Two spaceships have docked - a Russian and an American, flying together, looking down at the Earth. Flying over Russia, the Americans say:
- ABOUT! In Russia we see millions of telescopes aimed at the sky. We are amazed at such a passion for science in your country!
Russian cosmonauts explain:
- Yes, they drink from the throat!
The launch vehicle exploded during the launch of China's first spacecraft. Three cosmonauts and ten thousand stokers died.
The Americans flew to Mars. They fly, and Ukrainians meet them. Americans ask crests:
- Well, what is there on Mars?
- Yes, nothing.
Martian Chronicles:
2050
The Americans arrived. They treated everyone to hamburgers and Coca-Cola. It was delicious, but there wasn’t enough for everyone, so they ate the Americans.
2060
The Japanese arrived. We treated everyone to sushi and sake. It was delicious, but there wasn’t enough for everyone, so they ate the Japanese.
2070
The Russians arrived. They treated everyone to pi$dyulas. It was not tasty, but there was enough for everyone.
A spaceship from Saturn arrived on Earth. Landed in central Russia, in a rural area. The alien from the ship went to establish contact with earthlings. He walks and sees the men sitting. He approaches them:
- Hello, earthlings! I am a guest from Saturn...
- ABOUT! Vasya, pour some for the guest from Saturn!
The alien drinks and again:
- I am a guest from Saturn...
- Vasya, pour another drink for the guest from Saturn!
The alien drinks, then they pour him another and another. He still tries to explain:
- I arrived on a spaceship...
- Vasya, no more pouring for the guest from Saturn!
The astronaut reports to Earth:
- Two kilometers from the ship, a huge blue monster with an antenna on its head appeared behind the porthole. It continuously looks at me and holds a camera in its hands. What to do?
- We’ll decide now, but for now smile at him!
Apollo and Soyuz fly together after docking. They fly over the Soviet Union and see millions of telescopes pointed at the sky. “What a passion for science your people have!” - American astronauts admire. “No, they drink from the throat!”
The Chukchi are asked:
- Whose astronautics is the most developed in the world?
- NASA!
Our cosmonauts are working in orbit... Suddenly someone knocks on the window, look, priests - a Chinese! They ask:
- How did you get here?
“And this is a new Chinese technology,” he says, “tovarisya for comrades, comrades for comrades, and hello, comrades!”
Yesterday the first Chinese artificial Earth satellite was launched. Three thousand people were injured during the launch. They suffered a hernia while pulling a giant slingshot.
China's first spacecraft was launched today. The crew of 3 cosmonauts and 200 stokers are feeling normal.
News from orbit. Yesterday our cosmonauts warmly escorted a brave American researcher aboard the space shuttle. During her stay at the station, seven scientific and three non-scientific experiments were carried out with her.
Darling, you will soon become a dad!
- Ehh... I wanted to be an astronaut...
Rabinovich was launched into space. He radios:
“Being 10,000 kilometers away from the Soviet homeland, I feel better than ever.”
Apollo and Soyuz fly together after docking. They fly over the Soviet Union and see millions of telescopes pointed at the sky.
- What a thirst for science in your people! - American astronauts admire.
- No, they drink from the throat!
****************************
Among all the cosmic oddities and practical jokes, the first place rightfully belongs to the joke of Owen Garriott. In 1973, he was a member of the crew of the American orbital station Skylab. The prank he pulled on Mission Control officer Robert Crippen deserves to be forever etched in the annals of astronautics.
Garriott took a voice recorder with him into space, into which his wife spoke several pre-composed phrases. When one day operator Robert Crippen made contact with the orbital station, Garriott was waiting at the transmitter with a voice recorder in his hand. The following dialogue took place between the station and the Control Center:
- Skylab, this is Houston, answer.
“Hello, Houston,” she responded in a cheerful female voice.
station. - This is Skylab.
After a moment's hesitation, the earth asked:
- Who's talking?
“Hello, Bob,” the station responded. - This is Helen, Owen's wife.
