The problem is the initially incorrect relationship platform. There is a myth that people fall in love at first sight and their love will last forever. No one builds houses like that, no one gets a profession like that, and no one recovers like that. The next myth I realized. But this is very little. Awareness is wonderful, but it leads nowhere. Excluding the process of building relationships and taking it seriously leads to the abyss. We need to understand where we are going. Are we going together or separately? You know, irresponsibility sets the wrong direction for the process. I love my male clients. One of them told me: “I have a feeling that for 7 years there was the same woman, only with different hair.” And this became a discovery for me. Not a single girl stood out in any way.
I believe that a woman builds relationships. Do you know why I don't counsel couples? Because, as a rule, a man asks to prove that a woman is wrong. And he expects nothing else from the psychologist. I believe that a man only reacts to a woman. He won't react that way to a psychologist. I work with women only because I firmly believe that when a woman changes, a man’s attitude towards her changes. And when a woman is absolutely irresponsible about her life, about how she feels and how she lives and how she wants to live, then the man will not know what she wants.
1. It’s a mistake for a woman to talk a lot
The main mistake in a relationship is a lot of talking on the part of the woman. This is not just talk. This is when a woman says: “I’ll explain to you how to do it right! I know! You don’t know, you don’t even...” When a woman starts her moralizing instead of giving him space to think. Instead of explaining to him the reason for your sadness and bad mood. She begins her moralizing, for example, in the car... at a moment when he cannot even get out of it. And she continues to blow his mind all the way on an insignificant topic. Then they come home, eat, go to bed, have sex, and in the morning everything repeats.
2. It’s a mistake to go from one extreme to another.
Women have another common mistake. They constantly go from one extreme to another - accessibility is always and absolutely inaccessible. For example, my generation of girls was taught that sex was a woman's responsibility as a wife. It is very bad to refuse a man because there is a neighbor nearby who may agree.
When a woman is available to her partner regardless of his behavior in terms of intimacy and sex, she loses value, both for herself and for her partner. Because this is the basis of a relationship. These are roles. Student and teacher, mother and child, and only the roles of man and woman are connected by sex. This is a distinctive feature.
From this we can conclude that if a couple does not have normal sexual relations, then their future is predetermined? If a man has no sexual desire towards a woman or it disappears, then the relationship will collapse over time.
Can it be fixed? Yes. There are ways. If we dive deeply into physiology and remove morality and ethics, then we go to testosterone, which responds to endorphin. What is endorphin? This is a state of calm joy. Remember the women you saw in calm joy?
A little. Even very little.
When a woman takes the position of a tough leader or mother in the family, sexual attraction to her disappears. And why? Because in a man’s head, mother and sex are two different things. Mom is for love, but for sex you need to look for another woman. And when a woman constantly plays the role of mother in the family and independently initiates sexual relations, this is the worst situation that could happen. And the man finds another woman for sex. So what should I do? When we return mom to the role of a woman. What is a woman? These are two roles. A girl and an active mother. Not when the mother prevails and not when the girl prevails. A woman is a combination of a girl and a mother. In the compartment we get a calm, harmonious woman who knows how to show flexibility. Mom cannot be flexible because she is constantly worrying about something and must be correct. And a girl cannot be flexible simply because she is stupid. And they return the woman to understanding her emotions and her calm joy; in 90% of cases, relationships in the family improve. Many of my clients are reconsidering relationships and partners. And they tell me: “This is not what I expected.” Although before that she could have fought for a man for two years. Why is this happening? When a woman learns to feel herself, she understands what calm joy is. And he learns to find the tools to reach such a state. It is impossible to ignore such a woman hormonally and physiologically.
Will the man react unambiguously? Yes. This is feminine power. When this condition begins to prevail in a woman’s life, then there are more men. Their attention increases, compliments are given more often, and so on. Because “God testosterone” does not allow it to be ignored. Some men later understand the reason for her attraction, but most are unable to explain what exactly attracts them. Such a woman can have any external characteristics. She doesn't have to be super beautiful or super smart. With absolutely any external and internal qualities you can be happy and build a family.
Many women cultivate certain qualities in themselves. Responsibility, decency, loyalty, success, etc. If this quality brings inner calm joy, then yes. Then that's right. But internal development of qualities does not guarantee a happy relationship. The guarantee of a happy relationship is knowing your emotions and achieving calm joy yourself first. Because a man can only multiply what a woman has.
Women are waiting for a man to come who will do something and become good. It won't be good. Because the need for love is a basic need. We can only fulfill our basic needs on our own. And if a woman does not know how to satisfy her basic needs on her own, discontent will grow. Although, it would seem, she acts as she should and the man acts as they write in magazines. But she doesn't feel it. And this leads to people breaking up.
If you treat your pet poorly, do not feed it, scold it constantly. For example, I know a family that has a cat. And so the woman hates this cat, but the man loves it. Well, the cat doesn’t go to his mother! Therefore, if we talk about a man, then you can instruct him and everything else as much as you want, but sooner or later the things that tie him to the family will simply burst. And he will leave.
3. It’s a mistake to hit a tiger with a slipper.
A woman often tries to convey to a man that he does not correspond to her ideas. The woman constantly repeats statements such as: “You are lazy!”, “How much can you?”, “You never earn money,” “When will you make a decision?” etc. And conveying information from such a position will ultimately turn him into a cat who will not want to come to her.
