
Here is an interview with one of the girls I helped get married through coaching. Her results are impressive and inspiring! She also generously shares her secrets;)
A civil marriage is when a woman believes that she is married, and a man believes that he is free.
According to statistics, there are approximately 10% fewer married men than married women. Probably, this can only be explained by the fact that women living in an unregistered (civil-law, as they say now) marriage consider themselves married, and men call a spade a spade.
Although initially a civil marriage meant a marriage registered with government agencies, but not undergoing a wedding ceremony in a church. True, in legal language what we mean by civil marriage is called cohabitation. But gentle female ears do not want to hear such a phrase.
Can you imagine introducing your loved one to your friends? – Meet Seryozha, my roommate. Would you like to bear the proud title of “cohabitant” or have your daughter called that? So we come up with prettier names so that they don’t hurt the ears and offend the feelings. This is how you have to live: with illegitimate children, with illegitimate husbands.
How do you understand that your common-law husband will never dare to take you to the registry office?
Very often, a man and a woman who love each other live in a civil marriage and want to test their relationship and adapt to life together. There are three options for developing relationships:
1. After living together for some time, loving people understand that they feel good with each other, and go to sign and get married. Sometimes pregnancy pushes them to this - but this is not necessary; most likely, they themselves would have come to the decision to legitimize their relationship.
2. After living together for some time, lovers understand that their loved one is "the hero is not my novel" and part ways. On their own or under the influence of external circumstances and “well-wishing” relatives and friends.
3. Having lived together for some time... One of the “common-law spouses” (usually a woman, but sometimes it happens the other way around) starts to think that it’s time to get married– you’ve been testing your relationship for quite some time. You feel good together, now you can build a family nest and think about children - the clock is ticking. A biological watch, not those works of art from Cartier. The second husband also says that everything is fine and Why change something, they don’t look for good from good. You can have heirs later, and in general, the stamp in the passport does not affect the presence/absence of children in any way - there would be a desire, physiological and material capabilities.
This is where the conflicts begin: hidden (if a woman tries to tactfully bring her loved one to the idea of a family) or obvious (when, after several years of a calm life together, a woman can “go mad” and begin to sort things out about the status of the relationship, and the man makes a blank face - what’s the point of all this) .
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The reasons for not going to the registry office can be very diverse.
1. The princess will be caught, ringed and turned into Baba Yaga. While we are not married, my wife is silky, affectionate, cooks 5-course lunches and dinners, irons socks, gives massages, everything is possible in sex. As soon as I get married, he will take all the money, won’t let me go out with friends for beer, drink, lie on the couch and watch TV series. She will give birth to children, get fat and stop caring about me.
A) most likely, the man or his friends have already had a sad experience;
B) in childhood, his mother too often read him fairy tales about Ivan Tsarevich and the Frog Princess, perhaps the fairy tale was slightly modified and supplemented;
C) a man wants to have at least such an unreliable lever of pressure on you as a future trip to get a stamp (if you’re a good girl, we’ll get married), the period of probation and obedience is unlimited;
D) he really is not going to marry you, you are not the woman he dreams of, but it’s so convenient to have an obedient and loving woman at hand (and in other places), ready to do anything in order to get married .
2. A good deed will not be called a marriage.
A) he remembers too well the quarrels of his parents, brother or best friend, family is responsibilities and a complete headache;
B) you are not his dream, you already know the rest.
3. I'm not ready yet. Yes, dear, I love you, but I need to buy an apartment, become a general director (earn a million, fly into space, receive a Nobel Prize, ... Everyone has their own cockroaches, sorry, dreams in their head). The question of how many five-year labor it will take to buy an apartment, how many problems the general director has, and whether astronauts can have children remains open. How realistic are the goals set, whether they will become more feasible or whether they will remain in the realm of fantasy - too.
4. The girl was ahead of events.
A) after a declaration of love and several nights of love together, the girl hopes to immediately hear a marriage proposal, which is unlikely (her lover has not yet decided whether to stop dating other women and whether to call his ex-girlfriend), however, there are exceptions;
B) seeing (hearing, feeling) the dissatisfaction of his beloved, a man may decide ahead of time to “ring”.
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Conclusion
If a man doesn’t want to get married, you shouldn’t force him to the registry office or specifically try to get pregnant from him. He will never become a good husband, but why do you need a bad one? If you love him and are ready to wait and gradually convince him, wait and convince him. There are no guarantees that in 5-7 years he will not mature enough to think about family and children and will not begin to fulfill YOUR dreams with a younger and less tortured woman (and himself). If you are ready to give birth to a child and take responsibility for it, God help you, what if the paternal instinct awakens in him, but do not delude yourself, rely only on your own strength. If you have been living together for more than five years and he is still not ready, do you think he will have time to “ripen” before your retirement?
P.S. The article is humorous. Mostly. But there is some truth in every joke.
Source: http://lady.tut.by