Bob digested the answer for several seconds, and then with difficulty squeezed out:
- What are you doing there?
- I decided to bring the guys something to eat. “Everything is fresh,” a voice from orbit reassured him.
The control center was silent for about a minute and then went offline. Apparently the communications officer lost his nerve.
In childhood, many people dream of becoming an astronaut, of course, because it seems to children that nothing is impossible, and they are full of enthusiasm to explore new spaces. Despite the fact that dreams of flying into space dissolve with age, there are those who still decide to conquer outer space and develop space science. On the eve of Cosmonautics Day, we offer you a selection of quotes and sayings by astronauts and philosophers about space.
Cosmonautics began to actively develop in the second half of the last century. The first cosmonauts were the dogs Belka and Strelka, who flew in 1960. Their journey lasted more than 25 hours. The dogs were carefully selected; for their flight, the arrangement of the rocket was thought out to the smallest detail; the designers, led by S. Korolev, did everything possible to ensure that the dog pilots returned from space safe and sound. The first person to fly into outer space was Yuri Gagarin, who flew into space on April 12, 1961. And the first female cosmonaut was Valentina Tereshkova.
Astronautics has a limitless future, and its prospects are limitless, like the Universe itself. (Sergey Korolev)
Since so many children dream of becoming astronauts in childhood, it means that astronautics really does have a future. The main thing is that children don’t stop dreaming...)
Nothing is lost in space. (Stanislav Lem)
There’s nothing to simply take from there, that’s why it doesn’t disappear)
The cosmos is within us, we are made of stellar matter, we are the way the cosmos knows itself. ( Carl Sagan)
The inner world of every person is the cosmos.
There are no seasons in space: no winter and summer, no spring and autumn. There is no specific evening or morning here, but only space and nothing more. (Ray Bradbury)
Moreover, there is no poverty and wealth in space...
Space is not that far away at all. It's only an hour's drive away, provided your car is capable of going straight up. (Fred Hoyle)
Indeed, it’s not that far, especially considering that cars drive vertically...))
There will be no cosmic dialogue. In space, only monologues are possible. ( Stanislav Lem)
And then internal...
Space is space. There is nothing like it on Earth. (Gennady Padalka)
Everyone loves to describe space, but no one knows what it is...)))
Space is not a walk, a rocket is not an airplane. (Yuri Gagarin)
Space is a test of one's own masculinity.
Fly into space, then you will find out for yourself where it is more difficult. (Yuri Gagarin)
Don’t complain about life on Earth, you simply haven’t seen another.
Life shows that space will be explored not by some supermen, but by the simplest people. (Yuri Gagarin)
Everything is brilliant, simple as always.
Statuses
When we fully explore space, it turns out that while we were here on earth, we were already in the sky.
First you need to understand your inner world, and then explore space...)
We will be the fleas of space, jumping from star to star.
I agree about the fleas, but what do the stars have to do with it?!))
This cosmos, one and the same for everything that exists, was not created by any God or man, but it always was, is and will be an eternally living fire, igniting in proportions and extinguishing in proportions.
Space is a mystery created by nature itself.
If the cosmos has an infinite supply of time, this does not simply mean that anything can happen. This means that everything will actually happen someday.
And everything will happen exactly when you stop waiting...
The main thing for a girl on Cosmonautics Day is to be in seventh heaven and not get pregnant.
This is the main thing for her almost every day, and not just on Cosmonautics Day.
Space is best explored by science fiction writers.
Space is best described by those who have no idea about it.
Space is beautiful if only because there are no people there.
At the same time, it’s not boring, but mysterious...
Tsiolkovsky about space
There is no creator god, but there is a cosmos that produces suns, planets and living beings: there is no omnipotent god, but there is a Universe that controls the fate of all celestial bodies and their inhabitants.
Do you think you are free? No, you live in captivity of the Universe.