I have this allegory when we take a tiger and hit it with a slipper every day. We tell him that he is not strong and you are not a tiger. Where do I see the mistake here? When a woman learns to feel her emotions and learn to declare, instead of judging the behavior of a man or himself, then there is a balance in communications.
I suggest that the woman say phrases such as “You know, I’m sad,” “You know, I’m very upset because I explained to you how important this is to me in the hope that you will understand me. Now I need to be alone. I'll clean myself up and then we'll discuss. OK?" Thus, the woman gives the man responsibility for her condition. It is very important. Because all women expect responsibility. A man is an absolutely comfortable creature who doesn’t really like extra responsibility. It is much easier for him to make a woman feel comfortable than to later be responsible for the fact that his woman is sad.
4. It’s a mistake to not know what a state of happiness is.
I have been working for 15 years and for a long time I did not understand why girls with completely different statuses, ages, experiences and upbringings make the same mistakes. And what did I understand? The responsibility of parents is enormous. Parents should give their daughter the experience of happiness, by which she will later identify herself in society. For example, I was not taught to feel happiness. And when a girl goes out into life, she does not know what a state of happiness is. She knows the state of fragmented rewards for good grades, good behavior, or anything else. And so she goes out into life not knowing what happiness is and meets a man who says: “I am happiness!” She takes him to her place. 2-3 years pass, and she does not feel happy.
The mistake women make is that they think it is their fault that they are unhappy. Because she doesn't know how it is. And a blind woman up to 40 years old learns this. Although this should be given in childhood. And today the main task of parents is to convey to their children what happiness is.
Why do children go through divorce? Because parents are worried. If the mother is upset about the divorce, then the child will be traumatized. I did research on this topic. I asked the question: “Dad left. It was a tragedy. How did your mother behave?” And my mother suffered from tragedies for several years. And this mother no longer gives her child a feeling of happiness. Many of my clients’ children come up to them and say: “Let him leave already. Let him go." They understand that when dad is not at home, it is nice and comfortable there. They dance, sing, have fun. Dad comes and tension happens. Everyone gets tense, including the child. And in this case, it will not be a trauma for the child if the mother does not declare this.
Unless the parents find a way to remove all this tension. It turns out that we are returning to where we started. If a woman nurtures and cultivates a feeling of calm joy, she solves two problems. She passes the feeling on to her children.
5. It’s a mistake not to show affection and not to cultivate it in children.
A friend of mine has a son and he is 7 years old. And my daughter is 3 years old. When his daughter approaches him, she shows affection. By and large, nature shows a girl’s behavior model. If a woman behaved like this all the time, then the man would have no chance of remaining indifferent. But where does all this disappear with age? Why do you start communicating with a girl, you need to wait so long for her to cling to you. When women were children, they did this unconsciously. Why does it need to be taught again?
This is anxiety. Experience from previous relationships. When a girl has been deceived three times, she begins to think: “What if he doesn’t need this? What if he pushes me away?
When I cling to him, say a kind word, then he will have no choice to be bad. Our children are the same way. First, you must always accept their feelings. If she cries, you should never tell her that she is crying because of nonsense. It must be said that you would also cry if I were you. You need to empathize. One tool is to let your child know that he is okay.
It's very easy to empathize. Even if you don’t empathize, it’s enough to say: “I would do that too.” And then the child understands that everything is fine with him. When a child is told: “No! Well, as much as possible!”, he gets the feeling that not everything is all right with him. Because he is different from his parents.
You need to tell your children: “In any situation, I am with you.” And you need to stop yourself from moralizing. Many people say: “I’m with you in any situation, but listen, when I was your age...”. And it begins.
If a person is busy improving his life, then he will not interfere in teenage life. Moreover, teenagers choose egoists as authorities. Those who break the rules, those who are strong, those who don't care. And when a mother is subject to public opinion and believes that she needs to stand quietly, evenly and not stand out, they will not be authorities. The authority for the child will be the one who strives to satisfy his healthy egoism. That is, such a person strives for joy and happiness. And if a woman decides to cultivate calm joy in herself, she solves a lot of issues. Both in relationships and with children. Why? Because I want to be proud of my mother. And when a mother suffers for 18 years, how can a daughter come to her for advice? She herself doesn’t understand or know anything. After all, she herself lived a bad life.
6. It’s a mistake not to help a man learn to speak.
A man must learn to speak. The main problem that is voiced in my consultations. When a man doesn't talk, a woman feels unwanted. The problem is that men make plans alone and do not discuss them with a woman. If a man said: “Today I’m working in order to buy us a house in three years,” then the woman would happily support him. In the eyes of a man, if he lives with her, comes home and eats soup, then he loves her. But a woman doesn’t understand this. Women ask me: “How can I understand that he doesn’t look at me much, comes late and sleeps in another room?” When I ask this question to men, they answer: “Well, I’m with her! Everything is fine". You need to talk to women. You need to say: “I’m tired. Prepare me this dish." And the woman will be happy.
How to convey to men that you need it?
The fact is that women see in detail. That is, they make up an overall picture from fragments. And men see the big picture. And when small details change, it is not very important, since the overall picture remains intact. When the overall picture changes, a man begins to think that something needs to be changed. It is necessary to remove at least one link from the overall picture. For example, she didn’t get up in the morning and didn’t feed her breakfast, didn’t prepare dinner, and so on. Explaining this by saying that you need to hear how much your husband needs you. "Please tell me I'm important." When a woman does something and asks a man: “How’s it going?” An explosion occurs in the man's head. He thinks that if he says it now and doesn’t get it, there will be a scandal. You need to be more specific: “Tell me how good I am,” “Tell me that I am valuable to you, I need it.” There is one good game. When your man asks you to do something, for example, asks you where his shirt is or asks you to make tea. You tell him the following: “Three words that are important to me, and I will tell you where your shirt is” or “5 kind words and you will have the best tea in the world.” A man really needs to be trained for some time to constantly say such words to you. Later, the man will independently use this tool in communicating with a woman.
7. It’s a mistake to not work on your beauty.
Why does a woman, when she goes out, stand in front of the mirror for hours and want to look a little better for strangers, but does not find time to look good at home for her man? This happens because the woman is worried about public opinion. Her man is already nearby. It is much more important to her that it is not her husband who says something wonderful, but someone else who tells her husband how beautiful his wife is.
This is not a completely healthy position and needs to be eradicated. I believe that being beautiful is a woman’s job for the rest of her life. It doesn't matter how old she is. It doesn't matter who she works for. If she stops appreciating what she was given from birth, she is not using her full potential. This should not turn into fanaticism, when a woman even before the man wakes up puts on a show. But under no circumstances should you let yourself go. The story you are talking about indicates that the woman is lost and does not feel her worth. Does not realize responsibility for his family.
This is the same as: “Let’s not quarrel, otherwise the neighbors will hear.”
How can a girl understand at some point that she is letting herself go? How can you recognize this for yourself?
It's easy to understand. When a girl, seeing another more or less well-groomed woman, begins to experience internal discomfort. This means that she has forgotten herself a little.
How to quickly regain your feeling of joy?
The easiest thing is food. This is the easiest way to find pleasure. But if a woman makes it a rule to have one pleasure a day, then she will know in what state and what will bring her pleasure. When a woman wakes up, she should ask herself the question: “What pleasure will I give myself today?” And if there is no answer, then you need to go through it until something clicks in your head.
Simple techniques to be happy!
How to start the day in order to charge yourself with a good mood for the whole day?
- Think: “What pleasure will I give myself today?”
- Breakfast should be very tasty. It doesn't have to be correct. It must be delicious!
- You need to spend as much time as possible in clothes when you are at home. Why? Because clothes are our protection. The less we wear clothes, the less protection we use. Then there are simple breathing exercises that will be very useful.
- To make the day as good as possible, walk 4 kilometers a day. It shouldn't be here, 500 meters here, 500 meters there. You need to walk four kilometers at once.
- Drink water! Flush depression from your body.
- Tell yourself: “I approve of myself!” As often as possible.
- In short, do what you love in the morning. And the day will start well.
- And there is one more good tip. Do nothing once a week. Nothing at all. You can’t make your bed, eat yogurt, go to the gym, etc. This is a very important procedure.
- From all the theories and knowledge, choose only those tools that suit you best.
- Study your emotions - this helps both in corporate and personal relationships.
Like many, I traveled to Tibet to find answers about happiness. Did not find. It was cold, hungry and scary there. I was there for three weeks and once a week I had the opportunity to ask a question to the sage monk.
You spend a whole week thinking about the question. And one of his answers became a rule for me for the rest of my life. I asked: “How to determine what is really important?” And he answered: “When you have such a question, you must imagine that you are living the last hour of your life. If this topic is included in the last hour of your life, then it is important.”
My secret to happiness is that there are no guarantees. The world is not stable. Everything can change at any moment. And if I don’t take the maximum today, then tomorrow I may regret it.
There is a myth that people fall in love at first sight and their love lasts forever. However, no one builds houses like that, no one gets a profession like that, and no one recovers like that.
Psychologist Anna Iotko says:
I believe that a woman builds relationships. Do you know why I don't counsel couples? Because, as a rule, a man asks to prove that a woman is wrong. And he expects nothing else from the psychologist. I believe that a man only reacts to a woman. He won't react that way to a psychologist. I work with women only because I firmly believe that when a woman changes, a man’s attitude towards her changes.
This article contains the 7 most common mistakes I have encountered.
Mistake #1: You read a lot of morals.
Photo pixabay
The main mistake in a relationship is a lot of talking on the part of the woman. And this is not just talk. This is when, instead of explaining the reason for her sadness, she says: “I’ll explain to you how to do it right! I know! You don’t know, you don’t even…” She begins her moralizing, for example, in the car, at a moment when he cannot even get out of it. And she continues to blow his mind all the way on an insignificant topic. Then they come home, eat, go to bed, have sex, and in the morning everything repeats.
Mistake No. 2: You are thrown from one extreme to another
Photo pixabay
Women have another common mistake. They constantly go to the extreme - “always accessible” or “absolutely inaccessible”. There are 2 points:
1. When a woman is available to her partner for intimacy regardless of his behavior, she loses value both for herself and for her partner.
2. When a woman takes the position of a tough leader or “mother” in the family, sexual attraction to her disappears. Because in a man’s head, “mom” and “sex” are two different things. “Mom” is for love, but for sex you need to look for another woman.
A woman is a combination of a girl and a mother. Together we get a calm, harmonious woman who knows how to show flexibility. Mom cannot be flexible because she is constantly worrying about something and has to be right. And a girl cannot be flexible simply because she is stupid.