For me, a rocket is only a way, only a method of penetrating into the depths of space, but by no means an end in itself... There will be another way of moving into the depths of space, I will accept that too... The whole point is in moving from Earth and populating space.
The goal in itself is to test your strengths and capabilities...
If the cosmos has a cause, then we must attribute to this cause the same properties of universal love.
And in general, space should be loved, at least for the fact that it gives a feeling of mystery and enigma.
Absolute will and power belong to the cosmos - and to it alone.
And we, naive, think that we can build our own destinies...
The planet is the cradle of reason, but you cannot live in a cradle forever.
This is why you need to fly into space...)
Space is associated with something unreal, sometimes even divine, so now it has become fashionable to say in response to any admiration - This is space! Have you not yet decided to conquer the Universe and go to the world of other systems and galaxies? Today there is even space tourism that will help you fulfill your childhood dream. True, the cost of such pleasure amounts to millions of dollars.
Outer space, outer space, are relatively empty areas of the Universe that lie outside the boundaries of the atmospheres of celestial bodies. Contrary to popular belief, space is not completely empty space: it contains, albeit with a very low density, interstellar matter (mainly hydrogen molecules), oxygen in small quantities (remnant after the explosion of a star), cosmic rays and electromagnetic radiation, as well as a hypothetical dark matter. Space is everything that exists beyond the Earth's atmosphere. We are talking about the vacuum located between the planets, satellites and stars, which is also called the space environment. Depending on the objects, the space environment can be interplanetary, interstellar or intergalactic. It is a gas or plasma with an incredibly low density. We have prepared jokes about space for you.
Oh, Vasya, hello! How's your astronomy?
(Vasya, a completely lost shot, a pale little runt):
- It’s normal...
- Why so sad?
- My wife calls me names...
- The sun, he says, is mine...
- And what???
- (sniffling) The sun... it's a yellow dwarf!
Our cosmonauts are working in orbit... Suddenly someone knocks on the window, look, priests - a Chinese! They ask:
- How did you get here?
“And this is a new Chinese technology,” he says, “tovarisya for comrades, comrades for comrades, and hello, comrades!”
A sociological survey is being conducted. Stopped on the street
man and ask:
— Tell me, who in your family decides what issues?
The man says:
- Well, the wife decides local issues: what will we eat for lunch,
Should I buy my son a coat where we will go on vacation... And I decide
global questions: is there life on Mars...
Winnie the Pooh is asked if he knows his ancestry...
- My grandfather was a chop... (sad). Dad (proudly) - kebab...
- Well, what do you dream of becoming?
- An astronaut!
- Why so thoughtful?
- Yes, I’m thinking about how to fit into a tube...
Two spaceships have docked - a Russian and an American, flying together, looking down at the Earth. Flying over Russia, the Americans say:
- ABOUT! In Russia we see millions of telescopes aimed at the sky. We are amazed at such a passion for science in your country!
Russian cosmonauts explain:
- Yes, they drink from the throat!
Husband to wife:
- Listen, do you think it will be possible to have sex in zero gravity?
— Do you think that if you can’t do it here, you’ll succeed in zero gravity?
Mars. Two small green Martians are leisurely strolling along the surface of the planet. One, looking thoughtfully at the stars, asks the other:
- Listen,... do you believe in earthlings?
- TO THE EARTHLANDS?! Do I look like an idiot? And in general - you’ve already got me with your pink men!!!
- Guys, aliens kidnapped me yesterday! But, I don’t remember anything, just a dim light at the top, and some buttons, slow upward movement!!
- Yeah, of course, aliens... Fool, we were the ones who took you home drunk in the elevator yesterday!
Jokes about space
N science news: Russian scientists have discovered a new star in the constellation Ursa Major.
Now they plan to rename the constellation Big Bear.
ABOUT Observatories around the world record the approach of the Earth to a unique celestial body.
Spectral analysis shows that it consists of copper. It is shaped like a pelvis.
IN Yesterday, on the ISS, astronauts celebrated the birthday of an American colleague, and also performed three spacewalks. Smoke twice, and once explain to a colleague who is in charge on the ISS!!! ...