When a woman learns to feel herself, she understands what calm joy is. And he learns to find the tools to reach such a state.
Women are waiting for a man to come and do something and make things good. It won't be good. Because the need for love is a basic need. We can only fulfill our basic needs on our own. And, if a woman does not know how to satisfy her basic needs on her own, dissatisfaction will increase. Although, it would seem, she acts as she should, and the man acts as they write in magazines. But she doesn't feel it. And this leads to people breaking up.
Mistake #3: You hit the tiger with a slipper
Photo pixabay
A woman often tries to convey to a man that he does not correspond to her ideas. She constantly repeats statements such as: “You are lazy!”, “How much can you?”, “You never earn money,” “When will you make a decision?” And conveying information to him from such a position will ultimately turn him into a “cat” who will not want to come to her.
I have this allegory when we take a tiger and hit it with a slipper every day. We tell him that he is not strong and not a tiger. I suggest women say phrases like “You know, I'm sad,” “You know, I'm very upset because I explained to you how important this is to me, in the hope that you will understand me.”
Thus, the woman gives the man responsibility for her condition. It is very important. Because all women expect responsibility. He is an absolutely comfortable creature who doesn’t really like extra responsibility. And it is much easier for a representative of the stronger half of humanity to make a woman feel comfortable than to later be responsible for the fact that she is sad.
Mistake #4: You Don't Realize What Happiness Is
Photo pixabay
I have been working for 15 years and for a long time I did not understand why girls with completely different statuses, ages, experiences and upbringings make the same mistakes. And what did I understand? The responsibility of parents is enormous. Parents should give their daughter the experience of happiness, by which she will later identify herself in society. For example, I was not taught to feel happiness. And when a girl goes out into life, she doesn’t know what a state of happiness is.. She knows the state of fragmented rewards for good grades, good behavior, or anything else. And so she goes out into life, not knowing what happiness is, and meets a man who says: “I am happiness!” She takes him to her place. 2-3 years pass, and she does not feel happy.
The main task of parents is to convey to their children what happiness is. And, if a woman nurtures and cultivates in herself a feeling of calm joy, she solves two problems at once.
Mistake #5: You don't raise affectionate children.
Photo pixabay
A friend of mine has a daughter who is 3 years old. When she approaches him, she immediately shows affection. By and large, nature shows a girl’s behavior model. If a woman behaved like this all the time, then the man would have no chance of remaining indifferent. But where does all this disappear with age? Why, when you start communicating with a girl, do you have to wait so long for her to cling to you? When women were children, they did this unconsciously. Why do they need to be taught this again?
This is anxiety. Experience from previous relationships. When a girl has been deceived three times, she begins to think: “What if he doesn’t need this? What if he pushes me away?
When I cling to him, say a kind word, then he will have no choice to be bad. The same is true for our children. First, you must always accept their feelings. If your daughter cries, you should never tell her that she is crying because of nonsense. It must be said that you would also cry in her place. You need to empathize. One tool is to let your child know that he is okay. You need to say: “In any situation, I am with you.” And you need to stop yourself from moralizing. Many people say: “I’m with you in any situation, but listen, when I was your age...” And it begins...
Mistake #6: You don't let your man talk
Photo pixabay
A man must learn to speak. When he doesn't talk, the woman feels unwanted. The problem is that they make plans alone and do not discuss them with the woman. If he says: “Today I am working in order to buy us a house in three years,” then the woman will happily support him. In the eyes of a man, if he lives with her, comes home and eats soup, it means he loves her. But a woman doesn’t understand this. Women ask: “How can I understand that he doesn’t look at me much, comes late and sleeps in another room?” When I ask this question to men, they answer: “Well, I’m with her! Everything is fine". You need to talk to women. You need to say: “I’m tired. Prepare me this dish." And she will be happy.
How to convey to men that you need this?
The fact is that women see in detail. That is, they make up an overall picture from fragments. And men see the big picture. When a woman does something and asks a man: “How’s it going?”, an explosion occurs in his head. He thinks that if he says it now and doesn’t get it, there will be a scandal.
There is one good game. When your man asks you to do something, for example, asks you where his shirt is, or asks you to make tea, you tell him the following: “Three words that are important to me, and I will tell you where your shirt is” or “5 affectionate words, and you will have the best tea in the world.” A man really needs to be trained for some time to constantly say such words to you. Later he will use this tool independently.
Mistake #7: You are not aware of your beauty
Photo pixabay
Why does a woman, when she goes out, stand in front of the mirror for hours and want to look a little better for strangers, but does not take the time to look good at home for her man? This happens because the woman is worried about public opinion. Her man is already nearby. It is much more important to her that it is not her husband who says something wonderful, but someone else who tells her husband how beautiful his wife is.
This is not a very healthy position and needs to be eradicated. I believe that being beautiful is a woman's job for the rest of her life. It doesn't matter how old she is. It doesn't matter who she works for. Under no circumstances should you let yourself go.
Simple techniques to be happy:
- Think: “What pleasure will I give myself today?”
- Walk 4 kilometers a day. It shouldn’t be “here 500 meters now, 500 meters later.” You need to walk 4 kilometers at once.
- Drink water! Flush depression from your body.
- Tell yourself: “I approve of myself!” As often as possible.
- In short: do what you love in the morning. And the day will start well.
- And there is another good tip: do nothing once a week. Nothing at all. You can’t make your bed, eat yogurt, go to the gym, etc. This is a very important procedure.
Like many, I traveled to Tibet to find answers about happiness. Did not find. It was cold, hungry and scary there. I was there for three weeks, and once a week I had the opportunity to ask a question to the sage monk. My secret to happiness is that there are no guarantees. The world is unstable. Everything can change at any moment. And if I don’t take the maximum today, then tomorrow I may regret it.
The relationship between a man and a woman is a mystery that we solve throughout our lives. Some successfully cope with their family problems, while others become hostage to their own mistakes for a long time.
This article offers for consideration 7 mistakes which, one way or another, most women commit. The peculiarity of this list of mistakes is that they were highlighted by a woman. And not just a simple one, but a practicing psychologist.
Of course, after reading, some ladies may be outraged by certain statements and begin to sharply criticize them in the comments.
But if this article helps at least someone, the author’s goal will be achieved.
Before we begin, I would like to draw your attention to. Be sure to read at least some of them.
So, let's begin.
You say a lot of reproaches
It would seem that this mistake is an innocent prank of any woman. However, in practice, this quite often becomes a serious obstacle to the development of normal relationships between a man and a woman.
“You are a very lazy person,” “I knew it wouldn’t work out for you,” “you always do this,” “it’s obvious from your kinship that this is the case” - such reproaches are a standard set of communication for many couples.
You should be careful not to completely cut him off from yourself and your family at one point.
What to do when he is really “crooked” or “rude”, etc., etc.?
First of all, you should remember that you are a woman. There is absolutely no point in hushing up the existing problem. However, before making a remark or pointing out a mistake to your husband, take a break and think about the best form in which to implement your plan.
An interesting fact is that for many women this mistake becomes a real way of life: they simply cannot imagine their existence without regularly “pecking” their loved one.
You go to extremes
It's about sex. In my practice, quite often there are two types of women: some are too accessible, regardless of the behavior of their partner, and the second, on the contrary, are too strict and unreasonably unattainable.
Both the first and the other are extremes that should be categorically avoided in relationships with a man. This is where the issue lies.
A woman wants to take care of her man, and that's normal. But if their relationship stops there, he subconsciously perceives you as “mom.” Therefore, he decides automatically, he needs to look for another woman for sex.
If you are focused only on sex, the man perceives you as a “girl”. But he quickly gets tired of this, because he also wants simple human relationships.
The secret of a smart wife is to be both a “mom” and a “girl” depending on the circumstances.
If you position yourself in such a way that your husband wants to imitate you, like his once wise mother, and at the same time see in you “what a lovely, stupid girl,” then rest assured that he will not run away from you.
You constantly read moral lectures
The third mistake is that you cannot remain silent even when your partner is fully aware of his mistake. And even knowing this, the woman still begins to tell him “as it should have been.”
He understands this perfectly well even without you, and if you abuse this, then sooner or later he will begin to subconsciously perceive you as a negative object.
This becomes a habit, and then the couple cannot understand why they are uncomfortable with each other, and instead of enjoying their life together, they simply “tolerate” each other.
You are not aware of your happiness
Having worked with women of different ages, social status and status for almost 20 years, one cannot help but notice their typical mistakes. One of them is a lack of understanding of one’s own happiness.
The fact is that happiness is a state of mind, and all psychologists agree that this state should be cultivated in oneself.
You have a husband (some people don’t have one), children (and this is the future), some income (albeit not much, but still you don’t have to ask for bread). Isn’t it possible to value this, even if you don’t have all of it, but only a part?
So, when a woman knows how to realize her happiness, which for many is a gray routine, they are then able to pass on these same feelings to their children.
Lack of tenderness
A lack or complete absence of tenderness is a significant mistake that can have a very negative impact on the family in general, and on the relationship between spouses in particular.
Children, seeing very stingy manifestations of feelings towards themselves from their parents and between themselves, grow up in such an atmosphere. And then, after creating her own family, it will be very difficult for a woman to make up for what was not laid down by her parents since childhood.
If we speak for men, then on a subconscious level they perceive a woman as an object of tenderness and affection. Even at the moment when you are in a quarrel: this is how their brain works.
And don’t think that your husband doesn’t care about manifestations of tenderness on your part if he reacts to them with stingy male approval, bordering on indifference. In fact, men are designed in such a way that they pathologically need tenderness from their beloved.
So don't let their mean reactions offend you if you really want to build a strong relationship.
If you don't think about it, there's a good chance that this mistake will cost you dearly.
Let's talk to the man
At first glance, it may seem that this is not a mistake at all, but a problem for men themselves if they do not want to talk about their experiences to a woman.
In fact, it depends on the woman whether her lover will share plans with her, fantasize and, finally, simply brag - or not.
Therefore, when your husband begins to tell you some of his ideas, do not ridicule them under any circumstances, even if they are frankly unpromising. Know how to listen!
Moreover, when he tells some stupid story about how he happened to prove himself to be a “hero” somewhere, try to naturally admire him, or at least speak approvingly in honor of his “valor.” But don’t even think about making fun of him or trying to belittle his “heroism”!
Small steps like these will encourage him to continue the conversations that are so important to building a healthy, strong relationship.
You don't strive to be beautiful/attractive
This is perhaps one of the most pressing mistakes for any woman. When you have been living together for more than one year, and your husband has seen you in a variety of roles (in holey socks, with a disheveled head, without makeup, etc.), then there is a high risk of relaxing and not thinking about your attractiveness at home.