M Arsian Chronicles:
20** year.
The Americans arrived. They treated everyone to hamburgers and Coca-Cola. It was delicious, but there wasn’t enough for everyone, so they ate the Americans.
20** year.
The Japanese arrived. We treated everyone to sushi and sake. It was delicious, but there wasn’t enough for everyone, so they ate the Japanese.
20** year.
The Russians arrived. They treated everyone to pussy. It was not tasty, but there was enough for everyone.
***
P The US spy satellite has lost control and will soon fall to Earth.
At least give a damn to the companion, the spy is hysterical.
IN A telescope can look at the sun twice. Right and left eye
52
years since man landed on the moon. The astronauts drink, swim in fountains and bully passers-by:
- Hey you salapon, come here. Have you flown into space? why not? Are you pissing?
- WITH Tell me, is it possible to have sex in zero gravity?
- Do you think that if you can’t do it here, you’ll succeed in zero gravity?
R Really from New Year's news:
The astronauts on the ISS are also going to celebrate the New Year, and they won’t even do without a concert.
The only woman on board promised all the astronauts to play the flute...
It turns out that all astronauts give a receipt to keep secret that the Earth is flat and does not rotate.
M The Curiosity rover cost $2.5 billion. For this money, an entire street in Moscow could be paved!
Z Vonok on the ISS:
- How are you doing?
- Everything is fine-oo-oo!
- How does the American tourist feel?
- Great-oo-oo!
- Will you renew it?
N and the toilet on the international space station is clogged.
The astronauts spent two hours eliminating the consequences, armed with nets.
- T Do you know that they want to rename the constellation Ursa Major to the constellation Ursa Major?
- No, why?
“It’s just that before telescopes weren’t so powerful, not everything could be seen...
Z do you know that
When the Chinese fight area to area, the fight can be seen from space.
N and Russian cosmonauts are sitting on the international space station, playing cards.
An American astronaut flies up and asks on the radio:
- Are you ready for docking?
- Ready, ready...
- Is the orientation of the station consistent with option A-23?
- Corresponds, corresponds...
- I’m performing maneuver No. 41!
- Do what you want...
- How to make the connection?
- Yes, produce it as you want!
- How is that?
- Let’s spell it out: Zinaida, Anna, Elena, Boris, Anna, Leonid...
A astronomers reported that a huge (463 billion cubic km) drop of alcohol was discovered in space.
Rosaviakosmos switches to round-the-clock operation. Children want to become astronauts again...
IN Yesterday Russian cosmonauts went into outer space twice a day. Again due to a broken toilet.
A Thai radio amateurs thrive on space components and materials regularly falling from the sky...
U A literature reader is teaching a lesson on Russian folk tales.
Analyzing the main fairy-tale characters, she asks the children:
- You children know that the serpent Gorynych had three heads. Do you think each of them had names or not?
Vovochka raises her hand.
Teacher:
- Well, tell me, Vova.
- Were.
- And what were their names? - the teacher asks in surprise.
- Their names were Army, Aviation and Navy. And then a large horn grew from the middle head, and they called it Space Force.
M The ear that pissed on the telescope lens didn’t even suspect that it pissed off an entire galaxy into the constellation Orion.
- A lol, is this 6-5-4-3-2-1-0?
- Yes.
- Let's go!!!
A Americans are planning to land on Mars...
They have almost everything ready - the film crew, the scenery...
All that remains is to cut out the rocket and rub the bricks...
N news from orbit:
On Tuesday, two ISS crew members - American astronauts Kenneth Bowersox and Donald Pettit - performed a 6-hour spacewalk.
Russian cosmonaut Nikolai Budarin refused to let them into the station due to the shelling of Russian diplomats...
The Chinese astronauts returned to Earth after a successfully completed mission. The landing took place in a densely populated area of China.
Currently, the search team is trying to find the astronauts among the local population.