In fact, any man secretly dreams that his beloved is sexy and attractive not only in bed, but also simply when doing household chores. At least sometimes.
Surprisingly, the vast majority of women do not even think about it, thinking in the style of “I can satisfy him in bed.”
This is all good, but here we are talking about something a little different. By nature, men are owners and when they own something, they want it to be the best.
So, when you have gained weight after giving birth and don’t want to take care of yourself, you eat for two, and don’t even think about physical exercise, rest assured that your husband does not enjoy looking at your legs, buttocks, etc. and so on.
And given the fact that on the street, at work, and everywhere else, a lot of “luscious girls” show off their charms, things are turning out to be extremely unfavorable for you.
But when you know how to dress correctly at home, simply but at the same time attractively, emphasizing your advantages, your husband will always lust after you and subconsciously be drawn to you.
This point is extremely important, so it is worth treating it with special attention and seriousness.
Here, in general, are all 7 mistakes that the fair sex makes most often.
I repeat that some readers may categorically disagree with these observations, but they will certainly help someone. Moreover, even as a practicing psychologist, I in no way claim to be the ultimate truth.
And the point here is not at all that “again a woman owes something to someone.” It’s just that since prehistoric times it has been known that it is the woman who is the organizer of the family hearth, so we, dear girls, need to think about this, first of all.
Finally, I’ll give you a wonderful English proverb that has personally inspired and motivated me more than once in building my relationship with my husband:
“Behind every great man there is an equally great woman.”
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Psychologist Anna Iotko about the most common mistakes women make that destroy relationships and how to get into the 1% of happiest women in the world
The problem is the initially incorrect relationship platform. There is a myth that people fall in love at first sight and their love will last forever. No one builds houses like that, no one gets a profession like that, and no one recovers like that. The next myth I realized. But this is very little. Awareness is wonderful, but it leads nowhere. Excluding the process of building relationships and taking it seriously leads to the abyss. We need to understand where we are going. Are we going together or separately? You know, irresponsibility sets the wrong direction for the process. I love my male clients. One of them told me: “I have a feeling that for 7 years there was the same woman, only with different hair.” And this became a discovery for me. Not a single girl stood out in any way.
I believe that a woman builds relationships. Do you know why I don't counsel couples? Because, as a rule, a man asks to prove that a woman is wrong. And he expects nothing else from the psychologist. I believe that a man only reacts to a woman. He won't react that way to a psychologist. I work with women only because I firmly believe that when a woman changes, a man’s attitude towards her changes. And when a woman is absolutely irresponsible about her life, about how she feels and how she lives and how she wants to live, then the man will not know what she wants.
1. It’s a mistake for a woman to talk a lot
The main mistake in a relationship is a lot of talking on the part of the woman. This is not just talk. This is when a woman says: “I’ll explain to you how to do it right!” I know! You don’t know, you don’t even…” When a woman starts her moralizing instead of giving him space to think. Instead of explaining to him the reason for your sadness and bad mood. She begins her moralizing, for example, in the car... at a moment when he cannot even get out of it. And she continues to blow his mind all the way on an insignificant topic. Then they come home, eat, go to bed, have sex, and in the morning everything repeats.
2. It’s a mistake to go from one extreme to another.
Women have another common mistake. They constantly go from one extreme to another - accessibility is always and absolutely inaccessible. For example, my generation of girls was taught that sex was a woman's responsibility as a wife. It is very bad to refuse a man because there is a neighbor nearby who may agree.
When a woman is available to her partner regardless of his behavior in terms of intimacy and sex, she loses value, both for herself and for her partner. Because this is the basis of a relationship. These are roles. Student and teacher, mother and child, and only the roles of man and woman are connected by sex. This is a distinctive feature.
From this we can conclude that if a couple does not have normal sexual relations, then their future is predetermined? If a man has no sexual desire towards a woman or it disappears, then the relationship will collapse over time.
Can it be fixed? Yes. There are ways. If we dive deeply into physiology and remove morality and ethics, then we go to testosterone, which responds to endorphin. What is endorphin? This is a state of calm joy. Remember the women you saw in calm joy?
A little. Even very little.
When a woman takes the position of a tough leader or mother in the family, sexual attraction to her disappears. And why? Because in a man’s head, mother and sex are two different things. Mom is for love, but for sex you need to look for another woman. And when a woman constantly plays the role of mother in the family and independently initiates sexual relations, this is the worst situation that could happen. And the man finds another woman for sex. So what should I do? When we return mom to the role of a woman. What is a woman? These are two roles. A girl and an active mother. Not when the mother prevails and not when the girl prevails. A woman is a combination of a girl and a mother. In the compartment we get a calm, harmonious woman who knows how to show flexibility. Mom cannot be flexible because she is constantly worrying about something and must be correct. And a girl cannot be flexible simply because she is stupid. And they return the woman to understanding her emotions and her calm joy; in 90% of cases, relationships in the family improve. Many of my clients are reconsidering relationships and partners. And they tell me: “This is not what I expected.” Although before that she could have fought for a man for two years. Why is this happening? When a woman learns to feel herself, she understands what calm joy is. And he learns to find the tools to reach such a state. It is impossible to ignore such a woman hormonally and physiologically.
Will the man react unambiguously? Yes. This is feminine power. When this condition begins to prevail in a woman’s life, then there are more men. Their attention increases, compliments are given more often, and so on. Because “God testosterone” does not allow it to be ignored. Some men later understand the reason for her attraction, but most are unable to explain what exactly attracts them. Such a woman can have any external characteristics. She doesn't have to be super beautiful or super smart. With absolutely any external and internal qualities you can be happy and build a family.
Many women cultivate certain qualities in themselves. Responsibility, decency, loyalty, success, etc. If this quality brings inner calm joy, then yes. Then that's right. But internal development of qualities does not guarantee a happy relationship. The guarantee of a happy relationship is knowing your emotions and achieving calm joy yourself first. Because a man can only multiply what a woman has.
Women are waiting for a man to come who will do something and become good. It won't be good. Because the need for love is a basic need. We can only fulfill our basic needs on our own. And if a woman does not know how to satisfy her basic needs on her own, discontent will grow. Although, it would seem, she acts as she should and the man acts as they write in magazines. But she doesn't feel it. And this leads to people breaking up.
If you treat your pet poorly, do not feed it, scold it constantly. For example, I know a family that has a cat. And so the woman hates this cat, but the man loves it. Well, the cat doesn’t go to his mother! Therefore, if we talk about a man, then you can instruct him and everything else as much as you want, but sooner or later the things that tie him to the family will simply burst. And he will leave.
3. It’s a mistake to hit a tiger with a slipper.
A woman often tries to convey to a man that he does not correspond to her ideas. The woman constantly repeats statements such as: “You are lazy!”, “How much can you?”, “You never earn money,” “When will you make a decision?” etc. And conveying information from such a position will ultimately turn him into a cat who will not want to come to her.
I have this allegory when we take a tiger and hit it with a slipper every day. We tell him that he is not strong and you are not a tiger. Where do I see the mistake here? When a woman learns to feel her emotions and learn to declare, instead of judging the behavior of a man or himself, then there is a balance in communications.
I suggest that the woman say phrases such as “You know, I’m sad,” “You know, I’m very upset because I explained to you how important this is to me in the hope that you will understand me. Now I need to be alone. I'll clean myself up and then we'll discuss. OK?" Thus, the woman gives the man responsibility for her condition. It is very important. Because all women expect responsibility. A man is an absolutely comfortable creature who doesn’t really like extra responsibility. It is much easier for him to make a woman feel comfortable than to later be responsible for the fact that his woman is sad.
4. It’s a mistake to not know what a state of happiness is.
I have been working for 15 years and for a long time I did not understand why girls with completely different statuses, ages, experiences and upbringings make the same mistakes. And what did I understand? The responsibility of parents is enormous. Parents should give their daughter the experience of happiness, by which she will later identify herself in society. For example, I was not taught to feel happiness. And when a girl goes out into life, she does not know what a state of happiness is. She knows the state of fragmented rewards for good grades, good behavior, or anything else. And so she goes out into life not knowing what happiness is and meets a man who says: “I am happiness!” She takes him to her place. 2-3 years pass, and she does not feel happy.
The mistake women make is that they think it is their fault that they are unhappy. Because she doesn't know how it is. And a blind woman up to 40 years old learns this. Although this should be given in childhood. And today the main task of parents is to convey to their children what happiness is.
Why do children go through divorce? Because parents are worried. If the mother is upset about the divorce, then the child will be traumatized. I did research on this topic. I asked the question: “Dad left. It was a tragedy. How did your mother behave?” And my mother suffered from tragedies for several years. And this mother no longer gives her child a feeling of happiness. Many of my clients’ children come up to them and say: “Let him leave already. Let him go." They understand that when dad is not at home, it is nice and comfortable there. They dance, sing, have fun. Dad comes and tension happens. Everyone gets tense, including the child. And in this case, it will not be a trauma for the child if the mother does not declare this.
Unless the parents find a way to remove all this tension. It turns out that we are returning to where we started. If a woman nurtures and cultivates a feeling of calm joy, she solves two problems. She passes the feeling on to her children.
5. It’s a mistake not to show affection and not to cultivate it in children.
A friend of mine has a son and he is 7 years old. And my daughter is 3 years old. When his daughter approaches him, she shows affection. By and large, nature shows a girl’s behavior model. If a woman behaved like this all the time, then the man would have no chance of remaining indifferent. But where does all this disappear with age? Why do you start communicating with a girl, you need to wait so long for her to cling to you. When women were children, they did this unconsciously. Why does it need to be taught again?
This is anxiety. Experience from previous relationships. When a girl has been deceived three times, she begins to think: “What if he doesn’t need this? What if he pushes me away?
When I cling to him, say a kind word, then he will have no choice to be bad. Our children are the same way. First, you must always accept their feelings. If she cries, you should never tell her that she is crying because of nonsense. It must be said that you would also cry if I were you. You need to empathize. One tool is to let your child know that he is okay.
It's very easy to empathize. Even if you don’t empathize, it’s enough to say: “I would do that too.” And then the child understands that everything is fine with him. When a child is told: “No! Well, as much as possible!”, he gets the feeling that not everything is all right with him. Because he is different from his parents.
You need to tell your children: “In any situation, I am with you.” And you need to stop yourself from moralizing. Many people say: “I’m with you in any situation, but listen, when I was your age...”. And it begins.
If a person is busy improving his life, then he will not interfere in teenage life. Moreover, teenagers choose egoists as authorities. Those who break the rules, those who are strong, those who don't care. And when a mother is subject to public opinion and believes that she needs to stand quietly, evenly and not stand out, they will not be authorities. The authority for the child will be the one who strives to satisfy his healthy egoism. That is, such a person strives for joy and happiness. And if a woman decides to cultivate calm joy in herself, she solves a lot of issues. Both in relationships and with children. Why? Because I want to be proud of my mother. And when a mother suffers for 18 years, how can a daughter come to her for advice? She herself doesn’t understand or know anything. After all, she herself lived a bad life.
6. It’s a mistake not to help a man learn to speak.
A man must learn to speak. The main problem that is voiced in my consultations. When a man doesn't talk, a woman feels unwanted. The problem is that men make plans alone and do not discuss them with a woman. If a man said: “Today I’m working in order to buy us a house in three years,” then the woman would happily support him. In the eyes of a man, if he lives with her, comes home and eats soup, then he loves her. But a woman doesn’t understand this. Women ask me: “How can I understand that he doesn’t look at me much, comes late and sleeps in another room?” When I ask this question to men, they answer: “Well, I’m with her! Everything is fine". You need to talk to women. You need to say: “I’m tired. Prepare me this dish." And the woman will be happy.
How to convey to men that you need it?
The fact is that women see in detail. That is, they make up an overall picture from fragments. And men see the big picture. And when small details change, it is not very important, since the overall picture remains intact. When the overall picture changes, a man begins to think that something needs to be changed. It is necessary to remove at least one link from the overall picture. For example, she didn’t get up in the morning and didn’t feed her breakfast, didn’t prepare dinner, and so on. Explaining this by saying that you need to hear how much your husband needs you. "Please tell me I'm important." When a woman does something and asks a man: “How’s it going?” An explosion occurs in the man's head. He thinks that if he says it now and doesn’t get it, there will be a scandal. You need to be more specific: “Tell me how good I am,” “Tell me that I am valuable to you, I need it.” There is one good game. When your man asks you to do something, for example, asks you where his shirt is or asks you to make tea. You tell him the following: “Three words that are important to me, and I will tell you where your shirt is” or “5 kind words and you will have the best tea in the world.” A man really needs to be trained for some time to constantly say such words to you. Later, the man will independently use this tool in communicating with a woman.
7. It’s a mistake to not work on your beauty.
Why does a woman, when she goes out, stand in front of the mirror for hours and want to look a little better for strangers, but does not find time to look good at home for her man? This happens because the woman is worried about public opinion. Her man is already nearby. It is much more important to her that it is not her husband who says something wonderful, but someone else who tells her husband how beautiful his wife is.
This is not a completely healthy position and needs to be eradicated. I believe that being beautiful is a woman’s job for the rest of her life. It doesn't matter how old she is. It doesn't matter who she works for. If she stops appreciating what she was given from birth, she is not using her full potential. This should not turn into fanaticism, when a woman even before the man wakes up puts on a show. But under no circumstances should you let yourself go. The story you are talking about indicates that the woman is lost and does not feel her worth. Does not realize responsibility for his family.
This is the same as: “Let’s not quarrel, otherwise the neighbors will hear.”
How can a girl understand at some point that she is letting herself go? How can you recognize this for yourself?
It's easy to understand. When a girl, seeing another more or less well-groomed woman, begins to experience internal discomfort. This means that she has forgotten herself a little.
How to quickly regain your feeling of joy?
The easiest thing is food. This is the easiest way to find pleasure. But if a woman makes it a rule to have one pleasure a day, then she will know in what state and what will bring her pleasure. When a woman wakes up, she should ask herself the question: “What pleasure will I give myself today?” And if there is no answer, then you need to go through it until something clicks in your head.
Simple techniques to be happy!
How to start the day in order to charge yourself with a good mood for the whole day?
- Think: “What pleasure will I give myself today?”
- Breakfast should be very tasty. It doesn't have to be correct. It must be delicious!
- You need to spend as much time as possible in clothes when you are at home. Why? Because clothes are our protection. The less we wear clothes, the less protection we use. Then there are simple breathing exercises that will be very useful.
- To make the day as good as possible, walk 4 kilometers a day. It shouldn't be here, 500 meters here, 500 meters there. You need to walk four kilometers at once.
- Drink water! Flush depression from your body.
- Tell yourself: “I approve of myself!” As often as possible.
- In short, do what you love in the morning. And the day will start well.
- And there is one more good tip. Do nothing once a week. Nothing at all. You can’t make your bed, eat yogurt, go to the gym, etc. This is a very important procedure.
- From all the theories and knowledge, choose only those tools that suit you best.
- Study your emotions - this helps both in corporate and personal relationships.
Like many, I traveled to Tibet to find answers about happiness. Did not find. It was cold, hungry and scary there. I was there for three weeks and once a week I had the opportunity to ask a question to the sage monk.
You spend a whole week thinking about the question. And one of his answers became a rule for me for the rest of my life. I asked: “How to determine what is really important?” And he answered: “When you have such a question, you must imagine that you are living the last hour of your life. If this topic is included in the last hour of your life, then it is important.”
My secret to happiness is that there are no guarantees. The world is not stable. Everything can change at any moment. And if I don’t take the maximum today, then tomorrow I may regret it.
